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  #11  
Old 11-17-2013, 02:17 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
Also, the primary issue is WE made an agreemnt, they both disrespected it. I feel worthless.
Your agreements are with him, not with her. If he's not sticking with them then yes, it's a problem. You need to remember though that it's a problem you have with him, not a problem you have with her. Don't try to fix it by trying to change their relationship (ie being controlling), fix it by working on your own relationship with him and making sure he sticks to what he says (ie expecting him to act like an adult).

Again, it's up to him to make sure he sticks to your agreements while he's with his girlfriend. It's not up to you to make sure she sticks to them for him.
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  #12  
Old 11-17-2013, 02:41 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Butch and Murf sound like two equal relationships...so you don't agree with boundaries, fluid-bonding, and other such stuff for secondary relationships? I liken going sex parties to this.
Yes I have 2 equal relationships. I have since day one. I do not treat others like second class. The only people whose needs come above all others are my minor children.

The only boundaries I enforce are ones over myself. I have been fluid bonded with both men since May of 2012. My body my decision. I kept Butch informed of my decisions and allowed him to make his own choice.

.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #13  
Old 11-17-2013, 02:52 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Be careful not to use the word "boundaries" to thinly veil what are actually "rules."

Boundaries are only about you and how people treat you. Lying to your husband and tricking him into going to a sex party is not a violation of your boundaries. They may be a violation of his, but then send him here to get advice about how to deal with his girlfriend. It's not your place.

If your husband agreed not go to sex parties, and then he was tricked into going to a sex party, then it's his responsibility to say "You tricked me, this is a sex party, I'm going home." Problem solved. If he didn't leave, then your problem is with him breaking the agreement, not his girlfriend lying to him.

Asking your partner not to do certain behaviours when they're not around you has nothing to do with primary privileges or boundaries. It's about control. There are exceptions where those behaviours pose a risk to your personal health and safety, such as unprotected sex or problem gambling. But just going to a sex party does not put your personal safety at risk.

That being said, some partners choose to give control over certain aspects of their life by making agreements to things that they may not be thrilled about. My husband has agreed not to use his credit card for anything but hotels when he's working out of town. He doesn't like it, but he agreed because he acknowledges that I know more about managing money that he does, and my track record with the savings account speaks for itself.

We don't need to be enthusiastic about the activities our partners pursue in their own free time. I don't need to love the fact that my husband gets drunk with his coworkers to unwind and male-bond after a week's worth of 16 hour work shifts. But he's an adult and he gets to make his own choices and be responsible for his own behaviour. I respect his autonomy and I trust him not to make poor decisions. If you don't feel the same way about your own husband, then why are you with him?

Regarding #4, that's completely her right. She's not dating you and she's not parenting your kids. She has no obligation to any of you. If she just wants time with your husband and not the rest of the package, and he's happy to have it that way, then you need to accept that. If she only sees him once a week, why do you need to phone him during that time? Real emergencies aside, surely it can wait until he gets home?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-17-2013 at 02:57 AM.
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  #14  
Old 11-17-2013, 03:48 AM
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First, let me say scheduling your husband to go to a sex party when she knew of your agreement with your husband was not cool, and your husband should have a bone to pick with her.

However...

Controlling someone else's behavior to sooth one's insecurities is like putting a compound fracture in a sling and calling it good. It may make it feel better, but you'll never be able to experience full use.

If you reread your post and change "people who go to sex parties" to "black people" or "gay people" or "people with red hair" or "people with blue eyes", is this still an acceptable prejudice?

Is it acceptable for you to say you don't want men who have sex with men around your children? I understand you have had bad experiences in the past, but to pass judgement on any group of people based on what someone else has done is just plain wrong.

And to build that prejudice as a condition for someone to be in a relationship with you is wrong too.
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  #15  
Old 11-17-2013, 04:20 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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I think comparing people who go to sex parties to black and gay people is a damn tall order LOL. And one that most of the population couldn't fufill!

