Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-23-2013, 05:09 PM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpringtimeMama View Post
I've got two kids under 5. For now my husband and I trade off time taking care of the kids. My youngest still needs me at bedtime, so I don't leave the house until she's asleep, which still gives me a couple of hours to socialize. And every few weekends I take the kids out of the house for a few hours so he and his girlfriend (who also has kids) can have some time alone.

It works for us. And more importantly, it works for our kids.
That doesn't sound like a lot of time for anyone, and it also sounds like you are losing sleep.

As they get older and get more school activities, their bedtime will move up accordingly, and you will lose the evening hours. It sounds like it might be possible for you to blend your husband's GF with yours, but that doesn't help your loves.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 11-23-2013, 05:30 PM
SpringtimeMama SpringtimeMama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 13
Default

It doesn't give us a lot of time with other people, but it's what we can manage. Thank goodness for instant messaging! I am running a sleep deficit, but as a nursing mother that's so normal to me that I don't notice it much. I'm at home with the kids, so we all nap at nap time. In another year or so my youngest will wean and then some evenings I will not be home for bedtime, just as some nights my husband is out for meetings or events.

We take each day as it comes and renegotiate our availabilities as necessary. Thankfully our friends and loves have been understanding about it.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 11-23-2013, 11:20 PM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 99
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Relationship anarchy! I like that.

I'd been trying to come up with a term for this idea, myself.

I may step on some toes with this - apologies in advance! - but I've been thinking of drawing from a half-remembered second-hand knowledge of radical theories about identity by coining the term "relationship-queer".

The half-remembered bit - which I associate with the term "queer theory" - is that gender identity is a wide field between the poles of masculine and feminine, a field on which we can and should play freely.

I'm not gender-queer, myself, but maybe I'm relationship-queer. I've written about this elsewhere, but I imagine wide field (or space, or n-dimensional space) of possibilities . . . etc.

"Relationship anarchy" might accomplish the same thing, but maybe with overtones of danger . . .
Yeah, that makes sense. Just like queer theory says a person doesn't have to fit in the box of "male" or "female", relationship anarchy says a relationship doesn't have to fit in the rigid category of "just a friendship", "fwb", or "romantic relationship". I've also heard some people with unconventional relationship styles use "queer" to describe their relationships.

You may be interested in reading the wiki entry of relationship anarchy and the references.
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 11-24-2013, 03:26 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 166
Default

I have 2 kids under 10, and both my husband and I work full time and have some (non-relationship) activities outside of the house, so finding relationship time can be challenging. I don't think I could have managed poly when the kids were under 5 unless with someone I worked with. I was just too tired!

I manage it now, but not at all in the form that I initially expected, and the adjusting of expectations along the way was not always easy. Both my life and my boyfriend's are very home-centric; it is simply expected that kids/families will take priority and get the bulk of time. He and I manage to carve out a few hours each week, though. We have a pretty reliable routine for meeting after work. It's mostly just talking time - not that much by way of formal activities or intimate time. It has been frustrating at times to have such limited opportunities to share some of the normal aspects of life, but we value what we do have, and we're very close emotionally. Its very unusual for him; he's been far more prone to flings that end when the NRE wears off.

The anarchy idea is useful here - it's much easier to simply enjoy what we have if it's not always being judged against a particular model and found wanting.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 11-24-2013, 03:44 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Maybe I have an oversubscribed life; married with two kids under 8 and in school. We barely have time for each other after work, homework, and family time, sometimes.

Is it that the poly with kids actually share the kids and so the parents can take a break in order to strengthen their relationship? Not quite poly, but I have a sister in law who helps to watch the kids several times a month just so wife and I can have date nights, which makes it even harder to find time for other people, as well. My wife has considered a 'work-boyfriend' a possibility because then she would have an excuse to spend time with someone without losing time for the kids and me.

Me, I don't have a clue how I'll find time for anyone at all. How do you guys and girls manage?
I am married, co-parent 2 kids, have 1 kid on the way thats mine, and another that I will co-parent after as well. Include a gf and an over full time when I can be a bit of a workaholic.

We manage, we get each other time off per se. We just make it happen. We do co-parent so there is 4 of us managing the kids. That helps a lot. But we also prioritize life. Instead of just the daily grind.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 11-24-2013, 04:29 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 344
Default It's challenging but it does work

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Maybe I have an oversubscribed life; married with two kids under 8 and in school. We barely have time for each other after work, homework, and family time, sometimes.

