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Old 07-12-2010, 05:35 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default Our Evolution

I was temporarily monogamous with my fiancé, Indigo, for the first year and a half of our relationship. We have been gradually moving out of this phase since around Christmas (2009).

I've known I am poly for a long time, but didn't realize it until a few years ago. R is the first person I've been able to explore this with.

From the outset of our relationship, I made it clear to Indigo that I needed to be poly, but was willing and able to wait for him. He has not had many loves in his life, nor sex with someone he wasn't dating (until recently). He was burned badly serveral times in his past by cheaters, one of whom was a fiancée.

Before I'm corrected, I will say that I do understand the difference between poly and open. However, I tend to date ass-backwards and usually go from sex to love, not the other way around.

The concepts of an open relationship and poly were completely foreign to Indigo. He struggled for a long time with the idea that sex didn't have to mean love, love isn't necessarily the same kind of love we share, or that I could love someone else and still love him (still working on this one). He thought that any of those things meant he wasn't enough for me, was less of a man, and that I didn't love him completely.

I didn't push for opening our relationship, but we kept up a dialogue about it. When I started to get the familiar itch around Christmas to find someone else, I broke down in tears. I told Indigo that I didn't want to be a cheater, didn't want to break his heart and lose his trust, but knew it would happen if we couldn't open up soon.

I felt selfish.

I have since come to realize that I was not and am not selfish. Poly is a part of who I am. I cannot control it any more than I can control that I'm bisexual, or that I dislike cabbage! I have realized that as much as I love Indigo, we would have to go our seperate ways if open/poly was not an option. It's not an ultimatum; it's who I am. It is no more selfish than if he required monogamy and could not love AND live with my poly heart.

Luckily, Indigo saw my pain quite clearly. We started with a baby step. I was allowed to date women, because they were far less threatening to him. Obviously, there is no comparison physically between men and women, so in his mind, he was not threatened. Much to his surprise, our love and sex life exploded as I rejoiced when this piece of me was able to express itself again.

Fast forward about a month. On his own, Indigo came to the conclusion that since I am bisexual, I could very well run off with a woman if I loved her "more". But rather than panicking, he realized that if he could trust me to love women, it was rather close-minded on his part (with regards to my sexuality) not to trust me with men.

So naturally, I was thrilled. Men are easier to find, for me. And I perhaps (no definitely) took off from the gate too eagerly. I have since given a most heartfelt apology.

I have been keeping reasonable track of progress! Follow me here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3447

Last edited by TruckerPete; 08-18-2010 at 07:19 PM. Reason: Updates!
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:07 PM
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gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 78

I am gomugirl from Arkansas. I am 41 and kink toward BDSM (though not currently practicing I have been both bottom and top) and am bi. I am currently in relationship with two mono men one for 14 years and one for 8. I live with #1 and we are legally married. #2 lives in another town (3 hours away) we have been doing the quarterly timeshare dance for many years and are looking at stepping up the intensity of our relationship. A challenge to say the least. I have had a third spice who is now sadly deceased but I am still in touch frequently with his widow and children who I love dearly. I am polyfi and enjoy the ride.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:31 PM
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bettybaker bettybaker is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Livermore, CA
Posts: 12

Hi! I'm Betty. I'm a coffee-drinking piano teacher in the San Francisco Bay Area. I like to play blues piano and read how-to books and sci-fi in my spare time. Lately I've been watching The Dollhouse and 24 via Netflix.

I'm engaged to be married in September of 2010 to my long-time partner, Dr. Sweetheart. Four days after we marry we'll celebrate our 10th anniversary. I was in an intense relationship for more than two years with Mr. Magnetic, and I'm still kinda broken up about the end of that. I'm seeing Teh Grimster and Mr. Surrealist and I'm in full on happy-about-that mode.

