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Old 03-17-2015, 06:10 PM
Asparagus Asparagus is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 71
Default Primary definition

I've been thinking about my own definition of promariness. While in practicality, i like to live all relationships to their limits, the concept still hold validity to me. I've felt over-committed at times when I feel I'm giving a semi-permanent commitment of time and energy, which I consider a primary perk, to a situation where I'm not getting the same kind of commitment.

To me, primariness means that something available to one partner is open to another. It may take time, but equality or opportunity is on the table.

If the assumption is that if balancing the relationship gets rough, you'd end it with me no matter who was causing the conflict and difficulty,

If you are only open to living with me if I live with your other partner

If you are going to let the other impose limits on our relationship, based on his/her needs, without asking about mine,

If you're not open to occasional balancing where I get a larger share of energy and attention when I need it, that a 60/40 split, or even 70/30 split can happen in my favor as well as against,

I'm not going to feel very primary.

I know my feelings are valid, and how I define primariness is valid. But is it universal? Do other people see it differently?
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:26 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,615
Red face

Sounds about right. Sam is definitely a co primary. Nate isn't interested in spending any amount of time beyond a couple hours a week with anyone even though he has plenty of time to, he doesn't even have secondary partners.
Sue, hinge in a vee with Nate (Polysexual) and Sam (monogamous)
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Old 03-18-2015, 06:13 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,451

Here are some very thoughtful blog posts by two popular bloggers - AggieSez, whose definitions and arguments against primary/secondary hierarchies align with my own thoughts on the subject, and the Goddess of Java:

Who’s Your Primary?

Polyamory does not equal hierarchy (and why it’s a problem to talk as if it does)

Why I say “non-primary,” not “secondary”

Due diligence for non-primary partners, in a convenient card!

Don't Treat People as Things
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
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Old 03-18-2015, 09:34 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 8,655

Hi Asparagus,

I think you have a reasonable definition for primary.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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