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  #1  
Old 11-19-2013, 06:19 AM
Valfred Valfred is offline
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Default Feeling jealous... I think

Hey all. I won't lie, I got into this forum seeking therapy, I guess.

So, ok, here I go, if I breach any forum rules or etiquette, I apologize.

I am in an open relationship for 5 years, now; 3 of those, we are living together. Now, it has always been open, on ocasion we have met a hooked up with other people, but nothing serious. We always talked about the day someone would meet someone else special, but that never actually happened... until now.

So my girlfriend got a girlfriend and at first I was "great, I'm happy for you" and all that; and still am. Part of me actually smiles thinking about them laughing and being cute to one another, but the thing is... I feel bad it is not me. And I feel bad it is not me and I feel bad because I feel bad, so this starts a cycle inside my head that sometimes leads to arguments.

The thing is that our sex life is, well, normal, we never had this glamorous amazing sex every-day thing that a lot of couples do, we have sex and it's very good and we care and love about each other and we know each other. It doesn't happen a whole lot, but it actually never did. And we sometimes had these discussions about how our sex life could be more intense, but it's not bad, again, it's just, smooth, I guess.

But now, with this new girlfriend of hers, I am seeing my girlfriend really excited about sex. And so I'm jealous, I feel bad. And the thing is, I know the theory, I know that people offer different things to other people, that we reject this idea that one person is the ultimate partner to other person for good reason. And since our sex life was never super intense, I always kind of braced myself to the day that she would find a partner who, indeed, made for a great sex partner.

And yet, I have not braced myself enough.
See? We talked about this, we discussed it, we don't want our relationship to end, in no way, we are great together, we are the best of friends, we love each other deeply, sex is good and nice when it happens, it is, in a way, a typical married life and it would be insane to give up this bliss not even because our sex is bad, but because sex with another person is way better. And I know all that! But I still feel shitty. I still feel sad. I still wish it was me rocking that world. But I can't get into the mindset of competing with this new person; not only I would lose but also it would go against all my beliefs; against the very foundation of this beautiful open relationship we have for years.

...I just want to stop feeling bad. And feeling guilty for feeling bad.
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  #2  
Old 11-19-2013, 08:31 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Instead of focusing on what you can't provide, what if you redirected your focus to the things that make you special? What are the things that you do that rock her world?

I've always had a low sex drive, and for a while I used to drive myself crazy thinking that Gralson and I "should" have sex more because that's what married people "do." Like you, it's not that we used to have sex all the time and then it cooled off. We've always had a more energy-based connection, and sex was never that big a deal. Eventually I acknowledged and learned to accept that I'm largely asexual, and that I just don't care about sex. I cared about "the idea of sex" more than I actually felt like I was missing out on something I desired.

So 5 years, there must be a different basis for your connection and there must be things she sees in you that no one else has.

As for beating yourself up, and beating yourself up for beating yourself up... I want to say "just stop" but I know it's not that easy. It's good to acknowledge your feelings, but it's not healthy to dwell on them. Maybe you could find other things to refocus your energy.

I think it would help to get an actual therapist. I personally love therapy. It helps to get your thoughts in order and quit going around in circles. They help you discover which feelings are helpful and which ones you could try to change. With a therapist, you can have the kind of dialogue you'll never achieve in a public forum. Not trying to turn you away or anything, just trying to help you maximize your potential for success.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 11-19-2013, 02:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
So my girlfriend got a girlfriend and at first I was "great, I'm happy for you" and all that; and still am. Part of me actually smiles thinking about them laughing and being cute to one another, but the thing is... I feel bad it is not me. And I feel bad it is not me and I feel bad because I feel bad, so this starts a cycle inside my head that sometimes leads to arguments.

That is called "envy" -- when you covet what someone else has for yourself.

So if your thoughts are going in circles, how about giving yourself permission to just feel envy, it is ok to feel envy right now, it's not "bad" to feel envy. It's just the current state of your internal weather? Emotion is emotion. Whether sunny days or stormy skies in there -- both eventually blow on through if you let it.


"Yes, I feel envious. I will get over it in time. Let it blow on through here."
If you keep rebooting it telling yourself that you are bad to feel ?

Your original bad may have dissipated but you keep feeding yourself UGH. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the done DOING the thinking or the feeling. And in the case of your thinking... you could stop. If you need help to stop bad thinking habits, you could see a counselor. But you could remember that habits can be changed.

Another way to help it blow on through? If you find yourself needing attention, reassurance or some other need from your GF? Could let her know your emotional state and ask if she's willing to provide that need at this time so you can feel a bit better.

You will be ok, and you could be ok faster if you could focus on the things that help move it FORWARD rather than on the things that help keep it in the stuck.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-19-2013 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 11-20-2013, 05:38 AM
Valfred Valfred is offline
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Hi all.
Thanks for the advice. I did not responded, but I read them as soon as they were posted. Today was a better day, I felt. I think what is really giving me strenght now is the notion that these feelings will pass. And I really feel they are passing.

I feel somewhat lonely and left-out, but then again, I live with my girlfriend and her girlfriend only spend some days of the month here, so I'm trying to, you know, just let the feelings come without obsessing over them, I ask for a hug here and there, I try to focus on other things. Tomorrow I actually have stuff I can do outside the house, so I think I'll spend the day out, leave the house to the girls, since their time together is more scarce and I'll guess I'll just try to find nerdy things to do while out and about.

