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  #81  
Old 03-31-2011, 07:27 AM
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When you say "hurt" purpurea, I decided to hear it as " jealous." I don't know if you mean it as such, but as English isn't your first language perhaps there is a mix up in understanding of definition?

If she thinks you are friends with benefits then she would think you are having sex no? That is the "bemefit" in "friends with benefits."
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  #82  
Old 03-31-2011, 07:49 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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I think if I just say "I'm jealous", I don't go deep enough into understanding this feeling. I think it has nothing to do with English not being my first language, more with how I look at emotions. There is something underlying my jealousy, and for me this is feeling hurt, and feeling hurt comes from being scared. And it's not that I only feel jealous that she gets something I don't get any more. It also hurts that he let our relationship become romantic, and then redecided to make it something in between romantic relationship and friendship. I feel dumped and that hurts.

She THOUGHT that we were friends with benefits, prior to their decision becoming a monogamous couple. He used to call both of us his friends. He told me that he had redefined the word friend for himself, but I'm not sure if she knew that too. He also said that he loves both of us, but even if he told her, I know that in America (she's American) I love you is not exclusively used in a romantic context like in his or my first language. I really, really hope for her that she will be able to handle all the things that she will find out in May.
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  #83  
Old 03-31-2011, 08:59 PM
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I hope she can too. In her culture cheating is not approached lightly. Likely she will not be willing to see it as "her" problem as you do. She likely will hit the roof and feel very decieved and angry because she has not been respected.

How have you been working with this "hurt" you feel as a result of jealousy? When I have felt that way I have tried to walk through it and find what I personally can do on my self to see that there is no reason to be afraid of losing my partner. I have also worked on believing that I can choose a path that means asking for my need for connection, closeness and time to be met.

My partners have been more than willing to work on this with me however by slowing down or setting specific times to spend with me or telling me that they love me and saying things that I believe to be true about myself. All good things.

This man is different than my partners though. If I were hurt and jealous with him I wouldn't trust what he says due his ability to lie without remorse and I too would be very hurt that he isn't willing to show me how valuable our relationship is to him by telling his other woman about me or honouring me by believing me to be equal to her.
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  #84  
Old 05-18-2011, 08:09 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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I thought you guys would like to hear how this story ended.

A few days ago I told him that I'll need more distance from now on because I couldn't handle the situation any longer. I tried to make him understand that I don't want to blame him but that I've tried all I could, but now think it's time to protect myself.

Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well. After first begging me to stay, he started attacking me verbally, when he realized that I was serious. He said he hates me for being willing to break his heart and throwing it all away over not getting a stupid little title that virtually means nothing in reality. That he has shared more of himself with me than he will ever share with her or anyone else, and how stupid it is of me not being able to see it. I tried to tell him that although I believe him how much I mean to him, emotions are by definition not logical and that there's nothing I can do to change it. He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could

I asked him why he gladly makes her his girlfriend, when she says she wouldn't be able to stay otherwise, but when I express my needs, that are quite similar to hers (or actually even a little less) he gets upset. I can only guess, but I think it is mainly because he's pissed off that his plan to keep both off us close by making her his girlfriend didn't work out, and of course, it is easy to blame the one who doesn't want to play the role he chose for them. I guess he missed to take into consideration that I might have needs too, because to him it was logical that this is not a situation that someone couldn't handle. Though from my experience, I think most people would feel hurt in my position and couldn't come to terms with the situation.

He then texted me that without our relationship he thinks he really doesn't want to go on living, and then deleted my number afterwards. I haven't heard from him since, and I don't expect him to show up again. I mean, I knew he would feel hurt and react very emotionally, but I thought this "I go kill myself and it's your fault" thing would only happen to other people... Luckily, he didn't succeed to make me feel guilty.

I wonder how she would feel about it all if she knew it. Not only the physical cheating. I think he's cheating on her emotionally as well. I think, people who want a monogamous relationship usually wouldn't be happy to hear that being their girlfriend/boyfriend means "virtually nothing" to their partner. As well as knowing that their partner has a closer relationship and shares more of himself with someone else. They want to come first, and be the most important person in their partner's life. I think he will keep her in the dark about it though. I haven't met her, I couldn't. I don't know if I should try to contact her somehow and talk to her about all this, but I'm not sure if this is my job, nor if it would lead to anything. I could imagine that she would side with him, resp. the version of the story he's selling her.

I feel ok now. I didn't feel that my needs were met in this relationship, I wasn't able to push my limits, and therefore went away, so it's fine. I'm not blaming anyone for it, so I'm pretty much at peace with the situation. Of course, it is sad that it had to end in this very unpleasant way, and I miss the good things we've shared, and there is an empty space in my heart now. But it's ok.

Thank you for your support and your opinions. It helped me a lot to find my own position, and especially to accept that I have limits and needs, and that it's ok to have them and stand up for them.

