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Old 11-26-2013, 02:01 AM
luna9981 luna9981 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
Red face scared newbie

Hi Everyone,

I'm actually not sure where to start. My husband and I have been married for ten years. I have to admit at some points it has been rocky, but we always seem to work things out. My husband has many times brought up the subject of bringing a third person into our lives. I don't think I ever took him seriously, I always joked about it until he told me that he met another woman and wanted me to talk with her.

So eight months ago we all bonded. Im not sure if i will be able to love her the way my husband does, but i am sure that we will become good friends. She even came and visited with us for 3 weeks. Everything went better than i thought it would. We talked about our fears and concerns and what we want for the future. And alot of things that we want are common goals, except for one thing and this is the part thar scares me the most. CHILDREN....

My husband and I have a beautiful 8 year old son. About a year later i was pregnant again. My husband talked me into termanting the pregnancy, which was very hard for me to do. And he kept telling me that he didn't want anymore children. So for the next 6 years we were very careful not to have anymore. He always told me our son was enough.

So in that 6 year we talked about getting my tubes tied. Of course I did what he asked, boy i sure feel like a doormat. So now I cant have anymore kids, how I want them now. Whats a girl to do. So of course my husband told me that his girlfriend wants to have children with him. I felt so betrayed. I have accepted that he loves her and that she is part of the family, why do I feel so bad about her having my husbands children. Gosh darnet i termanated a baby and had my tubes tied for him.

Now knowing how i felt about having more kids, he is sorry about what he forced me to do. I have even talked to his girlfriend about what happened. They both told me that they will do everything possible to have more children. That means reversing my tubaligation or getting IVF which they are both very supportive of.

So why am i so scared, am I jealous of her because she wont have any trouble getting pregnant and have the babies i could of had. I dont want to be resentful of her for having his children, she told me that she wants me to help raise ther child as my own. For some reason i cant see it that way. I am scared that i will be forgotten and not needed anymore, even they both tell me that will never happen.

How do i stop feeling scared?? Im not sure what to to. I have fully accepted their relationship and the relationship the she and i will build. I cant seem to get pass that one part. Is that wrong of me? I do have to admit that that my husband has become more understanding and gentler and our sex life has gotten a hell of a lot better.

Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-26-2013, 03:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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You are grieving for the loss of the children you may not have. (Although it sounds like your husband and gf want to help reverse the issue.). That is normal. I have a friend who can never have children and she finds her firend's baby showers to be very tough for her. However as this is an issue she has always had to deal with, she doesn't begrudge her friends.

Your grief was triggered by the gf's desire and your husband's willingness to have children. That said, triggered is not the same as caused by.

The fact of the matter is that one time your husband did not want more children - certainly within his right. Unfortunately, as a consequence he convinced you to do something that you didn't want, but accepted. Now he has changed his mind, but because of past actions has made that luxury, if not impossible, then certainly very difficult for you.

I understand your grief and sense of betrayal.

That said, this happened before gf. None of this is her fault. She should no more be denied children than you should be.

It doesn't follow that you will be tossed aside if she should have kids. Your relationship with your husband is not based on your ability to bear children. Not even accidentally. And I am quite sure the gf will welcome all of the help she can get.
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Old 11-26-2013, 03:35 AM
luna9981 luna9981 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
Red face scared newbie

Thank you for you reply,

I know that i have a long way to go. I dont want to hurt anyone in the process of our growing relationship. This is all so new to me. I know that we will get stronger together. I am greatful of the support this forum provides. I feel alot better writing my feeling down. Maybe i should start a journal.
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