Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 02-13-2011, 06:23 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44
Default

We had an interesting conversation today. He said that he needs me to get along with their relationship, and with her as a person too. I said I have no problems with that, the question for me would rather be if they got along with ME Then he said that his main focus is on moving to where she lives and spending his life with her. I asked if that means that he admits that he has chosen her over me and that she is more important than me. That was the point when he became pretty upset. I might have hit a sore spot maybe?

He said he can't answer that question, his relationship with her is so different from ours. He can only say he loves both of us and can't compare it. I asked him what role he wants me to play in his future life. He said, he doesn't know yet, he surely wants me to live there too somehow, but doesn't know how yet. He wants to make it work somehow. To me he seems quite confused about the situation. I should provide him with some information about poly relationships, I guess

It was funny when he was mad at me that I asked him if she is more important than me. Why I would ask that, he said, and that she never asked such questions. Oh really?! Not that directly maybe

To be continued...
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-13-2011, 06:51 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

It sounds like he might benefit from this forum too. HA! He may have to announce himself though as he would be pushed on his philosophy also Maybe he would benefit from reading this thread?

He does sound confused, but if he knows nothing of poly and is trying to work it out then that might be why. These threads might help...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755

there are some general ideas to start a foundation that has worked for most of us here... there also some really great websites to visit also that can be found quickly by doing a search. The most popular are usually at the top of the page.

It sounds like figuring out what you want to do is the next step. No sense in him thinking you are going to move next door and live happily ever after if you are not into that. It might help ease his confusion if he has an idea of what you expect and what your plans are...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-13-2011, 11:03 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,182
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
Why I would ask that, he said, and that she never asked such questions. Oh really?!
Of course she doesn't ask -- she thinks you two are just pals, and doesn't know he has sex with you!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 02-14-2011, 05:54 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Of course she doesn't ask -- she thinks you two are just pals, and doesn't know he has sex with you!
Well, she knew we had sex before, that's why she told him to become her boyfriend or she would leave. I'm quite sure though that she's not aware of how close we really are. I guess she thinks we were "friends with benefits", and therefore she felt it was her right as his girlfriend to ask him to give up sex with a friend. It's funny how he tells me that he won't let anyone make him choose between her and me, but in fact that's what she did.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 02-15-2011, 12:50 PM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Hi! I'm back and see that this thread has really been moving! (I only get into town to an Internet connection once a week.)
@ Purpurea: I find that I share your way of looking at things quite a bit, and you seem to be handling this OK. (For example, your statement that you are responsible for your own feelings and relationships: that if she can't handle your relationship with HIM, that's more her business [problem] than yours [even though you feel for her]; and that if he cheats, that's HIS business/problem. If you are open to love and they both have problems with that, is that your fault? Should you say "no" to love [and get hurt by that / close off your feelings in order to do that] just because she has an issue with fidelity and he has an issue with honesty? Please correct me if I'm misrepresenting your feelings here!)
However, I'm a little distressed to read the following:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
He doesn't share my view about this thing. He is not pro open relationships or even poly relationships any longer. He was before she asked him to become her boyfriend, but now he doesn't believe that poly relationships could work. He was scared of losing her, and changing his opinion about poly relationships and not telling her right now that he cheated on her, is I guess also driven by the fear of losing her and not seeing her again. He thinks that having sex with me was a mistake. And he thinks that being with her in a monogamous relationship is the right thing to do and what will really make him happy in the long run. And he says he will never change his view about it again, and that it will be like this forever
especially "He is not pro open relationships or even poly relationships any longer. [...] He thinks that having sex with me was a mistake. And he thinks that being with her in a monogamous relationship is the right thing to do and what will really make him happy in the long run."
This sounds like - if I were to put it into religious terms - he sins when he has sex with you and feels guilty for it afterwards ("thinks that having sex with me was a mistake"). And that means that - again in religious terms (I'm sorry, but I grew up among religious rightwingers) - YOU are the temptress, the one who leads him off the straight and righteous path that he would rather be travelling. (If only he had the strength to resist you!)
And all this makes me feel that you are getting a REALLY raw deal indeed!
And he - who last week I thought was losing out because of the other women's ultimatum - turns out to be a manipulator.
Sure, he "thinks that having sex with [you] was a mistake. He is not pro open relationships." But of course!!! But he is taking advantage of the chance he gets to cheat on his new ideals. He now sounds to me like a person without principles, and I think that you're mistaken to allow him to make up the rules to suit himself. You're a pawn in his game - a much-loved pawn, his favourite pawn, perhaps... but ultimately expendable all the same.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 02-15-2011, 01:20 PM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default hypocrisy

