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  #231  
Old 01-28-2012, 08:23 PM
curiosity curiosity is offline
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Default stuck in a mess

20+ years into marriage, hubby realizes he's bi. we agree to explore this together. that doesnt work out so great (different tastes in people, and it seemed that a lot of men really weren't as bi as they said they were and ended up only wanting to be with a woman)....anyways....we went our seperate ways for bed buddies. about a year into this, he finds a gf, falls in love and decides he's poly. he wants to join her family with mine and i am having serious problems dealing with this. he says if i can't accept this, i'm free to go. i don't want a divorce and sharing him emotionally seems to go against what marriage is. i am lost and seem to spend most of my time in tears anymore. when we did the exploring together we had discussed finding a man to join us, to share but not necessarily live with us. In hind site, for me at least, it was fantasy talk something that I never really thought would happen so it was safe to talk about. He will not push her into my bed, but he would love for us all to live together. I am hurt, confused, and curious. Can something like this work with people who are sooo opposite?
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  #232  
Old 01-29-2012, 03:08 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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What does it mean when you say, "he wants to join her family to mine?" What does he envision? You said he'd love for you to live together. Well, what if you just say, "No"? You do have a choice. He does not hold all the power in your relationship. Your heart may be breaking, but that does not mean you should accept what you cannot handle just to please him. Do not let him make you believe that you have to walk. You can always say, "This is what I need. This is what I'm willing to do. This is what I'm not willing to do." He can walk, if he chooses to. But you owe it to yourself and him to stand your emotional ground and work things out honestly.

I would gently suggest that sharing someone emotionally does not go against marriage. Marriage is commitment, but that commitment does not have to take the form you were taught from childhood.

Plenty of poly relationships exist in which partners do not live together, and you have the right to expect your spouse to meet his responsibilities to you, the children, the household.

Can it work? It can. Will it work? There is really know way to know. All relationships are filled with risks.
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  #233  
Old 01-29-2012, 08:06 AM
CrystalLiving CrystalLiving is offline
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Exclamation Summary

My name is Crystal and I am here to educate myself.

My fiance just told me that he wants to be in a long term poly relationship with me and someone else. We are to live together.

I am understanding through this wonderful website that some people just may be wired this way and it is not about...
1. he does not love me (????)
2. I am not enough
3. Do I suck in bed THAT bad (???)

Clearly I am confused, hurt, and broken...but I want to understand and see if I can be ok in this community. He is not asking me to get a new partner, he is just wanting to "add someone to our family".

I have a headache.
I cried for 13 hours and then had a thought-- Can I do this?
This is not about me. This is about his needs. Can I do this?
This is not about the amazing times we share and how much I love him... Can I do this?

Well, folks-- there you go. My heart is on my sleeve and I am open and raw to all of you now.

You know my deep secret... my fiance is poly. What does that mean to me? I hope to find out through this website and reading your educating posts.

Thank you for being here as a resource for me.

CL
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  #234  
Old 02-12-2012, 10:12 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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I'm a second year at a top university in MA, Libertarian, open-minded, happy, busy, loving, and very sexual. I'm new to poly and am trying to take it slowly.

Last year I took a year off university and met my partner at home, A. We've always been open because we knew I'd be leaving OH for MA - the good thing is that he thinks he's poly, too.

More recently I've been getting to know a new partner, C, at school. He's not sure if he's poly, but neither of us have the time for commitment right now. So we're building a romantic friendship and seeing where it goes from there.

He is also romantic friends with D, the first guy he's had feelings for.
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  #235  
Old 02-18-2012, 04:56 AM
clumsysonnet clumsysonnet is offline
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Default ethical non-monogamy in the Bible belt

Hi there. Clumsysonnet here.

I'm a female, born in September 1982 and raised in western Pennsylvania, USA. I got my BA in Creative Writing at a Christian college. Shortly after graduating from college, I met a truck-driver, Gopokesea, from a journaling site and we fell in love. In 2006, we moved to Kentucky together and a year later we got married. He's my best friend and the love of my life.

Gopokesea is the one responsible for introducing me to "love without fences" as we called it. He believed in its theories but had never practiced it. I found it pretty horrible-sounding at first and didn't want any part of it. But as time went on, I warmed up to the idea of non-monogamy.

I started seeing other people in late 2006, and in 2007 had a very messy, tumultuous relationship with a man who wanted me to leave Gopokesea for him. I dropped the guy of course. Gopokesea and I decided to focus on each other for the next couple years since we obviously weren't ready for this big step. Finally, in mid-2009 we opened up our relationship again.

Fast-forward to the future. Here is my happy little family:

Clumsysonnet: b. 1982, female, courthouse worker in family court division, thespian in community theatre (primarily comedies, musicals, and operas).

Gopokesea: b.1970, my husband, truck-driver and computer nerd with very eclectic taste in music. Been together since June 2005, married since November 2007. He is on the road a lot due to his profession. He is polyamorous too and has dated several women. Currently, he is with just me.

Schyster: b. 1981, my boyfriend. We've been together since January 2010 when we met in a play. He moved in with us in July of that same year and is known by most as "the guy who rents the upstairs of my house." We're two peas in a pod. Schyster works at a grocery store and is a fellow actor and artist. He's very monogamous and wants no one but me.

Dutchman: b. 1983, my other boyfriend. He is a metabolic engineer from the Netherlands. I met him on a dating site in June 2011 and we've been pretty smitten with each other ever since. Sadly, he moved to New Hampshire in September 2011 but we're trying to make the long-distance thing work. We're in the process of working on our relationship...he wants to try dating other women and I'm learning how to deal with my jealousy.

