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  #31  
Old 11-17-2013, 06:52 PM
london london is offline
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She isn't your girlfriend, it isn't your relationship, so you need to butt out. The issues you have with sex are your issues and if you weren't so controlling, the sex your husband had within a polyamorous relationship wouldn't affect how you feel about him. What he does when he is away from you is none of your business because you don't own him. You own you. You have the sex that makes you happy and let other people find their own way.

As the majority of us stated, our boundaries do not seek to control what our partner does but what we do in response to their actions. You will not find validation for your actions from me. You are wrong and acting unreasonably and I hope your husband realises that soon and stops your controlling behaviour messing up his life.
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  #32  
Old 11-17-2013, 06:59 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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You have the right to have boundaries (how you want to be treated). Your partners have a responsibility to respect your boundaries. You have a right to enforce your boundaries if they don't respect them.

You do not have the right to make rules for your partners' behaviour. You have a responsibility to respect your partners' autonomy. You don't have the right to tell your husband's girlfriend how she has to treat him.

You have the right to ask your partner to agree to things. They have the right not to agree. You have the responsibility to respect their refusal. You do not have the right to deliberately and manipulatively coerce them into agreeing under the threat of something terrible.

I agree with all of this. Honestly, this IS what we did...I told him the parties make me uncomfortable. He agreed not to go. After much thought, he also said HE didn't like them. A lot of the issue is how my husband relates to people. He really wants to make others happy so does what THEY want over what HE wants. I guess that's were the anger (misplaced?) comes in at her. He already told her he didn't want to go, but she keeps asking. She says it's a crucial part of her life and sort of "threatened" to get someone else to go.

THE GF says she really wants a husband and possibly a kid. I don't see how that is going to happen on this route- but again, not my business.

I have to let my anger at her go. My husband is being weak. She doesn't respect a boundary HE asked for, and He doesn't stand up to her when she does that.

Although I am fucking miserable, maybe there is a good side to all of this...it came out last night that my husband had had a somewhat destruction sexual relationship as a child. Both my husband and his girlfriend are really opening up and talking with me and between themselves. I feel like this poly thing is making us all grow. But that growing is excruciating. I know why people stay mono. For me, poly makes me face my abadonment, jealousy and sexuality head-on full force.
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  #33  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:01 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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I agree with London.

Guess what your husband probably wanted to go to the sex party and knew that due to your issues you would over react.

Oh btw I am very vanilla sexually. BDSM makes me uncomfortable. But I WOULD NEVER EVER tell Butch he could not meet that need elsewhere because I have some major issues with it. Guess what I deal with my feelings and do not take them out on him.
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  #34  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:11 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree with London.

Guess what your husband probably wanted to go to the sex party and knew that due to your issues you would over react.

Oh btw I am very vanilla sexually. BDSM makes me uncomfortable. But I WOULD NEVER EVER tell Butch he could not meet that need elsewhere because I have some major issues with it. Guess what I deal with my feelings and do not take them out on him.
And if Butch expected you to participate in BDSM with him, what would your reaction be then and why?
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  #35  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:14 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default london

But both of you ignored my posted where people on here have been validated and accepted for asking to meet potenials...and that is not controlling?

1. One you are ignoring the fact that he agreed to it.! He could have said no.
2. YEA. I totally agree, I have control issues. I am controlling. That is something to be aware of, but doesn't make me a bad person or warrented of being put down. People here have all kinds of nerousis and jealousies and predjucies. It is called being human.

3. London, I have two questions and they aren't fighting. I really want to know. So you have a primary partner who dates others and have no qualificatios on who they date and where they go? Do you also observe this is other aspects? like money or time? Do you have kids, and if you don't would kids affect those feelings at all?

OK, say, I try to take your advice. How? Do we establish a no-ask, no-tell policy? Do I stay out of any relationship with her because I don't want to hear about sex parties?

Is that the best way to control MYSELF, NOT HIM. I control myself, but not asking him what he's doing. I control myself by not having a relationship with wsomeone I don't like and don't want around my kids?

Actually this sounds better. London, you may be right. Also, how do I deal with the feelings of he is out/don't know where he is...what do I do with that anxiety? Do I Just repress it?

For God's sake, take it easy on me! This so outside the average! All my friends know where their husbands are all the time!
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  #36  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:22 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Sorry

The beginning of the post was bitchy... but I do want advice of how to do it?

D- I would be really interested in your answer about BUTCH too. It would help me figure out my own feelings. I don't know where feelings come from, they are so illogical!

D- I for example, have no issue with husband going to public BDSM parites with no sex. I find that culture somehow more 'innocent" than sex parties or orgies. I don't know why! It doesn't make any sense.

I guess it can only derive from individual experience. The BDSM people I have met have been so begnin and loving and goofy. As far as public sex, my experience with that is seeing my mom fuck her boyfriend and my best gay friend brutally describing meth parties with 50 guys fucking him.. .which ended with him in the hospital.

I thik it is crucial to make the difference betewwn rational mind and emotional mind. Rationally, I know no one at GF are having meth orgies, but emotionally they ARE for me...and the emotional mind is much stronger.
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  #37  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:23 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I guess I fail to see how him going to sex parties affects you. Now if the issues was about him wearing protection while he was at the parties I would understand that but forbidding him from doing something while on his dates that doesn't affect you I just don't understand.
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  #38  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:26 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
And if Butch expected you to participate in BDSM with him, what would your reaction be then and why?
If you do a thread search for threads I have started the detailed answer is there.

The short answer is I tried to find a happy middle ground that both of us were comfortable with. Butch can not operate within my comfort zone without pushing for more. So i said no more you either find another outlet that doesn't involve me or we divorce and we go our separate ways. I do not have an issue with him finding play partners. He has since gotten active in the local Bdsm community.
__________________
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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  #39  
Old 11-17-2013, 08:01 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default What Happened

How do they effect me? That is an excellent question.

It affects me emotionally. I have (a perhaps unfair) IDEA of what they are like from my experience with my friend's gay meth scene. Him going to these parties worries me that he is not the person I thoguh he was...we are not a right match...and I don't want that kind of lifestyle.

I think of my children. Would I want my children going to sex parties? No, I would want them to have intimate sacred healthy sexual relationships.

I guess the bottom line fear is that he is more like GF than me and he will leave me for her because their sexual needs are different. My idea of a "hot" time is an intense conversation over a beer holding hands. Neither of them are interested in (or that capable of) intense conversation. To my mind, they get intamacy and connection through fucking and that is something I just don't understand.

I guess 1. fear he'll leave me
2. trauma and thinking sex parities are gross.
3. Particpating inb something I won't want for me kid.

The thing isn't RATIONAL it's emotional. Any advice getting past that would help.
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  #40  
Old 11-17-2013, 08:17 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default & what do you deal with your kids?

If you are a regular part of the BDSM or go to sex parties or fuck many parters...how do you translate to your kids? Will you tell them at a certain age? Would you feel comfortable with them doing the same and say it's ok whatever they decide?
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