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Old 11-26-2013, 06:01 PM
Anakalia Anakalia is offline
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Hello everyone,

I am very new here, but I'm hoping to find some insight on poly dynamics and others who are in similar shoes as myself.

I feel like this could be a novel, so I'll try to be brief.

I am currently in a great triad and I love my partners like crazy. They are married and I started dating my girlfriend initially... and then months later it just happened where we all started dating. Totally unexpected, but great nonetheless.

I'm struggling with a few things though, and I'm wondering how others have handled such feelings/situations. I struggle with the fact that I will never get married again. I have 4 kids, I am divorced, but I always envisioned myself marrying again. I don't know exactly why I'm hung up on this, but I feel like I am mourning the loss of a dream if that makes any sense at all. We are in a closed triad.

I also have a hard time being "the other". I don't even know what to say about this, except that I sometimes feel like it's me and them, where they are the base unit, and I'm "the other". They do nothing to make me feel this way, in fact, they do the opposite. They are fantastic and really work hard to make me feel like an equal part of the triad, but there are some things that just can't be helped. Of course the relationships would be different, they've been married for a long time! But even looking forward, I wonder how things will ultimately work out in terms of everyone feeling like a completely equal member of the relationship.

Then there's kiddies.... but I think I'll save that for another post, hahaha!

Thanks a lot, any insight is greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:27 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakalia View Post
I'm struggling with a few things though, and I'm wondering how others have handled such feelings/situations. I struggle with the fact that I will never get married again. I have 4 kids, I am divorced, but I always envisioned myself marrying again. I don't know exactly why I'm hung up on this, but I feel like I am mourning the loss of a dream if that makes any sense at all. We are in a closed triad.
Other folks will have some thoughts on being in a triad. I don't have experience with that. But I do know there is a lot here about feeling like the 'third' wheel. It's pretty common.

It's also completely normal that you may be mourning the end of a dream - that of getting legally married again. It's ok to mourn that loss. It's ok to acknowledge that it is a loss. We are strongly programmed by society to want that fancy ceremony - that can be hard to let go of. It might be worth while for you to examine why this is something you expected, or assumed, would happen sooner or later. You might be able to figure out what need or want this fulfills and figure out another way to get that need or want met. Maybe a handfasting? I know many pagan poly folks who have had spiritual ceremonies with no legal ramifications to indicate their commitment. It is not necessary to be pagan to consider this option. Maybe another way to designate and demonstrate your triad's commitment to each other and to a wider community?

Also, consider if the opportunity to be in a legal marriage is important enough to rethink your current relationships. If it is important to you, perhaps the three of you agree to open up the triad so you can seek a partner to legally marry. (Why is the triad closed?) Finding such a partner would be hard but not impossible.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:27 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Not to sound too harsh, but, if they aren't doing anything to make you feel like an outsider, it's completely your choice how to feel.

If you want to feel like a part of them, then let yourself feel it. So long as you think you aren't a part of the group, you never will be.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:46 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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We all have the right to live the way we want to live. It doesn't mean that we would necessarily 'get' it, but we have the right to seek it out. Why is your triad closed if you would perhaps want to be married again? If that need is important to you, seek it out, Poly means not having to end a relationship to start another, so keep your options open, don't box yourself into this 'closed triad' thing which is more limiting for the unmarried woman than either marrieds.
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Old 11-26-2013, 08:17 PM
Anakalia Anakalia is offline
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Thanks for your replies.

We are closed because we are trying to take things slow and make sure we are solid as a unit before adding another relationship. What I didn't mention is that I have never really identified as poly, more of a serial monogamist to be honest... but have found myself in a relationship that is poly, and so it's all really new to me still. I am honestly not sure how I would feel if they both took on more partners. That said, it's not off the table for eternity, just for now.
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Old 11-26-2013, 08:20 PM
Anakalia Anakalia is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Maybe a handfasting? I know many pagan poly folks who have had spiritual ceremonies with no legal ramifications to indicate their commitment. It is not necessary to be pagan to consider this option. Maybe another way to designate and demonstrate your triad's commitment to each other and to a wider community?
We have talked about handfasting, so that may be an option in the future.
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Old 11-26-2013, 10:18 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakalia View Post
Thanks for your replies.

We are closed because we are trying to take things slow and make sure we are solid as a unit before adding another relationship. What I didn't mention is that I have never really identified as poly, more of a serial monogamist to be honest... but have found myself in a relationship that is poly, and so it's all really new to me still. I am honestly not sure how I would feel if they both took on more partners. That said, it's not off the table for eternity, just for now.
You'll never know how you feel till something happens. Try to be secure in your relationship with each of them....you and her...you and him....the three of you....and concentrate on making that work.
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Old 11-26-2013, 10:52 PM
Anakalia Anakalia is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
You'll never know how you feel till something happens. Try to be secure in your relationship with each of them....you and her...you and him....the three of you....and concentrate on making that work.
Agreed, that's kinda the idea. Just trying to get to that completely secure place before even considering adding anything. I also tend to over-think and over-analyze everything, which is currently my biggest problem. Working on it though! Thanks!
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Old 11-27-2013, 12:14 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakalia View Post
Agreed, that's kinda the idea. Just trying to get to that completely secure place before even considering adding anything. I also tend to over-think and over-analyze everything, which is currently my biggest problem. Working on it though! Thanks!
No such thing as completely secure.
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Can you give more details?

Do you and your kids live with them?
If not, how far away do you live?
If you do, are you a legal co-owner of the home? Do you have your own space? Do you participate in decisions about décor, holidays, new purchases of appliances, that sort of thing?
Of the three of you, who has jobs? Do all three work full time? Do any of you work part time or not at all?
You have your own vehicle?
Do you share bank accounts and credit cards with them?
Do you meet their family and friends as an equal?
What are retirement plans? Are all three of you working together toward retirement?
What about health care? Are you and your children covered by his health care?
How do your kids feel about this? Are they aware of what your relationship is with this couple? How old are they?

Last edited by WhatHappened; 11-27-2013 at 02:52 PM.
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