Dr. Sweetheart and I have been poly for the vast majority of our time together; for essentially ten years. I was *not* a duck-to-water polyamorist, but this far in, it seems as natural as breathing to me. Most days. When my hormones and the stars are aligned.
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:37 AM
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AlmaMay AlmaMay is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 9
Smile Unicorn missing other Unicorns

I too know unicorns exist - since I am one.
was never able to find a couple to be with long term in my 20's.

Never had a long term monogamous relationship before my husband. Knew when I was younger, that if I ended up with a woman - would miss a man.
and with a man would miss the kiss of a woman.

I'm Married to an open man (more bi, than not) and still hoping to find a woman to be with.

Some of my best loving experiences were in my 20's in various three somes.
I love commitment and honesty of marriage, but miss the group dynamic
and of course loving women.

I'm 42 and a mom of two beautiful boys.

Dont' know if I'll ever find another unicorn to be with. But, I do no they exist, when I look in the mirror.

Alma from New Mexico
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Old 07-29-2010, 01:21 PM
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celtickitten celtickitten is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 18

I'm 34, married for two years to Hubby of Awesomeness.

Currently dipping our toes into the poly lifestyle. Mutual (mono) friend of ours is morphing in to my Boyfriend of Win. Still taking it nice and slow with lots of discussion amongst the group. Hurts that he's across the country, but that'll change in about a year or so when we move to his area (something we had planned to do before all of this anyway).

Happy as a clam that Hubby and myself have finally admitted to being of the same mindset when it comes to the ability to love more than one person at a time. But due to the newness of things, I'm sure we'll encounter some things that we need to work through.

Time will tell. So far, so good.
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Old 07-31-2010, 04:53 AM
nymphs nymphs is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: ne missouri
Posts: 6
Default hello everyone

I want to say alittle about me and my husband. He is 43 years old and I'm 25 years old we have been married for 4 years now, we have 2 wonderful kids we have lived in missouri for awhile but movinG to iowa. We are on here to find a a woman to join us and our family. We probly would have found her if I wasn't shy :S. He says he won't find her because she more for me then him. He has heart problems and probly won't live as long as me and I decided when he does go I'm not going to date other men I'll be with a girl. So there our story and I don't mind friends either
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Old 07-31-2010, 01:34 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

Hi all.

I'm currently 43, female & have two male partners. I live with Breathes who currently doesn't have another partner. I date Possibility who has a male & female primary.

Breathes and I have been together for 5 years.
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Old 08-01-2010, 11:10 AM
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Kiwibigluv Kiwibigluv is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New Zealand/Aotearoa
Posts: 17

G'day and Kia Ora, from New Zealand/Aotearoa. We are a fmf 'trouple'; Francis, Shirl, and Bfre (Be Free), and co-habit in a polyfidelitous relationship. We've been a trouple for four years, come this October! Woohoo!

Most of our friends and families know of our very special relationship and no one seems to be bothered by it. If anything, I think our friend and families are supportive 'cos they see our relationship as something very special.

A bit about us...

Francis - 52, male, works in social services, ruggedly good-looking *cough*, and a fairly good-natured kiwi bloke. Can tie a cherry stalk into a knot in his mouth.

Shirl - 38, female, office manager, cute-as, and is the household's chief organisor of our social and daily/weekly/monthly activities. Luvs her cats. Is obsessed with "Shortland Street" (local medical soapy.)

Bfre - 38, female, artist, and also cute. Bfre has a fantastic gift for counselling and sorting our interpersonal problems. Luvs her cats, bunnies, two frogs, and would luv to add chickens, pukekos, and a Llama to our menagerie. (Francis sez 'no' - our local city council would have a fit!!)

We are also members of www.nzpoly.co.nz.
Two's company, but three's allowed!
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Old 08-02-2010, 05:31 AM
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cruftnot cruftnot is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 10
Default Looking for some perspective

I'm Z, 38, and married to N for 9 years. We started out not quite monogamous -- but the unspoken premise was conventional monogamy.

