Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-31-2014, 11:55 AM
fiftyeight fiftyeight is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 22
Default Managing STDs in an open relationship

I posted previously about starting an open relationship with a girl.
I am encountering my second challenge at the moment, and it is related to managing STDs and setting rules about them.

I am quite strict when it comes to these things, and the girl I am in an open relationship with is, I would say, of average carefulness.

She slept with two guys in the past month, we do not have any rules about STDs at this point. When she slept with the first guy I asked if she used protection, if there was any penis-vagina contact with no condom,
I also asked her to talk to the guy and ask him if he has any STDs (I asked her that after they already had sex, she and that guy are friends).
She indeed asked the person and he was apparently a bit offended and she feels it hurt their relationship in some way. He did answer that he has no STDs, but he didn't do any tests apparently and is going to do tests.

The second guy was apparently a short encounter, they were both quite drunk and it lasted only several seconds as far as I understand.
They did use a condom. However, she didn't ask him whether he has STDs.
I asked her to talk to him and ask him whether he has any STDs (again, after they already had sex).
This time she seems quite reluctant to do it, and she doesn't really know when she'll see him again. I asked that she does it in person, though maybe I should take it back. My rationale was that he is less likely to lie when she asks him in person. For example, in SMS messages, he'll have time to think, and then he might say to himself "if I tell her I have STDs, she won't sleep with me again", and then he might lie and tell her he has none (maybe I'm too cynical? but some people are dicks I guess).
She had some opportunities to ask him when she saw him, but forgot to ask him. Now she doesn't really know when she'll see him again, and to tell the truth I am a bit concsious about having sex when I know she slept with a guy and didn't ask him whether he has any STDs.

Ideally, she would ask before she has sex, so she can judge for herself whether she wants to take the risk. I did tell her now that I think it's smarter if she asks before sex, and she seems to be on board.
But I am still thinking what to do about this one occurence (the second guy, whom she didn't ask about STDs), should I just forget about it and take the risk? I mean it was only one encounter and they used a condom. I really don't want to remind her about it a thousand times, it has already been made clear that it is important to me that she asks him. I can just set a line in the sand and say I don't want to have sex until she asks him, but I feel pretty bad witholding sex from her, as I didn't make it clear beforehand that she should ask and she doesn't really deserve being "punished" in this way.
I can also ask her to give me some latest date by which asks him (and have sex until that time).
In my head I am pretty conscious about the whole thing, and wouldn't be enjoying the sex as much.
The main STD I am concerned about is AIDS.

I am just looking for any advice on how to manage these things.
Thanx everyone
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-31-2014, 12:25 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 339
Default

I wouldn't forget about it and take the risk (I am very risk averse). If I was to be in an open relationship with somebody who had a different attitude towards risk than me, I would use condoms when I had sex with them.

That way I wouldn't have to be worried about constantly reminding my partner to ask about STDs or be worried that any others involved might not know their STD status or might lie about it.

I know that HIV isn't the death sentence that it used to be (at least if you live in the West) but it is still something I'd prefer to take precautions against getting. Particularly when using condoms isn't a massive problem.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-31-2014, 03:34 PM
tenK tenK is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 17
Default

It's totally your responsibility to look after your own sexual health. In this case, it sounds like your only option is to use barrier protection with your partner. She will take the risks that she is comfortable taking; if her standards of protection are lower than yours, then the only solution is to use condoms, or stop having sex with her. Express your concern for *her* health if you feel strongly about it, but don't leave it up to her to look after your own.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-31-2014, 04:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,864
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by fiftyeight View Post
I posted previously about starting an open relationship with a girl.
I am encountering my second challenge at the moment, and it is related to managing STDs and setting rules about them.

I am quite strict when it comes to these things, and the girl I am in an open
Good for you

Quote:
relationship with is, I would say, of average carefulness.
Not so good for you. Simple rule, you have two choices when it comes to STDs. if yours and your partners considerations don't align, then all you can do is protect yourself. Period. Obviously that creates two choices.

Quote:
She slept with two guys in the past month, we do not have any rules about STDs at this point.
Sounds like a good time to start.

Quote:
When she slept with the first guy I asked if she used protection, if there was any penis-vagina contact with no condom,
I also asked her to talk to the guy and ask him if he has any STDs (I asked her that after they already had sex, she and that guy are friends).
She indeed asked the person and he was apparently a bit offended and she feels it hurt their relationship in some way. He did answer that he has no STDs, but he didn't do any tests apparently and is going to do tests.
Unbelievable that in this day and age someone takes offence. That would be a red flag for me. Its your right to ask her, and its her right to know.

Personally, we screen everyone, by asking for STD testing before p&v. If anyone doesn't like it, they can take a walk.

