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  #1  
Old 08-25-2016, 02:01 AM
Polyfitjt Polyfitjt is offline
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Question Polydiselitus

We are a married couple. Always considered us soul mates. We have now been dating a woman for nearly a year. About 4 months in she fell madly in love with hubby. She and I are still trying to learn each other and develop and trust. I believe she loves me. She just is so crazy over him sometimes I feel left out. They have a crazy attraction and consider each other soul mates as well. In the purest since of the definition they are. I'm seriously trying not to be jealous or worried. My husband is always supportive and reassures me that there is nothing to worry about. I truly believe him so not sure what bothers me. Any suggestions?

Last edited by Polyfitjt; 08-25-2016 at 11:17 AM. Reason: Wanted to adjust my wording
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  #2  
Old 08-25-2016, 02:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, this is very common. Are you sure she's bisexual? Were you and your husband strictly looking for a "third" and only offering a "package deal" where the woman you sought would have to be involved with both of you or not at all? Do a Tag search for "couple privilege" and "unicorn hunters" if that is how the two of you approached starting a relationship with her. A lot of times straight women go along with having a relationship with the wife in a non-monogamous couple because that's the only option they have to be with the husband.

If that was the only offer you put on the table, and your husband and you will not date separately, unfortunately this is the kind of things that happens. You cannot legislate love. It's quite unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a person to come into a relationship with an established couple and love both of you equally and simultaneously.

You should all sit down and talk. All three together. Tell them the feelings you've been having and how you wonder if there is something you should be concerned about. Point blank ask her of she really only wants to be with your husband and not you. If it turns out that is the case, and isn't that much into you or women in general (sexually), then you should date on your own and strike up a relationship with someone else. You have your thing, they have theirs.
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:21 AM
Polyfitjt Polyfitjt is offline
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She is very bisexual. She does love me. We have really good times together. They are just very few just the two of us. Feels like we just have a lot of catching up to do. Their relationship had been growing fast and deep. Schedules just permit them to have a lot more communication than she and I get. She is working on it with me but I always feel like I'm playing catch up
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:48 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyfitjt View Post
She is very bisexual. She does love me. We have really good times together. They are just very few just the two of us. Feels like we just have a lot of catching up to do. Their relationship had been growing fast and deep. Schedules just permit them to have a lot more communication than she and I get. She is working on it with me but I always feel like I'm playing catch up
It doesn't sound that terrible, sounds like a viable triade, if she really is into you. The usual advice I think would be "don't focus on what they have, ask for what you need". Understand that her's and your husbands relationship is separate from your's and her's (though they of course influence each other in the sense of metamour relationships). They grow separetelly. There's nowhere to catch up. Also, there's no equality - there are just satisfied or dissatisfied people. Ask yourself: are you dissatisfied because you would like more time with her? Are you jealous because you're worried your husband will have more of a connection with her then yourself? Are you envious of their connection, because you would like that for yourself too (with her specifically or someone in general)?
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:03 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I highly recommend getting out with girlfriend for some bonding time one on one without the husband
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  #6  
Old 08-25-2016, 01:15 PM
Polyfitjt Polyfitjt is offline
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Default Good advice. Helping me think

Yes I think I am a little jealous of their connection. I would love to have more of one with her. I don't worry about my husband becoming more connected to her than me but sometimes I wonder at which point it levels off. she and I have the hardest time trying to fit our schedules. their schedules allow for them to make time when I'm at work so they always say it doesn't take anything away from me. I feel like I'm expected to be ok with everything no matter what and if I'm not then it's something wrong with me. Not that I'm just overwhelmed and I would like them to just lighten up a little sometimes. I love them both and I know they both love me. Just like I said overwhelmed I guess
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:42 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Even though she is very bisexual, that doesn't mean you and she will have the same type of connection she and your husband do. In fact, that is really unlikely. Relationships aren't the same, and expecting the attractions to be the same is unrealistic and a recipe for failure.

You and she may or may not ever develop a deeper connection--that's just how relationships work. It could be time and schedule related, compatibility related, chemistry related...whatever. Relationships, regardless of sexual orientation, face the same challenges, and by adding more people, you add more challenges. And if you and hubby come only as a "package deal," then she's not very likely to be honest with you if she's not feeling it, since it means she'd get kicked to the curb. That's not a very emotionally safe position from which to express honest emotion.

IME, many people assume that become a woman is bi, she can/will/should experience "equal" feelings for both members of a couple. That isn't the case at all, just like you don't experience "equal" or "the same" feelings for your friends, family, etc.

NYCindie pointed you in a good direction. Read, educate yourself. In addition to the searches here she mentioned, read this as well: So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter.
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  #8  
Old 08-25-2016, 04:25 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Def read up on unicorn hunting, but I get the feeling this much more a problem of adapting to change. That's ok, and it can take years to really put all the concepts of polyamory into practice even if it's 'right' for them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyfitjt View Post
Not that I'm just overwhelmed and I would like them to just lighten up a little sometimes. I love them both and I know they both love me. Just like I said overwhelmed I guess
Would you try to clarify, what it is that you are overwhelmed by? It could help you to break it down to specific issues, which you can then voice to the two of them.
Write a list of what you feel.
I feel...
  • A little jealous of your connection
  • left out
  • loved/not loved, supported/not supported by husband/gf (?)
  • (...?)
I would like...
  • to spend more time with gf
  • to adjust schedules
  • my concernes to be heard and taken into accound (e.g. the wish to slow down ... in what, specifically?)
  • (...?)
You don't have to post it of course if you don't want to.

Does this article speak to you? (it is less about triads, but still...)
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell
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Last edited by Tinwen; 08-25-2016 at 04:28 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-25-2016, 05:58 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyfitjt View Post
I don't worry about my husband becoming more connected to her than me but sometimes I wonder at which point it levels off.
What do you mean by "levels off?"
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  #10  
Old 08-25-2016, 07:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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OP, you talk about "catching up," feeling like their bond is deeper, and wishing things between them would lighten up or level off because what they have overwhelms you. Your words convey a sense of competition on your part. Polyamory isn't a race or a contest. There is nothing to win or prove. It's about having more than one loving relationship, not about making sure everything is even-steven and equal. So what if their connection seems to you to be very deep, or deeper than what you have with her? Is what you have with her nice, satisfying, pleasant, easy? Focus on who is in front of you, not your thoughts about what it "should" be. Focus on the relating part of your relationships and see if you can catch yourself when you have thoughts that essentially boil down to "he's got his - when do I get mine?" And then remind yourself that it's not a race.
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"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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