We're not very run-of-the-mill "poly people"...We're all very heterosexual, have no interest in group sex, and have rather vanilla sex, too. We were all raised Christian and all but Dutchman consider ourselves to still be Christian (though we're more like the lazy kind who don't go to church except on holidays). The Christian thing doesn't cause me much guilt (Solomon and David were men of God and had multiple partners...a lot of people did back then!) but knowing so many religious people has caused us to live pretty closeted lives. Our families don't know except for a select few members (like my brother and his wife and a brother-in-law who lives with us) and most people who know us have no idea.

I look forward to being able to read other people's stories and learn more about how to deal with different situations, especially in relation to people who don't understand our lifestyle.
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  #236  
Old 02-19-2012, 03:35 AM
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Nerdpower13 Nerdpower13 is offline
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Nerdpower13 here. I'm a nerd from southern Virginia. I love reading, writing, video games, tabletop roleplaying games, and pretty much any other nerdy thing you can think of. I am 23 years old and have been married for a year, with my wife for 2. We just opened our relationship in November. Originally I was reluctant to open it up though we had discussed a triad which is my personal ideal. In the end of November, not long after opening our marriage we thought we had met the girl who would complete our triad. We payed to fly her here from California because she was going through a lot of family problems there and we didn't want to do long distance. She lived with us for almost a month and tensions rose throughout that time but we tried to ignore them. They mostly arose from her being spoiled and getting whatever she wanted on the West Coast then moving here where we have to live off of donating plasma and food stamps in addition to our income. Tensions came to a boil on my birthday and we ended up breaking up with her. For a few weeks after that we didn't open the relationship back up but then we talked it over and decided we would give it another shot.

We had a few issues with her hiding other guys from me even though she knew I was okay with it because she was afraid of hurting me but we smoothed things over and talked things out. Now we're relatively happy together. She is being open for the sex but I have decided that if I am going to see anyone outside of my marriage I would have to have an emotional connection. My wife has a guy she is talking to but I am still searching and having a few issues because of loneliness. I'm working through it though and hoping to find a cool nerdy girl who can be with me. And that's about it as of now.
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ME: 23 year old slightly bi-curious male. B: 19 year old bi female and my wife
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  #237  
Old 02-20-2012, 11:29 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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I've never really felt that monogamy was right for me, but until very recently have never had the guts to insist on anything else. I've let myself be talked into—or more accurately be "assumed into"—around 20 years worth of serial monogamy until I finally put my foot down at the beginning of a new relationship late last year. That went a lot more smoothly than I'd expected because he'd been trying to work out how to bring up the subject himself.

I now have two boyfriends who, thanks to the ingrown nature of local social circles, have known each other for years. I'm a recent transplant from the other side of the country so everyone's new to me. The first guy (mentioned above) is otherwise unattached at the moment, and the second is married.

Until I met boyfriend #1 I didn't realise there was actually a name for the type of relationship I was looking for. It turns out I'm not weird after all. Who knew?

Anyway, me: Female, 35 for another few weeks, straight, cat person.
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  #238  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:23 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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I've never really felt that monogamy was right for me, but until very recently have never had the guts to insist on anything else. I've let myself be talked into—or more accurately be "assumed into"—around 20 years worth of serial monogamy until I finally put my foot down at the beginning of a new relationship late last year. That went a lot more smoothly than I'd expected because he'd been trying to work out how to bring up the subject himself.

I now have two boyfriends who, thanks to the ingrown nature of local social circles, have known each other for years. I'm a recent transplant from the other side of the country so everyone's new to me. The first guy (mentioned above) is otherwise unattached at the moment, and the second is married.

Until I met boyfriend #1 I didn't realise there was actually a name for the type of relationship I was looking for. It turns out I'm not weird after all. Who knew?

Anyway, me: Female, 35 for another few weeks, straight, cat person.
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  #239  
Old 02-24-2012, 01:55 AM
AutumnWhisper AutumnWhisper is offline
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Hello!

I am a bi sexual married poly woman. My husband and I ... I guess... are unicorn hunters.. though the term does hurt a little XD lol cause at one point I was that unicorn for a long while. I finally gave up the idea of finding a couple to join and just went about my life. Now I'm in a relationship and have had always had a yearning for a triad with a male and female, my husband is perfectly okay with this. I promise he's really in it for the relationship and not the sex, to him and I sex is just a way of expressing love to another. I've never been in any type of poly relationship though I don't doubt myself one bit that I can't handle it. Came here to the site to ask questions about a couple seeking that third piece.
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  #240  
Old 02-25-2012, 02:42 AM
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mman85 mman85 is offline
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Hello,

My name is Mike. I'm 26, and living in the Albany area of NY. I'm of average and slightly athletic build, and like to eat healthy. I am taking a break from school, and trying to get settled in life right now. I am divorced, and still in the process of starting over, so ya. I'm looking for an emotionally exclusive, sexually open relationship. I'm an experienced swinger, and enjoy many different flavors of sexual activities. I am seeking somebody who can keep up with me sexually, enjoys or at least tolerates my nerdy hobbies, and has goals in life. You should be able to let loose during the weekend, and return to school or work with no issues once Monday morning rolls around. I would like to find someone I can both share life with because of similarity, as well as learn something from due to differences. I do not wish to date myself, but I also want something in common with my partner. I value intelligence, maturity and honesty. The eight things I find important, and necessary to any successful relationship are honesty, dedication, passion, compromise, trust, understanding, communication, and balance. I never give more than I get back in return, and I learned that lesson the hard way. A potential partner should be of the same mindset. You all can feel free to shoot me a private message if you wish to know more. A friend of mine gave me the address for this site, and I'm excited to see how it plays out. Thanks.
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