I want to share 2 experiences from my past.
The first was - at 2 different times and in 2 different countries - knowing a couple who had a "monogamous" marriage... and each was cheating on the other! In the 2nd of these cases, they'd started their marriage as openly polyamorous... with a touch of swinging. Then she wanted to move it into monogamy. He was against that on principle, but - for her sake - agreed to give it a try. Everybody in our clique knew what was going on (except the pair involved), we'd all met "the other man" and "the other woman" - in circumstances that made it clear that cheating was going on.
In these separate 2 cases, 3 out of 4 of the people involved expressed the same sentiment: "I know that I'm cheating on him/her... but if I ever found out that (s)he was cheating on me, I'd be devastated!" (In the case of the 4th person involved, it was a matter of "If I knew that she was cheating on me after her insisting on monogamy against my better judgement...")
Final chapter: both marriages broke up (of course).

Confession time! In the first of those cases, I was "the other man". Never again... He confided in me, and she was sleeping with me. Because I felt that she needed to escape from the strict confines of that relationship - I was only the 3rd man in her life she'd ever slept with and she was feeling "have I let life pass me by?" - and because I knew that he would never forgive her infidelity (even though he, too, was cheating), I kept quiet. I would have prefered to be honest with him. He was - after all - a good friend of mine (close enough for him to admit to me that he was cheating on his wife, whom - he knew - I cared for a great deal).
Penultimate chapter: she told me (when our sexual relationship was over) that I should never have acted like that. "How could you treat a friend like that?!"

Before certain veteran polys jump down my throat: I was a lot younger then... and as I've already written, never again. I wanted to share this with Purpurea, to warn her that her friend could easily turn against her... for doing exactly what he wants now.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 02-15-2011, 05:54 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44
Default

Thank you MrFarFromRight!

I see what you mean, and I'm aware of that. I also found out that in his mind the relationship with her is connected with some things that are very important for his future. I don't want to go too much into detail, it has to do with some problem he has, and for him the solution for his problem is deeply connected to being with her. That explains a lot to me actually, because usually he is the kind of guy who would never let anyone tell him what to do, and I was really surprised that he had given in on going into a monogamous relationship with her. But that makes it a lot more understandable for me now, he feels dependent from this relationship. He would never admit that, of course, and holding the mirror in front of his face makes him blow up easily

Our relationship is built a lot less on dependences. We are just together because we love each other. And I'm quite aware that because he seems his future being dependent from being with her, he might change his mind even more, which might even lead to that he will shut me out. But he loves me lot, I know that he doesn't love me less than her, and moreover he's quite an intelligent guy, so I will just sit back and see what happens, you know? He might even want to take a break from us for while. That's fine. I trust a lot in this love, and I hope that it will survive all the struggles he's going through now. We've been through a lot already, and although he often felt like he REALLY needed a break from me he has always come back so far.

We'll see (I sound a lot more optimistic than I feel today actually. I have weak days too when it seems very appealing to tell him to just f- off and never waste another thought on this story.)
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 02-16-2011, 12:44 PM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
We'll see (I sound a lot more optimistic than I feel today actually. I have weak days too when it seems very appealing to tell him to just f- off and never waste another thought on this story.)
Can I send you a long-distance hug?
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:30 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44
Default

Naa, why not? Thank you
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 02-16-2011, 11:20 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
.... You're a pawn in his game - a much-loved pawn, his favourite pawn, perhaps... but ultimately expendable all the same.
Speaking as one who has not read ALL of the posts surrounding this, but some of the recent ones here, I agree with MFFR. And I'd bail out of this situation immediately!

You deserve better -- whether you know that or not.

[edit]: You just said that you believe he loves you. But I think you are mistaken. If he genuinely loved you he'd treat you much, much better than he does.

Last edited by River; 02-16-2011 at 11:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affair, affairs, boyfriends, cheating, cheating and poly, jealous, jealousy, ldr

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:18 PM.