Last edited by Purpurea; 05-18-2011 at 08:12 PM.
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  #85  
Old 05-18-2011, 09:19 PM
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Wow, thanks for the update. It was great to hear from you. Good luck in the future. I am wishing for you all the love you deserve next time.
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  #86  
Old 05-20-2011, 12:53 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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I started a comment on here yesterday, but my library-computer time ran out, and all my work was scrapped before I could punch the "submit reply" button.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
I thought you guys would like to hear how this story ended.
Just 3 days ago [2 days before I read this], I was thinking to myself: "Hey! Purpurea hasn't added to her thread in a long time now. I hope that she hasn't disappeared."
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well.
Well, of course he didn't! Up until now, he's been having it all his way. Now you've told him that he can't get away with that any more.
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
After first begging me to stay, he started attacking me verbally, when he realized that I was serious. He said he hates me for being willing to break his heart and throwing it all away over not getting a stupid little title that virtually means nothing in reality. That he has shared more of himself with me than he will ever share with her or anyone else, and how stupid it is of me not being able to see it. [...] He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could [...] he gladly makes her his girlfriend, when she says she wouldn't be able to stay otherwise, but when I express my needs, that are quite similar to hers (or actually even a little less) he gets upset.
Typical emotional manipulation!
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  #87  
Old 05-20-2011, 08:15 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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I think his reaction to me leaving him is quite understandable when you know his background a little better. I also think he never really expected me to leave, although I think it was very likely and I never hid from him that I will leave if I don't manage to come to terms with the situation. So I guess it was quite a shock for him.

He wrote one more time and apologized for having called me an asshole. Obviously he has also given up his suicide plans. But he is still too disappointed to be able to have any contact with me. He also couldn't help but point out that she was ready to let me in her life and how much effort she had made for this, and I didn't want her in my life, and that this is unacceptable for him.

Well, I guess that probably means that she loves him more than I and/or I'm a lazy bastard when it comes to close relationships, and therefore he is really better off without me And actually, he should be happy that I never wanted to meet her, I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut about the things going on behind her back.
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  #88  
Old 05-20-2011, 09:04 PM
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Well, hate to say it, but he will likely find someone else to cheat with. He hasn't understood what happened for you by the sound of it. Sad, all around just sad.
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  #89  
Old 05-21-2011, 01:21 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
I started a comment on here yesterday, but my library-computer time ran out, and all my work was scrapped before I could punch the "submit reply" button.
That almost happened to me with that last comment. At least this time (in a different library) I got a message that I had one minute left, so that I could finish the sentence that I was typing and submit my reply, even if I didn't write all that I wanted to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well.
Purpurea, du bist eine WeltMeisterin der Untertreibung!
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
He called me an ungrateful asshole
This is pretty nasty.
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could
And - I suppose - for not being able to appreciate his generosity in loving you at all. He seems to have an inflated sense of his own wonderfulness.
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
I guess he missed to take into consideration that I might have needs too, because to him it was logical that this is not a situation that someone couldn't handle.
It seems to me that he doesn't take into consideration the needs or feelings of anybody else... unless he can get some benefit out of doing so. What a spoiled brat!
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
He then texted me that without our relationship he thinks he really doesn't want to go on living, and then deleted my number afterwards.
More emotional manipulation, this time reaching the level of emotional blackmail. ["I might just kill myself... and it will be your fault if I do."]
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
I wonder how she would feel about it all if she knew it. Not only the physical cheating. I think he's cheating on her emotionally as well. I think, people who want a monogamous relationship usually wouldn't be happy to hear that being their girlfriend/boyfriend means "virtually nothing" to their partner.
This is the story that he told you: that she means "virtually nothing" to him. Considering the fact that he is a liar and a cheat, how can you be sure that he isn't lying to you? That he doesn't tell her that you mean "virtually nothing" to him?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
Luckily, he didn't succeed to make me feel guilty. [...] I feel ok now. [...] it's fine. [...] I'm pretty much at peace with the situation. [...] But it's ok.

Thank you for your support and your opinions. It helped me a lot to find my own position, and especially to accept that I have limits and needs, and that it's ok to have them and stand up for them.
Once again: congratulations! It may have been a painful process, but at least you've learned some important lessons.
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  #90  
Old 05-21-2011, 04:28 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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I don't know, I don't feel like talking bad behind his back. I think we should keep in mind that this is our opinion, and that someone making mistakes in a field they have literally no experience with, doesn't necessarily make them bad people in general. He definitely has done a lot for me and given me a lot of support in many situations throughout our relationship. And actually it doesn't matter if it was wrong or right what he did, I reached a personal limit here and therefore chose to walk away. Of course, I can understand that with more distance and just knowing my version of the story he might seem like a complete uncaring person. Yes, I also feel upset but isn't this more so because my feelings got hurt and I couldn't handle it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Purpurea, du bist eine WeltMeisterin der Untertreibung!
Denkst du?

Quote:
More emotional manipulation, this time reaching the level of emotional blackmail. ["I might just kill myself... and it will be your fault if I do."]
Especially as he hates when people try to make him feel guilty or even if they don't try, he tends to feel guilty very quickly. I told him that I felt sorry for feeling so bad that he doesn't want to go on living, but that I don't feel guilty for it.

Quote:
This is the story that he told you: that she means "virtually nothing" to him. Considering the fact that he is a liar and a cheat, how can you be sure that he isn't lying to you? That he doesn't tell her that you mean "virtually nothing" to him?
No, he doesn't say she means nothing to him. What he says is that she means as much to him as I or that he might even be closer to me, because he has shown more of him to me (his sensitive side for example, and that making her his girlfriend and me his friend means nothing to him, in a sense that he might give her the title and a few extras I will not get, but that doesn't change how much I mean to him. And of course, with making her his girlfriend, he has given her the feeling to be extra special to him, although to him giving her this status was just a very practical tool to keep her close. I mean, it would have all come out when I had met her, and he really wanted me to meet her. I still don't believe he was or is really aware of what he has done, and would have been honestly surprised about the mess that me meeting her would have caused.
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