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  #91  
Old 05-21-2011, 06:18 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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I woke up this morning, thinking about how much I love him. I wrote it to him, because I wanted him to know.

No, don't worry, I'm not going back I have found a line crossed in our relationship, and I'm not willing and able to give up my distance until I feel comfortable with it. It is actually easier for me to feel my love for him now, that I'm back in my comfort zone. During our last weeks together I had felt desperate, depressed, restless or angry most of the time. I guess I don't love people for what they do for me or how much they meet my needs. This influences how close I want them in my life though, but I still feel the same amount of love for him and I see no reason to punish him and not let him know. I still think he deserves to be loved. It's maybe like when you have children, there will be situations when you need to show them your limits but it won't affect your feelings for them. Something like that.

Is it possible btw, to move this thread to the life stories & blogs section? And rename it also? Or is this against the rules and would cause too much confusion? I would like to go on writing about my journey through the poly jungle which will be different stories from this one. Like how I've recently gotten closer with my husband again. But I could also open a new thread and give a summary of this one in the beginning
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  #92  
Old 05-21-2011, 06:27 AM
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You could link this to a new thread there and move whatever you want by "quoting." That's what I would suggest.
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  #93  
Old 05-21-2011, 06:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
I woke up this morning, thinking about how much I love him. ... I still feel the same amount of love for him and I see no reason to punish him and not let him know. I still think he deserves to be loved.
I look at it this way: When we love someone, we let them close enough to touch the love that is already within us. By touching that pool of love, they essentially have forged a path to our heart. That path will always be there; that love will always be there. Love never dries up. With time and distance, however, weeds and wildflowers start to grow over it. This is healing. And the path, then, becomes no longer visible. We eventually don't walk down that way anymore. But it's still there, underneath the thicket of tangled vines. So it's not a question of deserving love or not; all humans deserve to be loved. It's just a fact that the love is there, you shared it with him, and now you move on and do not walk that path again. There is no reason to think you shouldn't love him anymore because the relationship is ended.
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  #94  
Old 05-23-2011, 05:22 PM
Regallion Regallion is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I feel for you. You have a "friend" that is stringing you a long. You are cheating on his girlfriend and he is using you for sex because he "can't control himself"... how long that will last is until he loses interest in the sex I think. The thrill of cheating or the thrill of it being under the table perhaps?... I would suspect that he is full of shit and you are enjoying his "I can't keep my hands off of you" bit... that is really quite sad and I wish for you that you find someone that is willing to cherish you in your entirety once you get your act together and act with some integrity.
Agreed!
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  #95  
Old 05-29-2011, 11:50 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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Thanks Regallion

I'm still thinking about whether or not I should let her know about the things going on. I have found a way to contact her and I feel bad about knowing that she probably doesn't know what was going on behind her back. I think she deserves to know the truth.

On the other hand, I think she wouldn't believe me anyway. I would not recommend her to leave him though. I would just tell her the facts, the things that happened and what he said to me, so she could make up her own mind whether or not she wants to believe me, and if yes, if this is a situation she wants to be in.

And I'm also concerned about him, just in case she decides to leave him. I know it would hit him extremely hard to lose her too, and I have no clue what would happen then. I really don't want to take revenge, I love this guy, and I actually hope that she could forgive him.

No one else knows about this story, the long distance makes it easier to hide things from other people, and I guess he won't tell her everything, or only his version of the story which might be a tiny little bit different from mine. I feel responsible somehow to let her know, at the same time I'm worried about the outcome.

What would you do?
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  #96  
Old 05-29-2011, 09:11 PM
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Oh, dear. Well, personally, I would also be very tempted to contact her, yet ultimately I think I would have to leave it alone and walk away. They are two adults who will let whatever dramas they create together play out. She may not know everything but she is a grown-up and responsible for her involvement. Unless she were in a dangerous situation, I don't think you owe her any warnings or explanations.