We opened up the relationship multiple times, and I dated other women. Through this experimentation and the excruciatingly painful drama that followed, we're pretty certain that I'm as poly as they come, and I am out as such to friends and family. Unfortunately, N's self-discoveries lead in the opposite direction -- she's pretty certain she needs a conventional "closed" marriage for at least a few years.

So here we are in the dreaded monopoly minefield, and carrying our kids along for the ride. It is hard for both of us as there is almost no common ground. To add to the pain and pressure, one of my two long-distance girlfriends, K, recently left me, mostly because she was unable to handle the drama. The other, G, is showing growing signs of distress. Within a year G will either move closer with the expectation of having a normal secondary relationship, or break up with me as well.

It's getting high time to make some hard decisions, and I am hoping to glean some wisdom from the collective experience on this site.
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Old 08-09-2010, 12:47 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62

(I moved this from the Life Stories/Blogs forum, decided it was more appropriate here.)

I am a recent arrival to this forum, although I have a fairly strong presence on the polymatchmaker forums.

Four years ago I read about polyamory online at a time when I was mildly unhappy with the intimacy (mostly the nonsexual kind) I had with my husband, Darren. (All first names have been changed, it's a small poly world, and how!) It really resonated with me. Darren and I had met when I was 19 and he was 20 and we had been monogamous for over 20 years, married for 18 of them. I felt that he was the love of my life, no question, but I wanted more closeness, excitement, connection, sex in my life. Polyamory seemed like the perfect way to get all those things and still remain an honest and ethical person.

Darren wasn't so sure poly was a good fit for us, but after I had a strong emotional connection with an online buddy (which never got physical), he gave me a green light to explore a bit. He himself hung back for a while, didn't attempt to date or meet anyone to date. Instead, he did a lot of research on how things worked in this lifestyle, which has proven invaluable to both of us.

I didn't know what I was doing at first. I believed that men would be emotionally available to me even if they didn't identify as poly. I was dead wrong on that. I was too trusting with people, had unrealistic expectations. I put up with crap from partners and potential partners that I would never put up with now. I learned the hard way.

About a year into our poly experience, I persuaded Darren to seek partners. I was feeling guilty because I'd had a lot of fun and excitement for a year, even if I hadn't managed to form any lasting and loving relationships.

Darren's brief foray on OKcupid (which I had happily discovered right around then) netted him Jessie, a married mother of two who was supposedly poly and lived about three hours away from us. They had an immediate online connection that she spent hours a day nurturing. Darren's inexperience with women in general, as well as his strong desire for more friendships in his life, caused him to take that online connection much more seriously than he should have so early on.

To make a long story short, Jessie turned out to be an emotionally unstable, pathologically needy woman in a bad marriage, who rocked our world with flattery, lies, manipulation, dragging him into bed on their first (and only) date, attempts to make Darren question our two decades-plus connection, and ultimately, a death threat (against me). They only ever met once in person, in the end. I have since learned that Jessie was a fairly classic example of a "cowgirl," a phenomenon I read about on a couple of other poly forums. One of the things I have tried to do since, as a poly person, is educate others about the pitfalls of these kinds of people, and how to identify them.

Darren and I were in pretty bad shape after I insisted he give Jessie the heave-ho. The situation had illuminated the fact that we really did not have the trust between us that we needed to be successfully poly. He had concealed something very serious from me (the death threat) that I absolutely should have been informed about. I hadn't had trust in him either, I found out about the death threat by snooping in his emails. He had a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that he couldn't have really known Jessie at all after five weeks of emails and one date, and had misjudged her character and emotional stability grievously. I had a very hard time with the pace of the relationship, and the fact that he knew a woman for a few weeks, slept with her once, and suddenly seemed to be giving her equal status with me. We took ourselves off to a poly-friendly counselor at that point, who helped put us back together as a couple and mend our trust.

While Darren was still involved with Jessie, I had met Fred, a recently separated man who was fairly new to poly, on OKcupid. We had an instant friendship connection. I was not really physically attracted to him, but he was romantic and sweet and seemed incredibly caring, and was always ready to offer advice and support on the Jessie situation. I think the trouble Darren and I were having made Fred and I get closer than we would have otherwise. I don't even know if I would have become Fred's lover had I not been under that massive stress. Fred might have ended up as just a friend. But I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I so wanted a boyfriend, love, romance, dating, after a year of casual sex flings.