Quote:
The second guy was apparently a short encounter, they were both quite drunk and it lasted only several seconds as far as I understand.
They did use a condom. However, she didn't ask him whether he has STDs.
I asked her to talk to him and ask him whether he has any STDs (again, after they already had sex).
This time she seems quite reluctant to do it, and she doesn't really know when she'll see him again. I asked that she does it in person, though maybe I should take it back. My rationale was that he is less likely to lie when she asks him in person. For example, in SMS messages, he'll have time to think, and then he might say to himself "if I tell her I have STDs, she won't sleep with me again", and then he might lie and tell her he has none (maybe I'm too cynical? but some people are dicks I guess).
Then protect yourself, ask her to get tested over the next while (figure out what you are comfortable with).. if she refuses.. well thats another story.

Quote:
Ideally, she would ask before she has sex, so she can judge for herself whether she wants to take the risk. I did tell her now that I think it's smarter if she asks before sex, and she seems to be on board.
But I am still thinking what to do about this one occurence (the second guy, whom she didn't ask about STDs), should I just forget about it and take the risk? I mean it was only one encounter and they used a condom. I really don't want to remind her about it a thousand times, it has already been made clear that it is important to me that she asks him. I can just set a line in the sand and say I don't want to have sex until she asks him, but I feel pretty bad witholding sex from her, as I didn't make it clear beforehand that she should ask and she doesn't really deserve being "punished" in this way.
I can also ask her to give me some latest date by which asks him (and have sex until that time).
In my head I am pretty conscious about the whole thing, and wouldn't be enjoying the sex as much.
The main STD I am concerned about is AIDS.
I am worried about all STD's.

Boy number 1 - no rules, simply stating concerns without rules is passive aggressive. Clearly state the rules you want to live by
Boy number 2 - you talked about it and I think you laid out the rules more clearly?

Hopefully moving forward you get what you need to feel safe.

BTW Kudos to her for using a condom drunk.. It seems most drunk people become incompetent in the use of their hands. They can full fucktion, but can't figure out how to work a little piece of plastic wrap haha

Quote:
I am just looking for any advice on how to manage these things.
Thanx everyone
You can only manage yourself You just hope people around you respect you enough to align themselves with you, if your expectations are reasonable. Not everyone can align in everything
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-31-2014, 04:34 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 703
Default

I also agree I would use condoms with a partner who was having risky sexual behavior . If you can't trust her to be honest then thats not a risk if be willing to make
__________________
Sue, in openly vee with Nate (polysexual dating Jo) and Sam (Mono but open to poly)
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-31-2014, 09:28 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Did she use a condom with the first guy? If she did, I wouldn't say her behaviour is particularly risky, myself. I mean, test results are some indication of someone's Std status, but the older they are, the less confirmation they give us.

If she didn't use a condom, and/or her risk management continues to cause you anxiety, then use condoms.

Personally, I get tested for chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichimonas, syphilis and hiv every three months. When I was slutting around (with condoms), I increased my testing for chlamydia and gonorrhea to every month.
The Nhs do not routinely test for herpes or hpv unless you fit specific criteria. I've never had symptoms of either but have no idea what my status is in regards to those two. I don't think it's important for me to know. Maybe if I had an immuno compromised partner or metamour, testing would be indicated but otherwise, not really an issue.

My partner and I do not use condoms for anything with each other but do for vaginal and anal sex with others. We don't use barriers for any thing other than those two forms of sex.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-31-2014, 10:26 PM
kala83's Avatar
kala83 kala83 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 37
Default

I can understand it being awkward for some but to a very good degree its something that needs to be asked about.

its not something you want to just go un noticed.

me and my primary are also fairly strict when it comes to STD safety.

mostly on my part cause I know how it is when you do catch one...and its not a fun thing to go through at all for you or your partners.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-01-2014, 02:48 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 473
Default

I don't care how unsexy it is....I open up every threesome talk with the fact that we use protection with any outside relationships and that we test, respectively, every six months.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-01-2014, 04:53 AM
fiftyeight fiftyeight is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 22
Default

Should have mentiond she did use a condom with the first guy.
So both times she did it (with each guy she did it once) she used a condom.

I take it back that HIV is the only thing I am worried about. I do not actually know about all STDs. I've read about Herpes, and it seems to be quite annoying as well, mainly because it is uncurable. So don't feel like contracting that either.

I will use a condom when we do it. Even though Herpes seems to pass by skin-to-skin contact, and from what I've read condoms only reduce the risk by about 50% (see http://medweb.mit.edu/wellness/progr...tml#prevention)

But I guess there's only that much you can do, it seems most people when getting tested for STDs do not conduct a hepres test anyway, so seems you can't really avoid that STD.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-01-2014, 05:22 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,044
Default

For me; if they can't show me that every person they have slept with since their last series of full std testing came back has also had full std testing, they aren't going to so much as cuddle with me. Period.
I am ultra-anal retentive about it.

I have herpes. Its a pain in the ass. None, not one single partner in the 23 years since I contracted it, has gotten it (and you quite certainly CAN be tested for it, we are every year). I do not ever have sex with anyone before letting them know i have it. Period.

With potential new partners the topic of safer sex practices comes up before i so much as exchange a kiss.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
open relationship, stds

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:37 AM.