My girlfriend is aware I am going through these feelingsm through the day she gives me the occasional hug and attention, which I feel it's really important, but also feel a bit condescending, I guess. It's such a weird state of being, when I know the only thing wrong is that I am feeling wrong things, the irrationality of things get under my skin, I guess, I feel a bit disappointed at myself for the jealousy and the envy. I thought I was better than this, frankly.

But anyway, I feel things getting back on track, the three of us do stuff together like watching tv shows, so it helps creating a comforting feeling, like this is home and it is how it should be. On the other hand, eventually comes the time where they go to their bedroom and here I stay on the internet, too much with myself. Urgh, yeah.
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Old 11-20-2013, 07:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I feel a bit disappointed at myself for the jealousy and the envy.
It happens. Some feelings are fun to feel. Some feelings are not so yummy to feel. They are what they are. Try to let it go.

Quote:
I thought I was better than this, frankly.
You don't like finding out you are human and have very human feelings? Better than what? Human?

It's ok to feel whatever it is.

How does you judging you having some feelings HELP you to let it go in a peaceful way? If you go around telling yourself "I stink because____" you escalate inner conflict or deescalate inner conflict?

It is ok to spend some time mourning the old thing (just you 2) while waiting for the new thing (you 3) to settle in and BECOME the "new normal." You are in a transition time. It takes time to blow on through. Weather it out. You are going through some changes, some of these feelings are natural and not really optional.

But you could do that WITHOUT piling on self-critical stuff on top. That part IS optional.

I know you mentioned there being other lovers, but none that stuck around like "something serious"... so it's a first here. Having some adjustment period the all the range of feelings that may accompany that sounds like part of the package. You will be ok on that part. Hang in there.

For the self-judging thinking habits -- that's a separate issue. Could work on the thinking habits.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-20-2013 at 02:15 PM.
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  #6  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I don't think you should be disappointed in yourself at all. Think about it. You know what you think and believe - that puts you way ahead of the game. You understand that your emotions are not always in keeping with what you believe although you do feel some compersion at times - and again this puts you way ahead of most. You are not acting on those emotions that are not in keeping with your beliefs - YOU ARE PRACTICING WHAT YOU BELIEVE, in spite of the fact that your emotions aren't cooperating at the moment. That is totally admirable and exceptional.

I think I understand why your gf keeps you around. You do rock.
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Old 11-23-2013, 10:46 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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The important thing is for you two to connect with what it is that you have together that make you special as a couple. If not sex (that much), then I guess something else. Make sure to have special time for the two of you, even thought she is probably "high" on NRE right now. Ask her to reassure you and show you why you are important in her life.

Hang in there!
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  #8  
Old 11-27-2013, 03:24 PM
Valfred Valfred is offline
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Well, she revealed she doesn't want me anymore. She thought she did, but this new relationship made her "see" what she really wants is this monogamous life with her girlfriend.

So I wasn't paranoid or needy or jealous, she was, actually, acting cold torwards me and was just afraid to break the news.

So game over, I guess. Time to never again in my entire life have any confidence I can have an open relationship with another person.
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  #9  
Old 11-27-2013, 05:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
So I wasn't paranoid or needy or jealous, she was, actually, acting cold torwards me and was just afraid to break the news.

So game over, I guess.
I am very sorry it's a break up. Those are not fun.

I am glad you are on surer footing and have answers now though.
Quote:
Time to never again in my entire life have any confidence I can have an open relationship with another person.
I know right now you hurt. And I'm sorry. But could guard against "all or nothing" thinking like above in your mourning process.

It doesn't seem to help you get to the healing place any faster and seems to continue to beat you up. You've been through enough from her without piling on more yourself, right? Those decisions can wait til a later time -- and whatever relationship style you want is totally ok.

But could focus on doing your self care now.

Hang in there.

hugs,

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-27-2013 at 05:27 PM.
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  #10  
Old 11-28-2013, 01:32 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valfred View Post
Well, she revealed she doesn't want me anymore. She thought she did, but this new relationship made her "see" what she really wants is this monogamous life with her girlfriend.

So I wasn't paranoid or needy or jealous, she was, actually, acting cold torwards me and was just afraid to break the news.

So game over, I guess. Time to never again in my entire life have any confidence I can have an open relationship with another person.
I would be lying if I said I was surprised. This is why I think it is dangerous to embark on having polyamorous affairs to have certain needs filled (I know many would disagree with me on this, and sometimes it is indeed working. But generally it works better if you start from a satisfied relationship). There is never one way to know 100 % where the other person's loyalty lies. I am sorry she was so cowardly in breaking the news to you, and I feel for you in this situation.

I have noticed on thing... and that is that you admitted that you yourself were not enthusiastic about your love life/sex life with your girlfriend (it seemed even before she met the other girlfriend). Which is another matter than you for instance simply having a low libido. I think this is something you may consider working on in future relationships. If sex is important to you, you need to make it happen, and not settle for less then you desire. This is regardless of weather or not your next relationship will be open or closed. Best wishes
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