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  #11  
Old 08-17-2009, 06:20 AM
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I think perhaps part of the problem is that this went very fast. There was no chance to actually get through new relationship energy (NRE) and see after throwing the cards up that they fall in a good place for you all. If you three don't start talking about the hard stuff I fear it will blow up in your face.

It's never a good idea to move in together so fast in my opinion. A good year is best. There is far too much to work out without the load of day to day household stuff, privacy, and division of finances and labour. There is enough to do to deal with emotions, dynamics and getting to know each other.

I think she should move out and you should work out a schedule of dating and communicating together. It sounds like going back, but I really think if you are going to make a pyramid you need a good foundation for it to reach the sky. In other words you have a rickety relationship that will collapse on you all if you don't work on real issues.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-18-2009 at 01:13 AM.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2009, 03:13 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Default communication & other stuff

Thanks for the warm welcome...

I am a talker. I talk through ideas and feelings to sort them out. When I've figured out what I need, I can talk to the two of them easily and openly. It gets stickier when I use them as a sounding board for my insecurities, and I don't have any actual actionable information for them.

Obviously, adding a third changes the dynamic for the original two. I'm sure I don't need to say that, but it's something my husband and I are still adjusting to, and there are times when he gets defensive and it's hard for him because he thinks he's hurting me. He has had no jealousy and no insecurities (regarding me w/her - he's had some with just her), so he has a hard time understanding some of what I've dealt with.

Redpepper, her moving out is not an option. She was 1,000 miles away and knows few people here. While I understand where you are coming from, I also disagree on some points. In a long distance relationship, it is much easier to ignore someone's flaws, and much easier for someone to hide their flaws. This was going to be long distance until it wasn't... she had to move, we decided to jump.

There are issues she has that we probably wouldn't have been able to see until she moved in, and I honestly think it would've been worse to go a year without knowing what we were dealing with... she has never really had a good relationship, and she has some communication issues. Also, she sees how he and I communicate (delicate triad subjects aside - we're still learning those), and expects to be at the same standard. We keep telling her we didn't get here overnight. We've been involved for ten and a half years, and our first year we spent more time breaking up than staying together... but since that first year, we've lived together, and grown together. We were only 23 when we first met... we've shared a lot of experiences and time together, and so of course, we have this bond and this communication that's developed over that time period.

I am definitely the most open communicator... the trouble is, sometimes I am too open. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it goes back to what I said about insecurities and actionable information. I have facilitated conversations starting between the two of them many times... and he's worked to do that for she and I, when it's been needed. So, it's not that there isn't communication... it's just that there are times when I need to vent or sound off or whatever, and it's not necessarily fair or appropriate to do that with either of them.

They don't always like it, but I talk when I have something I have to say. Sometimes, I turn to email because it's easier to get my points out without getting sidetracked. Sometimes, we all talk together... sometimes I talk to them individually. Depends on the matter at hand... but the point is, there IS communication. We're still learning how to work with her issues, and she's come a long way in not a lot of time. He and I are learning to communicate about things we never in a million years imagined we'd be talking about... so that's a bit delicate and tricky at times, but we've been together so long, and even when things get heated, we usually don't take long to understand what the other is saying, even if we can't necessarily understand the feelings behind that.

Sooo... hopefully I've explained myself a bit better, but the bottom line is, don't worry. I talk when I need to... and I'm pretty good at telling when one of them needs to, also.
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  #13  
Old 08-17-2009, 03:17 PM
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Welcome to the forum
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2009, 06:41 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi, Kari, Welcome to the Forum.

I have no advice whatsoever to add, as I am more or less completely befuddled where poly is concerned. Just wanted to say Hi! and Welcome! :-)
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  #15  
Old 08-17-2009, 06:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Hi, Kari, Welcome to the Forum.

as I am more or less completely befuddled where poly is concerned. :-)
Join the club LOL!
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  #16  
Old 08-17-2009, 09:46 PM
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It sounds like things are humming along then. That is awesome. However, for the benefit of those tuning in for the first time. I would not advise moving someone in from 1000 miles away that you've met on-line! I'm glad its working for you but really, if it were me and if I wanted it to last I would have them move into their own place and get to know me from a closer distance. I would expect them to find their own friends, job, and life outside of me, because that to me is healthy and a sign of taking responsibility for oneself. I would be very wary of caretaking them and being all they have. A position that I have known to build co-dependance and recentment for all concerned. I don't mind being someones favorite person to hang with, but do like to know they have a support network and can look after themselves.


Anyway, welcome to the forum it doesn't sound like you have any pressing issues... Hope it stays that way and you find what you need.
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  #17  
Old 08-18-2009, 07:08 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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TY redpepper...

Really, the "issues" I have are all in my head... which is why I'm here. Sometimes I need someone to say, "hey, stop being stupid and paranoid."

LOL.
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  #18  
Old 08-18-2009, 08:20 PM
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Oh i don't know if I would stop being paranoid... for me that is a gut response that is telling me something. I don't feel paranoid in my "V" (perhaps this is naive?) at least of late anyway, because I know that everyone is being radically honest and communicating really hard stuff the moment it comes up. Every time I have been paranoid it has been for a good reason and I have had to face up to something really difficult. Not just in my "V" in life also. No, you could drop the stupid, but keep the paranoid and try and get to the bottom of why. Once there, do something about it... cause it doesn't get better with time, just worse and more messy. At least that has been what I have experienced.
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  #19  
Old 08-19-2009, 03:36 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Oh, there's something to face up to... but it's not them. It's me. The paranoia is seeped in my own insecurities, and they can't resolve those for me.

In fact, in some ways I think she'll be a fabulous addition for me because this brings those matters to the forefront and I have to deal with them, as opposed to them being there, but not actively dealt with at all.
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  #20  
Old 08-19-2009, 02:15 PM
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What are you insecure and paranoid about?
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