It's not a moral issue - like they are going to hell! or some shit - as a vicersal, emotional one. For example, I wouldn't want my kids growing up going to sex parties. I just don't think it's a skillful way to relate to people. ONLY my opinion.

Unfortuately, my experiences are not just "a few bad ones." Everyone in my life since childhood has had negative sexual issues - which vary from being left alone at age 8 in the living room while mom fucked boyfriend to one friend dying of HIV and another being a sex/method addict. Unfortunately, these things stay in your body.

I couldn't have an orgasm til over 40!

I WANT to be sex positive. I want to be open. If anyone has any ideas of how to feel that way in light of being taught the opposite since early age - please share them! How do I begin to heal from all this negativity ?
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  #16  
Old 11-17-2013, 06:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Therapy. You won't get there without it. All the self-help books, support from friends, or random advice from strangers on the internet won't help without therapy. If you have a bad history with sex, then you absolutely need professional help to explore the issues that are specific to your own life.

Anything short of therapy will be "most common problems" or "best guess" or "one size fits all" advice. Only a therapist can help you get to the core of what's specifically bothering you and show you how to deal with your own personal demons.

Preferably one who specializes in sexual trauma.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #17  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:00 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
The only boundaries I enforce are ones over myself. I have been fluid bonded with both men since May of 2012. My body my decision. I kept Butch informed of my decisions and allowed him to make his own choice.

.
Actually...this is not the best example of that we all make individual decitions. Fluent bonding boundries is THE example of how what another person do, directly affect YOU (and others in the chain), hence ultimately the choices made a joint enterprise. If your fluent bonding partner should fuck someone else without protection (and not telling) and bring home STD's, you can get them, even HIV. They can make someone pregnant, bringing a child into your life. The Bible talks about being one flesh. As fluent-bondedness go, that is close to the medical truth...
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  #18  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:04 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Why would you expect someone who doesn't think to tell you they've had unprotected sex to follow a rule telling them not to?

Edit: Perhaps you've misunderstood Dagferi to mean that she doesn't care if her partners have unprotected sex without telling her. I'd suggest her meaning is more along the lines that (short of following them 24 hours a day) she can't stop anyone from doing anything with anyone else, but she can stop them doing it with her. Therefore, if her partner chooses to have unprotected sex elsewhere they are also choosing to stop having it with her.

Last edited by Emm; 11-17-2013 at 07:09 AM.
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  #19  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:18 AM
london london is offline
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From page 1.

What your husband does with how girlfriend isn't your business. What you said about STDs has no relevance to this issue whatsoever. Wear condoms with other people is a reasonable rule, not don't go where I don't want you to. He's an idiot for agreeing, but I know that people who are consistently were down by controlling and possessive partners end up agreeing to do things that they have no intention of sticking to just to shut them up. Let them do what they want to do, you let your morals and sex negativity dictate your sex life, not impede on anyone else's.
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  #20  
Old 11-17-2013, 07:31 AM
london london is offline
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From Page 2

You have multiple psychological issues surrounding sex and it isn't fair to project your issues onto innocent people. You get your head sorted out in therapy and leave them be. Stop pressuring your husbands girlfriend to be part of your family life. She isn't interested in that. Back off.

Spend time with sex positive people and stop using examples of drug addicts to equate with the bad things that happen with sex. If I told you how many men I've had sex with, you would shudder. But I use condoms with partners who are not regulars and have monthly screens for STDs. Never had an STD. Not even BV.

So go to your husband and his girlfriend, tell them that you realise you have no business controlling what they do in their time together. You realise that you have a unreasonable and irrational view of sex and you're working on it but in The meantime, you'll leave them to have the relationship they want to without your influence. Ask that your husband uses condoms with other people and reassure his girlfriend that as long as you can be civil, you'll stop pressuring her to involve herself with your family.
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