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  #131  
Old 11-20-2013, 09:04 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
That's not what my therapist said - He's a Buddhist and he said, if you aren't willing to walk up to someone and tell them what you are doing, you probably shouldn't be doing it. There are many reasons to disagree with this...
There sure are. Shame could be one reason, but there are other reasons, many related to earning a living, or live and let live, or having very conservative family that you don't want to alienate. Telling people about my sexual ID and practices is just TMI to more than my closest friends. Who I am fucking, how and why? My bosses don't need to know that, they just need to know I am doing my job competently, and then pay me for doing so. My mailman doesnt need to know how many orgasms I had last night! lol
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  #132  
Old 11-20-2013, 09:24 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I'm envious! I wish I had more orgasms! I should take some lessons from you! LOL

I understand you not wanting to alienate your family and I respect that. But, don't you think if you COULD do it some day - it might work toward making your family more accepting of say, gay marriage, or not hate on bi people less, say.

My openness with my mother about my gay boyfriends and poly lifestyle has helped her (a staunch Catholic) open up her prejudices. And that, to me, has helped one less instance of prejudice.

Of course, my mother would not disown me under any circumstances, so I can understand why that might be more challenging for another person who would be disowned.

This is a huge argument I have with disabled people who don't disclose. They feel I have no 'right" to ask them to make the job search harder for them and they are correct. But my feeling is that people realized HOW MANY disabled people there are and HOW capable they are, it would be mainstreamed and easier for all of us.
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  #133  
Old 11-20-2013, 09:45 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm envious! I wish I had more orgasms! I should take some lessons from you! LOL

I understand you not wanting to alienate your family and I respect that. But, don't you think if you COULD do it some day - it might work toward making your family more accepting of say, gay marriage, or not hate on bi people less, say.
I was speaking generally. My mom, who is now dead, was very liberal, but I don't think I ever came out and told her I am bi, because I was married to a man and mono for over 30 years. She died before my ex and I separated. My dad wouldnt give a shit. I've visited him with my gf. Even though I have told him many things that indicate she is my partner, not a platonic roommate, he doesnt seem to get it. But other than screaming into his face,"Dad, miss pixi and I are LOVERS, we HAVE SEX!" it's just not going to sink in. My sister is liberal, she knows I am poly, bi and kinky. I don't tell her details because she is mono, straight, vanilla and nearly asexual.

Otherwise, all I've got is one aunt, who is conservative, but I have never been close with her. She knows I divorced and am now living with a woman, but she doesnt pry... we would never discuss sex (sexual ID or preferences or non-monogamy or, god forbid, kink) when we have our bimonthly phonecalls. It's just not something I need to bother her with. She can come to terms with gays at her own pace. I mean, she was a gym teacher and never got married ( to a man) and left her parents' home til she was 40. I feel no urge to "open her mind." She's 75. Let her be.
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This is a huge argument I have with disabled people who don't disclose. They feel I have no 'right" to ask them to make the job search harder for them and they are correct. But my feeling is that people realized HOW MANY disabled people there are and HOW capable they are, it would be mainstreamed and easier for all of us.
BTW, my gf is transgender and handicapped, so I've heard the argument that she is OK the way she is, it's just that society isn't set up to make things easier for her to function.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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  #134  
Old 11-22-2013, 12:59 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Just got the record, I'm not willing to walk up to a perfect stranger and discuss my bowel movements. I don't think that means I should become anal retentive. Sex is no less natural than poop.

I've often heard that you should not discuss the following topics in mixed company: politics, religion, sex, and operating systems. None of those are anything to be ashamed of, but all of them have the potential of offending people you don't know well.

The main reason I wouldn't tell a stranger about my sex life isn't that I think it's shameful, it's that I respect personal boundaries. Unless someone invites me to discuss my sexuality, I'm going to assume they don't want to know. If I'm invited, then I have no qualms telling anyone about anything that I do. Indeed, I welcome the opportunity for education and enlightenment.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-22-2013 at 01:05 AM.
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  #135  
Old 11-22-2013, 01:40 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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When you compare it to bowel movements...do you mean what you do in bed? Or orienation? Do you mean you don't tell people you are poly or bisexual?

I'm confused... you mean the former, right?

If not, how do you relate this to people who are gay and "in the closet?"
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  #136  
Old 11-22-2013, 01:43 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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I'm not understanding the distinction here: there is actual SEX - i.e. I love giving head.

Or orientation - I am straight, bi, poly, trans, gay, asexual, whatever... I feel that I don't disclose these, I am hiding a large part of who I am from people who love me. I am also setting back a movement for those who have been brave enough to be open and, in some cases, died or gone to jail for it.
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  #137  
Old 11-22-2013, 01:49 AM
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Lots of people don't count their sexual orientation as a major part of their identity. Haven't you ever met a gay person who is just gay? Nothing else to them? It's boring.

But of course, you'd want to share things that are important to you with people who are important to you. There's a difference between telling your mum that you have same sex relationships and telling her graphic details of how you express your homosexuality. So I could tell my mum I'm a bit kinky, might even tell her I'm submissive, I wouldn't tell her that my Daddy ties me up and buggers me.
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  #138  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:04 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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London,

I'm still not quite getting it. So, you are OK with people not being 'out" (if they are gay) at work or to their families, or even neighbors.

I could understand not being "out" as poly. I still think it's not ideal that my husband and GF aren't out to their families. I think it's hiding and lying about a big part of their lives.

But for all the men (and women) who have died or lost their jobs or kids for coming out as gay, I don't have much tolerance for gay people in the closet...sorry. But, I've expressed this before about disability. I think it's human nature to put our own comfort over changing society.
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  #139  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:08 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Lots of people don't count their sexual orientation as a major part of their identity. Haven't you ever met a gay person who is just gay? Nothing else to them? It's boring.
Actually, NO, I haven't met a gay (man) person who didn't consider their sexual orientation as PART of their identity...don't know about the word "major."

Have you? Unfortunately, there's probably not one gay man on this list or we could ask him!
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  #140  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:17 AM
london london is offline
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Most of the gay people I know don't think their homosexuality is a major or defining part of their persona. And just because you aren't "out" to certain people, it doesn't mean you are closeted. It just means you haven't shared that information with certain people because it would upset them and destroy your relationship and them knowing who you fuck really isn't that vital, or you prefer to keep a professional relationship with colleagues and your sexuality is irrelevant to professional relationships, or a variety of other reasons.
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