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Old 02-08-2011, 06:20 AM
Lifechanging Lifechanging is offline
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Default A Beautiful Path

Hello,

I have been in a polyfidelitous triad with the two most wonderful women in the world for close to a year now. (We'll call them "the musician" and "the artist.") I was already dating the musician (who I knew was bi) when we met the artist and we three started down the most beautiful, life-changing path any of us have ever taken. I wanted to post here for the first time and offer my praise and support for all the polys out there in this big world, and tell you that I am proud of you all--for your courage, your compassion, and your self-confidence. This beautiful journey has been challenging for me at times--and all the more so at this point, since it is a long-distance relationship on all three sides (this will be only temporary). But I do think the distance has made certain facets easier to deal with--and quite frankly I think it would've been much more difficult if two of us were living together apart from the third.

I don't like to rank in order of importance the emotions and feelings I have, but the musician is and will perhaps always be my primary. We were very confident and strong in our monogomous relationship when we met the artist. My primary and I have not had this kind of discussion with the artist yet, and to be honest, things have been so equal and giving in terms of time, work, finance, and sexuality, that I don't think it is all that clear that there is in fact a heirarchy to how two of the three of us see the relationship. My question here is this: How important is it to try and define this facet of the musician and my relationship with the artist? Should she know that she is not the primary? This has been bugging me--but past experiences have taught me that some things are better felt and experienced than defined. I feel that it really is a finer point that we've managed to do without exploring during the past 11 months, but I do care a great deal about both partners, and I feel a twinge of guilt at not being completely honest. The musician and I have been talking of taking this relationship to the next level with the artist (i.e., the possibility of us coordinating our living arrangements, etc.)--but she and I would like to raise this topic as "pillow talk" rather than over the phone. I think the very real possibility of us three conjoining our lives is part of the reason I feel that twinge of guilt.

I look forward to hearing your helpful advice.



Best Wishes,


Lifechanging
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Old 02-08-2011, 06:27 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This thread might help http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1489 although I suspect you won't like what it says much. There are others if you do a tag search for "living together."
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Old 02-08-2011, 06:40 AM
Lifechanging Lifechanging is offline
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Thank You, Redpepper.




We three had lived in the same city, and had all but lived together in terms of belongings and possessions for many months before we started this recent long-distance portion of our relationship. There are no kids for any of us.

That's a good question to ask--about cohabitation. And I'd never thought about it or questioned it like that before. But I will certainly have to give it some thought now--as to what makes us want that, and why.


-Lifechanging
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Old 02-09-2011, 02:55 AM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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well living together can be difficult. meaning.. you never REALLY get to know someone UNTIL you live with them. But I think it can work as long as each of you have your own personal space. Everyone needs personal space.. mine is my chair by the heater. Im alittle like archie bunker when it comes to my chair lol. But its my space lol.
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Old 02-09-2011, 03:38 AM
Lifechanging Lifechanging is offline
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Absolutely right about the space. I am a bit of a hermit too at times...

The main reason I posted this topic was to seek a bit of advice about having the Primary/Non-Primary discussion. From everyone's experience, is it needed or important to define this?

Best Wishes,


Lifechanging
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:25 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lifechanging View Post
Absolutely right about the space. I am a bit of a hermit too at times...

The main reason I posted this topic was to seek a bit of advice about having the Primary/Non-Primary discussion. From everyone's experience, is it needed or important to define this?

Best Wishes,


Lifechanging
I would suggest reading the primary/secondary thread located in the stickies or do a tag search on "primary" or "secondary." It's a hot topic that has been gone over numerous times... any questions can be added there if you like.
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