Fred and I ended up dating for over two years. I fell in love with him, despite the fact that my physical attraction to him did not change and sex was usually more of a duty than a pleasure for me. I continued to seek other partners, mostly for this reason, but did not find anything much more compelling than the same sort of flings I had had before meeting Fred.

Fred started dating Erin, a female friend of mine, after I had been with him about six months. We "shared" him quite happily for a year. Then Erin's husband left her and she wanted a more substantial relationship with Fred. My relationship with Fred started hitting bumps the very month Erin's husband walked out on her. We spent the next seven months in increasing distress, mistrust, angst, etc., until Fred, almost certainly under Erin's influence, compromised my trust by weaving a whole web of lies designed to manipulate me into not doing something that Erin felt to be threatening. Ironically, what Erin objected to was me posting about her attempt to get Fred to dump me in an online forum, even though I did not, and would not, reveal any true first names or online profile IDs. Erin and I were no longer friends by that point. Our friendship had ended when she had told me, some months prior, that Fred was justified in ignoring my needs because SHE was the primary partner, not me (this was based on her spending one more night a week with him than I did). Since I saw Erin as an adversary, not a friend, because of that, I was very angry at Fred's attempted manipulation of me and control of my speech on Erin's behalf, especially when the reason I was posting on the online forum to begin with was because I was seeking advice to try to heal the relationship I had with him.

I insisted that Fred come clean about the lying. I never found out the extent of the lies, only that his story about what had initially happened changed twice. I expected he would do what was needed to mend our trust, since he loved me, or so he said. Instead, Fred dumped me as a friend and partner, and cut off contact completely, rather than come clean about what he had lied about. I believe that he felt he was protecting Erin, because had I found out with certainty that she had orchestrated his lying and attempted manipulation of me, I would have likely told mutual friends about it.

I believe that Fred's insecurities were a large part of why we didn't make it. He always questioned why I was with him, could never quite believe that I saw anything in him. acted like we were some sort of Beauty and the Beast situation. In actuality, I am probably somewhat more conventionally attractive than Fred, but not to the point where most people would even take note of it. I think Fred felt much more secure with Erin, who is massively overweight and considered homely by most.

I have been devastated by the loss of my much-loved partner for the past two months, but am finally starting to feel better. I realize now that Fred was dishonest, and disloyal to boot, since I was his partner too, as well as Erin, and did not deserve to have him take sides, against me, the way he did. Shortly before our relationship ended, Fred confessed to me that his history of cheating on his former wife in his pre-poly days was not one love affair as I had thought, it was eight years of casual flings with women he met on a sex site. Had I known that, I probably would never have gotten involved with him in the first place.

The relationship I have with Darren is probably the strongest it has ever been. We have a very deep level of closeness, caring, and honesty with each other. He has been tremendously supportive throughout my breakup with Fred. He lost friends there too, he was close with both Fred and Erin, they betrayed both of us. While I hate what has happened, I know that if I had to walk away from the situation with just one man in my life, I am so grateful that the man was Darren, the love of my life, the father of my children, the man I want to grow old with, rather than Fred, whom I now know to be weak, and not worthy of me.

I have also met someone new who is literally the first person I have met, in four years of being poly, who seems emotionally available AND is physically attractive to me. I don't know him well yet but he seems absolutely perfect except for him being 18 years my junior (gulp). I am really hoping that this relationship works out.

I would also like to find a couple that Darren and I could date together. We were in a quad for a few months this past winter together with another married couple, that did not work out. We really enjoyed the quad dynamic and would love to find another couple who might be more compatible than our first one. I realize that quads are tricky and finding a successful one is a long shot, but I'm hopeful.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 08-11-2010 at 03:08 PM.
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