Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-23-2013, 09:58 AM
mialush mialush is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
Default Is this arousal normal?

My husband has started seein this girl for about 4 months. She knew that he was married and is ok with that. He has fallen in love with her and she has moved in with us.

He has always been honest with his feelings and would talk to me about how he feels about her and how it is to make love to her. He says that they have incredible sex and that he's totally satisfied. Now that she lives with us, I see them kissing and witness them having sex. I find myself very aroused watching them together.

Is this a normal reaction? Does this happen to others too? We are new to this.

And what should I do?
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 10:08 AM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Just....enjoy the feeling?

I don't know what exactly you want to hear, you're aroused and not to be dismissive but, so? Lots of people get aroused when they see physical intimacy, that is why there is a porn industry, of course it's normal.
Some people would consider it a plus, you are not feeling jealous but instead feel aroused...huzzah!! Result, enjoy it, go off and masturbate!
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 10:11 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I think that people are either turned off, Indifferent or turned on by their partner having sex with other people. Being indifferent or turned on can only support a polyamorous relationship.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 12:37 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Eh, what's normal, really? Doesn't sound weird to me. A scientist recently released results of a study she conducted in which it was found that most women get turned on by images that suggest the promise of sex. So, enjoy it.

My only question about your situation is, why did the gf move in with you? And why after dating your husband for only four months? That is the part that strikes me as rather odd, premature, perhaps a bit foolhardy, and where I would wave a yellow flag, just to be cautious. You hardly know someone at that early stage, even if he is "in love" with her. You say you're new to poly - were you under the mistaken impression that poly relationships mean everyone all has to live together? Do you have another relationship yourself? Hope you don't mind my asking - I'm just curious.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 02:17 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,584

Hi again, mialush. You posted almost the same thing in May of 2012.

I can't believe how excited I get thinking about him falling in love with her again. Making deep passionate love to her. Letting him know that I would support him in following his heart.

Is this normal?
People said, yes, that is compersion. Or what you might call vicarious pleasure.

I gather from your posts, you don't want another lover, male or female, and are just content with your compersion for your h's loves. That is fine, as long as your needs are being met from just your husband.

But I also wonder, like NYCindie, why you both decided moving a new person in only 4 months into the relationship was a good idea. Could be very awkward if things go bad after the new relationship energy wears off. After all, sounds like that last relationship he tried in May 2012 didn't work out...
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 10:05 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default It's only a problem if they are not aware you are watching

Leaving the door open is one thing, if you're walking down a hallway and they obviously aren't trying to hide anything, I believe it cold definitely be labeled healthy,normal arousal. If you are watching from some tiny hidden video than no, it isn't healthy at all unless they are aware and desire or at least willing to not care whether you watch.

Otherwise it is violating your other people's privacy, and out of all the private activities for you to violate -- sex if probably the worst one to be violated -- but that's my system /belief on severity of privacy violation, the only thing worse would be to then further violate by sharing or inviting others.

But honestly that's a moot point because that is not what you are asking, and even if you were, it would be their call as to whether or not they are offended.

Just make sure you don't interupt, and ask before you approach
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2013, 10:41 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 607

I take it that they are aware of and ok with you watching/hearing them having sex.

Yes, it normal to become aroused by witnessing/hearing others have sex (I myself sometimes get turned on by listeing to the neighbours! And...this is the reason porn exists). Specifically, becoming aroused by your partner having sex with another can be part of compersion. Some are indifferent to the sex, others think it is kind of nice/cozy/sweet, others are turned on, like yourself. I think all three reactions can be part of compersion.

If you are ok, and they are ok, there is no problem, just enjoy
Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2013, 04:27 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

I love seeing WI and AM aroused and alive and immersed. Totally turns me on. WI experiences the same with AM and me. And AM with WI and me.

I think your experience is awesome -- if it's what you're feeling, feel it! You love it when your husband is in love and making love. That is incredible. You're an amazing human being.

What should you do? Enjoy it. What's about this: Join it? And if that has no appeal and you are at peace being the watcher and enjoyer, then feel safe. You sound happy. Don't second guess. Just be happy!
Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2013, 09:24 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Corpus Christi,Texas
Posts: 72

I have to admit, I also get very aroused hearing/seeing my wife have sex with her boyfriend..Very much so. And she knows I do (and he does also) and we are very open with each other about that.
It's also a good tool to use if I ever get that occasional tinge of jealousy, I just remind myself the pleasure I get from it as well, and needless to say that jealousy disperses pretty quick. It's just another form of compersion for me.

Is it normal? I guess it depends on what each person finds normal. I find it normal, but that's me. Others may think its strange but that's their opinion, which they are free to have.
The characters in another chapter we call life!
T - Wife - Poly
J - Husband Poly
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:42 PM.