Is it that the poly with kids actually share the kids and so the parents can take a break in order to strengthen their relationship? Not quite poly, but I have a sister in law who helps to watch the kids several times a month just so wife and I can have date nights, which makes it even harder to find time for other people, as well. My wife has considered a 'work-boyfriend' a possibility because then she would have an excuse to spend time with someone without losing time for the kids and me.

Me, I don't have a clue how I'll find time for anyone at all. How do you guys and girls manage?
Try scheduling and managing life with only one vehicle, complicated but it does work out. Husband and I started out that he gets 2 days with another and I get 2 days. Due to my not having another husband has been requesting extra time with girlfriend. I've said go for it but I now realize my 2 days, should stay mine whether I have a date or not. This way I don't get tied down at home all the time.

What helps for us is husband's weekends are Tues & Wed, mine are Sat & Sun. Both of us are at work before 8 am, work straight through, lunch at the end of the day so we're off work early.

As far as the kids, the teen takes up a lot of our early evening hours with soccer practice but another parent has offered to take her a few times as we always help out with her kid (that was an awesome offer without having to ask for it). But if our date is set for the evening we don't usually leave until after 7 or later. Yes that means we may not get much sleep that night but we find being with our others is well worth that loss.

Our oldest is 13 years older than the youngest and one in the middle. The age differences actually help us to have lives outside the family. Ideally we'd like to be family-oriented with other loved ones. We've told the oldest that we are poly because of this. So far so good.

If you meet someone and you want to spend time with them, you'll figure it out. We all do. Time management is hard but can be done. Now the husband works days rather than nights, he is getting more time with the kids, more time with me and now actually has time to date. Prior to Sept I had been a sahm for 8 months. I had too much time on my hands but was never able to really meet someone because husband worked nights (the one car issue). I guess when it was complicated and not much availability when we started has made now seem easier for us to figure out scheduling.

I could see an issue with time with others if your other is mono and not seeing anyone else. Then they could feel left out due to your obligations. A friend told me the other day, he's seeing a mono lady, next time if I date a single woman she must be poly. I think he feels that a poly person has more empathy to availability than one who isn't, in that time management doesn't become such a burden and others don't feel lost being alone.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 11-24-2013 at 04:34 PM. Reason: typos of course
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 11-24-2013, 05:35 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 166
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
But we also prioritize life. Instead of just the daily grind.
This is a very important point. I never get through everything on my to do list, but I make a much greater effort these days to find time for the things that make me happy.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 11-24-2013, 05:54 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 89
Default

I take the time now before I have children. By the time I get them, hopefully poly life will be established already People make different things their priorities, I will make poly life (and other life) mine. I want to live with both of my men in the same house or at least close by. As of now, I make what I can out of the long distance relationship, actually I think it would be easier should they both live with me because we could all have more "natural time" together. Anyway, other priorities are also important, I don't want to loose sight of friends or working out, I guess with kids you tend to do things a little differently but that also depends on where you live and how commuting is and so on.

I would never take my kids to soccer pracice, I would expect them to get to acticities on their own unless it was really far away. If they have started school, they are old enough to do many things by themselves. That being said, I could get a child who needed extra supervision, one never knows.

My husband currently has no other than me, but of course he has other things in his life; school, work, workout, friends, hobbies... He can take the time he needs for things he wants to do, from his spare time. I have to take of my time to be with my boyfriend. And we do have to have some time together. And time to do the housework...

Timewise, having a boyfriend is kind of like having a best friend that you just have to see all the time. I know people who talk to their best friend every day for hours. It is a little bit like that, plus taking off your clothes

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-24-2013 at 06:58 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-09-2013, 10:03 PM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

I guess with two kids I feel like I'm already in a poly relationship. I spend about as much time with my two children as I do my wife, and it feels like (at this point) trying to find time for someone else would then compete with either of them.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 12-10-2013, 04:19 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Well, I guess I gotta ask, why try then? Is having additional relationships important right now? It would be one thing if you'd already fallen for someone and were trying to make it work, but if your life is already full, why seek to add to it? You can be poly in spirit -- not restricting of each other's ability to love others -- without seeking to do anything about it in practice.

Also, I just noticed that this thread is tagged "working mother" but not "working father", just sayin'.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
scheduling, time management, work, working father, working mother

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:09 PM.