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  #101  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:02 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Firstly, you are confusing the idea of having a primary style relationship (legal commitment, shared finances, kids etc) with some sort of increased ownership over the other person. I absolutely am seeking a primary style relationship, it's just that my general ethos and boundaries will barely change when I do. I wont suddenly start feeling as if my partner needs to have the same sex as me, I won't need to control how he interacts with others and I won't feel personally aggrieved if he makes different choices to me. It will all stay the same in that respect. Marriage in a polyamorous relationship doesn't have to change those things. Not having rules to protect your relationship doesn't mean that relationship isn't serious.

The idea that your partner is an extension of yourself is a mindset that lots of people simply have.
It is not uncommon for primary style relationships to have boundries. I don't mean that less rules means less serious. Perhaps polyfidility is a better description of our poly style.

In our local poly group we are mainstream. I once had a complaint, and that was a guy from another city who were opposed to polys wearing wedding rings (I never really got to the bottom of his mindset... I think keeping my marriage a secret would complicate things). I think me and my husband give eachother lots of freedom, one lover even asked if me and my husband lived seperate lives! I think the rules of our household are mosly visable to just the two of us, we never say "My wife told me not to do it", we just live by them.
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  #102  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
He doesn't want to go to sex parties or conventions on a regular basis.
If HE doesn't want to go, then HE needs to man up and communicate his desires to her. You do have the right to express your worries, concerns and fears, but be specific.

As far as politics, I have family that is die hard one affiliation and friends that are polar opposites end. There are a great many subjects that I agree to disagree with in both groups only occasionally do things get heated. However, no one I know goes to rallys or conventions even once every 5 years (or ever) much less every weekend.

Dagferi, don't be offended, if I read this right, this was a subject that specifically applied to her husband and his views.
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  #103  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:17 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
@NorwegianPoly - or at least I think you were the one who commented about this, it's interesting to me how BDSM communities differ. My local community is one where sexual activity is commonplace, where sex and kink are not particularly separate. For me personally, they are strongly intertwined. In fact, people in my community who do separate kink and sex - which is also totally legitimate - are unhappy with the public play spaces available because sex is so ever present. I have difficulty thinking of BDSM parties as sex free because that has not been my experience. Interesting!
I am not saying sex does not take place (it does) but it is mostly low key and not displayed. Like you would never se penetration or sex toys. I think for most sex and kink are intertwined in their general experience, but there is still a little curtesey connected to keeping the overtly sexual part downplayed. Groups in other cities do it differently.
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  #104  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:32 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default I've decided

What I have decided to do it butt out. I plan to tell them that what they do is none of my business and I do not want to know. I also plan to tell her that I only want to be causual friends.

This is a huge step for me in many ways. It means not winning a battle. It means not controlling people out of fear. It means trusting my husband completely.

WhatToDo - My friend in Seatle used to get together with his boyfriend and invite 15-20 guys over. They would take meth and have a couple orgies which sometimes went on for two days. The did this every weekend for years, which culminated in my friend in the hospital. Often the events were taped for pornography. Sometimes they used protection - often they did not. Many many gay men do not behave like this - but it is my understanding that it is a problem in the "community" in New York, for example, they have an anti-meth advertising campaign.

I have said before I am not sex-postive...I am on the track to healing but not there yet. I have no experiences (maybe with the exception the movie short bus) that protray sex parties as wholesome, innocent, and healthy. I know they probably exist. I just haven't had that experience yet..


D- I did not mean to insult you. What I meant is we all have prejudices and want to be around people who are "like" us. I, for example, do not want to associate with people who are ableist or hate children or, yes, make sex parties a big part of their lives. This doesn't mean I should hate on them. I will come across people unlike me and I have to struggle to accept their views - even if in cases of ableism, racism, or anti-transgender, their views might repel me.

LONDON: You know what? You are right. As long as I keep mistrusting my husband and trying to run his relationship, I'm just being unhappy and selfish (out of fear). AND most importantly it takes the pressure off both husband and GF to be responsible for their own decisions and relationship. i.e he can NOT WANT TO GO and SAY ...wife doesn't want...NOT HE DOES WANT.

Thank you for all your help.

Again if anyone wants to take about positive experiences with sex parties or how you healed from friends experiences on the meth scene...I'd be happy
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  #105  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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FYI-
Personally-I would find it much more meaningful if you had returned honestly, without trying to hide who you are.
By returning under a new user name, without referencing the prior time you were here, it appears manipulative.
Manipulative behavior tends to beget more manipulative behavior.
Furthermore-it shows a complete disrespect for the person(s) you attempt to manipulate.