You have ended the relationship and I think going back to talk to her is a sort of roundabout way for you to hold onto it. It will be very freeing, I think, to walk away and not occupy your mind with thinking about her, or him.
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  #97  
Old 05-30-2011, 03:24 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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Ok, thanks for your post At the moment it definitely feels better not to waste any more energy on this story.
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  #98  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:21 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
But as soon as we are together, I feel like shit, knowing that the only reason why we don't have sex is her. And that really, really hurts. And I've realized that I'm not willing to let go of this hurt now.
I've just read through this thread tonight, and have felt conflicted one way or another many times - I agree with some of your points even though they wouldn't work for me. Almost commented a few times, but thought I'd wait til I got to the end. Alas, I am only on page 7, and I am guessing that a lot of what I'm commenting on has been resolved, but it's getting late so I am going to act as if it hasn't before finishing.

I am glad there may be a chance for an open and honest relationship, and at least there are lots of threads on cheating becoming poly that both you and he might want to read. Very good to hear he was honest with her (mostly) and I imagine trying to decide if she is told about the sex is going to be a hard decision, though I imagine it would eat away at me personally - lets say 10 years from now you are all still together and best friends and she finds out then. Hard choice that.

I decided this would be the best thing to respond to, because I think the gist of what I was feeling was that the girlfriend was getting the short end of the stick, and having her choices taken away from her due to dishonesty on his part. I got the impression you thought it was her fault.

I also thought that looking at things in terms of personal responsibility - well I thought you were a bit skewed in overlooking some of the things he was responsible for, because you love him so much, you were seeing him with rose colored glasses.

The only reason you weren't having sex, is HIM. It is his choice, it is not her fault. He could have sucked it up and talked to his gf and tell her what he really wants (which it is great he has now). He could have kept having sex with you, and if he shared YOUR views about how the sex (and consequential lying) doesn't hurt his gf, then he would probably would have.

The truth is he felt sleeping with you was wrong because it's betraying an agreement he made with FREE WILL, and it was hurting somebody. He feels shitty about himself for it, and it may cause him to act shitty to her because he feels so guilty (speaking from being on the crappy end of being cheated on AFTER my ex and I became poly). It is hard for some people to be loving to someone when you can't be honest with them - my husband certainly acted worse and worse to me in the 9 months after he cheated, because he was being eaten up with guilt. Might want to talk to your friend about if he is feeling like that, and if so, address the cheating with his gf sooner than later.

Oh my point? Let people own their own actions. If you do work out a poly relationship with him, he will make decisions you don't agree with, and if he is being passive and agreeing to things he doesn't mean like he did with monogamy...don't forget they are HIS choices nevertheless. Blaming metamours for what is your partner's decision will not be helping anybody.

I will keep my fingers crossed that things work out for the best of all concerned.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-31-2011 at 06:27 AM.
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  #99  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Alas, I am only on page 7 . . .
For me, this thread has only three pages.

I have gone into my User CP and select to view 40 posts per page, which makes reading long threads so much easier!

User CP > Settings & Options > Edit Options > Thread Display Options
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  #100  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:41 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by Purpurea View Post
I'm still thinking about whether or not I should let her know about the things going on. I have found a way to contact her and I feel bad about knowing that she probably doesn't know what was going on behind her back. I think she deserves to know the truth.
OK finished! Purpurea - that would be utterly selfish of you, in the way that it would be (no matter how you would like to deny it) vengeful. If you wanted her to know what was going on behind her back, where was this nobility while you were having sex with him? You thought it wasn't her business then, so making it her business now is very self centered. (Although I think she should know she can't trust him...so maybe I would say to tell her, but I wouldn't act like I was doing it out of any sense of morality) My only caveat to this is if you and he were having unprotected sex - then her knowing the risks that he will be cheating on her and risking STI's is something she should be aware of.

Sorry he treated you so badly when you told him it was over. But this is a good reason why honest and open communication is such a good thing to have in a relationship, and why it's good to make sure your partners are practicing it with each other.

(nycindie - ten pages here - practically I might want to get more posts per page, but when I think about it, parsing out a shorter page at a time helps me take breaks and digest in smaller chunks what I'm reading and to think about if anything is helpful to me. I really should check out my user cp options though!)
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-31-2011 at 06:46 AM.
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