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  #11  
Old 11-25-2013, 04:39 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissSadieD View Post
There is no future with him. This was his second chance and he blew it by doing the exact same thing he did the first time.
Than what you wrote to her was incorrect, you are ending it with him, that does not necessarily mean he is ending it with her.

You have a right to be angry, but she doesn't owe you anything, she did not break faith with you, your husband did, he is the one who you should be directing your anger to. You are doing the usual thing of focusing too much on the other woman (person).
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  #12  
Old 11-25-2013, 04:45 PM
MissSadieD MissSadieD is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
that does not necessarily mean he is ending it with her...
I told her everything he said about her, that he referred to her as his "moped" (fun to ride but embarrassing if your friends see you on her). I doubt she'd speak to him now if he tried.
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  #13  
Old 11-25-2013, 04:53 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I hope that anger makes you feel better, but it won't sustain you forever.

And women have forgiven much worse.....as you have done, so I wouldn't start dancing a jig so soon.
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  #14  
Old 11-25-2013, 05:02 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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You have every right to be angry. You have been treated poorly. But lashing out at her does you no good. It might feel good now but shortly it will just feel empty. She should have not cheated. That was wrong. But direct your pain (for that is what rage is) at where it belongs - with your ex.

I'm sorry it ended this way. I'm sorry he was not capable right now of being a better person.

However, you have a child with him. That means he will be in your life in some way for the rest of your life. His cheating does not automatically make him a bad father. A bad partner yes, but he might still be a good father. Be angry at him. Rage at him here. Talk to friends about your feelings. But make sure to leave your child out of it. I realize she is an infant now and won't understand but get in the habit of not tearing him down in front of her.

You do not have the luxury of writing him off, as good as that might feel, as much as he might have earned that. You have to be the better person here and figure out how to co-parent with him. You do not have the luxury of being petty. Your child desperately needs you to be the adult and start working this out with him.

And do get treated for PPD. That is more important than ever now. I wish you the best.
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  #15  
Old 11-26-2013, 07:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
There is no future with him. This was his second chance and he blew it by doing the exact same thing he did the first time.
He blew it because he AGREED to break up with her? Wasn't him breaking up with her the desired outcome? Or were you also wanting to be in charge of the METHOD of how he broke up with her?

I think you could have allowed your anger to get the best of you and forgot that this was YOUR second chance with him too.

You seemed mad he wanted to do a break up in a decent way.
  • Maybe you didn't trust him to actually do it.
  • Maybe you felt jealous that NOW he was ready to consider other people's feelings. And you envy she is going to get/got better treatment at her breakup time than you got when they started the cheating time.
  • Maybe you are mad he was (considering her feelings when breaking up with her) and you overfocussed on the "consider her feelings" part of it and not the "BREAKING UP WITH HER" part of it.
  • Maybe he wasn't considering your feelings enough for you or in the way you wanted. Not then, and not now.

Could you step back to see maybe he had to go through this whole experience to learn to consider other people? And part of the price of admission for you to arrive at "Yay! They are broken up! Now on to repair our marriage!" place is tolerating a bit more? So he can end that thing decently and so become more willing to work with you?

Anyway... You did NOT let him handle his break up with her how he wanted to do it. Instead, you blew up at him.

This behavior of yours helps you and his SHARED second chance at (the you + him relationship repair time) start off well HOW? It isn't just his second chance. It's yours too.

His behavior toward her -- trying to be decent to others -- how would that new behavior or new skill set have benefited (you + him) moving forward? You don't want him to treat people other than himself decently?

If you knew you did NOT want to be with him why not just break up with him to start with? Rather than going with second chances for (you + him repair time) that you really aren't invested in?

I am baffled. I think you could be under great emotion still and it could have clouded your judgement a bit.

I'm still not sure if you want to be together as a married couple or not... but you could approach it with a cooler head.
  • Could make up your mind that you want to be all OUT of the marriage. So in your behavior you choose to help it disband clean and quick to get you to healing faster.
  • Or you make up your mind that you want to be IN for healing it. So in your behavior you choose to be in there helping him to do the work of repair to get you to the healing place faster.

But become firm of purpose and stick with what you decide. Then align your behavior with it. Because you have to co-parent no matter what happens to the state of the marriage.

Creating NEW hooha with your behavior on the marriage layer just ADDS to the burden on the co-parenting layer for you. It does not TAKE AWAY from your overall burdens. You keep yourself in the hurting place with that behavior.

I know this is hard, and not fun. I am very sorry you are going through this. But try to MINIMIZE the suckage for yourself -- not maximize.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-26-2013 at 05:12 PM.
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  #16  
Old 11-28-2013, 08:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It never pays to be vindictive, and the satisfaction you gain from being mean to the girlfriend will be short-lived, I guarantee it. Because when the red fumes that are coming out of your ears start to clear, you'll still be stuck with that cheating, cowardly liar of a husband of yours - in other words, you will still have to deal with his betrayal. You both have a lot of work to do - for him, it will be to regain your trust, and for you, it will be to reach a place of forgiveness and trusting him again. Acting like a jackass toward him or his girlfriend accomplishes nothing other than satisfying an urge to inflict pain on someone in retaliation for the pain you felt. But the dishonesty and hurt between you and your husband is still there - so how do you expect to "start fresh" with letting him find a new girlfriend while you are still so hurt and angry? You resolved nothing by doing what you did. I say, get thee both to counseling!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-28-2013 at 08:38 PM.
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