I recognized the story line due to the "friend who died of HIV" comment. Because I commented in your original thread-that I also have a friend who died of AIDS.

Because of your choice to be manipulative and sneaky here; I tend to think that you are probably being manipulative and sneaky in your efforts to micromanage the poly dynamic you are in.
And on that note-I can't give any further advice. But-the advice I gave in the original thread and earlier in this thread still stands AND IT DOES address your questions on what you "should" do.
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  #106  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:54 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default I understand

I understand where you are coming from however, I had absolutely no intension of being manupulative, nor do I know how I was.

I chose a new name because I felt attacked before. Due to this attack and my unkind behavior in reaction, my self-defensivenss and anger- I chose to be anonymous (or tried to). You can believe me or not, but it was truly an attempt to relate to this list as a better person.

I also felt attacked for being a person with a disability who does not see disability as a tragedy or weakness, but rather a minority to be respected as other minorities.

I would like you to also know that ONE OF THE MODERATORS ACTUALLY SUGGESTED CREATING AN NEW ACCOUNT. i don't know if that was a PM, but you may be able to find it in the conversations.

I find the list contradictory to some degree. I am being jumped all over for being a cad, when, if you look at the other post (can't remember exact name) on how rules should be "punished" people are very tolerate of THOSE RULES AND THAT PERSON.

I understand why you feel manipulated, but that was absolutely not my intent and I am surprised that when I actually worth something through, and really try to listen and take people's advice, congradualtions and thank yous don't come rolling it. Rather, people look for new ways to put you down.

LR- you DID help me...if you really think I'm lying about my realizations, I would be more than happy to PM you the emails I sent husband and girlfriend.

I made huge huge strides, But maybe the furthest stride in that will be not needing congratulations and knowing and explaining MY INTENSIONS and accepting that some people will find me an asshole, no matter what.
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  #107  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:59 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Enjoy playing the martyr much?

No one has mentioned your disability except you several times.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #108  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:01 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Lying-no.
And as for other mods-I wasn't speaking as a mod, I was speaking as myself (If I am speaking as a mod, I will say so, because I always appreciate it when other do).

I don't think you were lying.
I do think it was manipulative.

The specific issues you are facing are also issues that pertain to being manipulative.
I did address them-with heartfelt suggestions.
But-I think it's important for YOU to understand;
the effort to be anonymous-WAS manipulative.

I have been outright attacked on this board over the last 4 years. I know what it feels like.
But-part of being honest and open is being vulnerable. It means saying "I felt attacked and I'm still struggling and not understanding and need help".
Versus hiding behind a new screen name so that you can repeat the same story and hope for a different outcome.

Long story short-the base advice-was the same both times. BEFORE anyone commented on the connection we made.
SO I would suggest considering the fact that the opinion didn't change just because your username did. Which suggests that the solution hasn't changed either.

You can only control YOURSELF.
Stop trying to control him (or her).
If you can't stomach sex with him if he's participating in sex parties-stop having sex with him.
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  #109  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:02 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Honestly

She doth protest too much!

But I just wanted/needed advice and thought I aleinated people before and want to relate better. I guess the iDEAL would have been to come on, acknowledge my past mistakes and apologize. Thank you for making me aware of that and you are correct, that would have been better.

Last edited by bofish; 11-20-2013 at 03:29 AM.
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  #110  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:08 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Once again

Why was it manipulative? Because i was hoping for a different answer? Fair enough. Again, I appreciated your love and advice. I still do.

I DID DO IT. I know it's hard for you to believr. It's fucking hard for me to believe.

ahhh shit: why hide now?

Here's the emall!

I am sorry this all got so messy.

For my part, I have decided not to request that *** modify his behavior. I feel that I have overstepped my boundaries and that the relationship between you two should be just that, without my interference. I just don't want to know anymore.

These parties bring up issues for me. I am acting out of the fear that *** will "end up like ****" or end up being someone I can't be with if I don't "control" him. That is not trust. I have to learn to trust him.

At the stage of my sexual development (which right now is about age 18!) I am not in a place where I can go to or discuss the events. This may change. It may not. I'm a very changeable person so I might be open to learning more about it in the future. Or I may not.

I don't think my behavior is about morality. I think it's about fear.

Also, I would only like for the three us of to get together very periodically, for now. It's all I have to give at this moment, again it could change. Therefore, I can't make it Saturday.
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