Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-23-2013, 03:35 AM
dali5671's Avatar
dali5671 dali5671 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: SW OHIO
Posts: 38
Default The cure for polphobia

I never wanted to share her heart.

My wife is "Dahlia", her lover is "K". For my wife and I, we had not sought a poly ls in our 20 years together, and neither though of ourselves as poly. Not even a thought of it.



I was very much supportive of her desire to be sexually empowered, and to be able to find FWB's and fulfill her boundless sexual appetite. I've never had a problem doing so, but for me age 56, 15 year older, it seemed our sex drives were headed in opposite directions, and the thought of her having other lovers seemed to be really a perfect solution for both us, as it was a thrill for me unlike any I'd experienced, and the obvious for her. However....

The man she began a relationship with in January quickly fell for her. The sexual chemistry was incredible, and rivaled ours, unlike any of the men we met we encountered in swinging for many years. He made his feelings clear after several months of their seeing each other, and I was totally against the bond deepening. I was fearful, jealous and became insecure about our relationship. I regretted encouraging her to follow this hotwifing path, felt like it had blown up in my face. However.....

The more we talked, and the more time I got to know him, the feelings eased. Our kids left for the month of June, and he spent most of the time in our home, a beautiful month in which we opened up our home, our lives, and our hearts. I began to not only fully trust him, but also feel deeply for him.

I hadn't planned on starting a thread tonight, so will continue tomorrow.

Last edited by dali5671; 10-23-2013 at 01:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:49 PM
dali5671's Avatar
dali5671 dali5671 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: SW OHIO
Posts: 38
Default cont

This is where it for me, gets a little murky. K is probably the most introverted, opaque human being I've met. But I don't know how good this is for our little Poly V. I had joined a local poly group and the first potluck was on communication. Oh man, how perfect is that??? Except there was no way in hell he was going. I knew before asking him what he'd say, the picture of him seated in a room people he knew nary a soul self disclosing his thoughts n feelings was beyond belief, I knew he be extremely uncomfortable doing so. It was a night we'd planned on being all together, so a simple "date night" it was.

I guess I'm a little uncertain about what a "typical" m2m relationship in a situation like ours is.

Adding to equation I am bi and he is hetero. I had kinda gotten used to that swinging. In Ohio.

But given the fact he's become such a big part of our lives, his lack of ability to communicate freely has become a concern to Dahlia and I. We talk about what things will be like down the road, will he be here? We have pushed him to open up, and I can see it's clearly painful for him to do so. So we are also wondering how it is possible to get such an introverted and private man to open up a bit. This relationship would not exist as it does today without volumes of talk between my wife and, it took a lot to understand and accept it.

Any similar stories?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:23 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 822
Default

If you and your wife like him. If her needs are getting met and he doesn't seem to be causing emotional drama, what is the problem with him being reserved?

I am outgoing myself and to be honest the idea of talking to a bunch of strangers talking about my feelings (or even worse, listening to them talking about theirs) is my idea of a nightmare too. Doesn't mean that I am bad at communicating when something bothers me or when something isn't working.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:36 PM
dali5671's Avatar
dali5671 dali5671 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: SW OHIO
Posts: 38
Smile

I think the single need she has (we) have that is not being met is, where is this thing going? Maybe it's sounds strange to want to know this, but it is something we've talked about.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:38 PM
dali5671's Avatar
dali5671 dali5671 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: SW OHIO
Posts: 38
Default

And we're not so concerned about him not attending the potlucks, we agree it would painful to him, which we don't want... we can attend as a couple and still benefit.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:45 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 822
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dali5671 View Post
I think the single need she has (we) have that is not being met is, where is this thing going? Maybe it's sounds strange to want to know this, but it is something we've talked about.
Maybe he just doesn't know yet. I think you have to be careful not to come on too strong and heavy, just enjoy the relationship and who knows where it will go? A good way to ruin things though is to not leave the man any space to process his feelings. He is obviously an introvert, just give him some space.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-23-2013, 03:02 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 984
Default

I am the hinge between my two men.

Honestly your wife's boyfriend doesn't need to discuss any feelings and etc with you what so ever. Only person he owes a discussion on where things are going with is HER.

Butch and Murf are distantly friendly. Murf would be very upset if Butch was in his business. He is a very private person.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-23-2013, 03:04 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 984
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Maybe he just doesn't know yet. I think you have to be careful not to come on too strong and heavy, just enjoy the relationship and who knows where it will go? A good way to ruin things though is to not leave the man any space to process his feelings. He is obviously an introvert, just give him some space.
I agree pushing him beyond his comfort zone being needy and clingy may only succeed in making him run.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-23-2013, 08:55 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,583
Default

You say you wonder where things are "going to go."

Well, what does that mean exactly? Your wife seeing him more often? Going away on weekends? Meeting your families and vice versa? Moving in together?

Maybe he's fine with whatever the arrangement is now. Does your wife want more? Is he comfortable with you being bi? If you have sexy time all 3 of you, do you/she/him want that more often? Less?

Gotta be specific.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-23-2013, 11:07 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,787
Default

I live in an MFM V where the other guy is often reticent and has a hard time expressing himself -- or even, for that matter, figuring out what he wants.

I guess we've just learned to work around that. Sometimes, when a person has a "communication handicap," they'll always have that handicap, just as much as someone who loses an arm isn't going to grow a new one. So the lady and I talk as much as we can, and try to pick each other's brains in guessing at what her "other husband" might be thinking.

If something urgently needs discussing, you can always sit down as a trio and attempt to ask each other questions and such in an attempt to get to the bottom of things. Just remember, "relucatant communication" can stem from someone just not quite being able to organize their thoughts and feelings (let alone articulate them).

Probably would be helpful if you could condense what you need to know from him into a very simple question that's easy to answer. In that sense, I guess your challenge is to do most of the thinking for him?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:56 AM.