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  #11  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:38 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
What is my responsibilty when she complains that she wants her own partner?
That is her problem, not yours.

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Would it be best to just focus on my own relationships and stay completely out of theirs? Is that being supportive enough of him when he talks about it?
Yes, don't get involved in their issues. You can be supportive by offering him an ear but don't try to 'solve' his problem and don't slate her if he is whining, just tell him to talk it out with her'.

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Any hints regarding not feeling abandoned on the one night?
Do what YOU want to do when he isn't there, watch that movie he hates, talk to a girlfriend for two hours on the phone, go online and read and write about poly, join OK Cupid and chat to men, clean your toe nails, pluck your eyebrows, surely there is something you can do that doesn't include him?
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Finally, has anyone experienced financial jealousy. How did you deal with it?
You get over it, there are plenty of people out there more poor than you are, feel grateful that you have the money for the internet, a roof over your head, clean water and children that I can imagine are not starving.

The best way to get over your envy is to realise there are people out there who would kill to have the life you have.
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  #12  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:41 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default expectations

The expectations are pretty simple. They expect to spend the night together once a week and spend the weekend together every so often.

She comes over occasionally for drinks. On these occasions she complains that she is not married and doesn't have a child. I am empathetic and listen.

He complains that his life is too fragmented. He, mostly, wanted her to spend time with us as a group to make his life easier. Sometimes he doesn't feel embrassed as a whole because "we" are part of that whole...but overall, I guess her needs are minimal and I'm lucky. Ironically, when I had lovers, I wanted them totally separate from my family. But they were always long-distance or problematic, so it was never every week.

Still, no one has mentioned the money. Does everyone belong to the same financial status? Or is this just something you don't discuss? Too bad she can't pay for the babysitter! LOL

I guess my husband & I were both hoping that she would hang out with our family more, and eventually live in the same building (probably with them in one apartment or him going back and forth). But I guess that's uncommon.
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  #13  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:51 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Good Advice.

I agree with everyone. It sounds like I need to stop worrying about this.

As far as the money and the rest, I think I'm just going to back a way. I am the one who usually intiates spending time together and I am not going to do that anymore. I have so much going on in my life... Is it ok just to think- he leaves on Saturday night, and it's as if with any other friend!

I think the issue is part of me doesn't like the way she behaves. I don't like listening to someone complain for an hour about how their job bothers them and they don't get enough respect or make enough money - then to find out they make 3 times our combined salary. I don't like to talk to someone for the next hour about how they wish they were married and have a kid...it sounds like passive agressive guilt laying. But, I don't have to like it. I don't have to SEE her.

I think I've been sort of co-dependent. I want to free myself of that.

Thanks everyone.
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  #14  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:58 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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then to find out they make 3 times our combined salary. I don't like to talk to someone for the next hour about how they wish they were married and have a kid...it sounds like passive agressive guilt laying. But, I don't have to like it. I don't have to SEE her.
.
You know, it might not be guilt tripping but maybe a grass is greener thing?
Maybe she would love to get married and have a baby, I think because you resent the fact she has the money, you might be ascribing motivation to everything she says. There are many women out there who make good money and that is threatening to some men so they find it hard to meet someone willing to settle down.

Maybe she is jealous of what you have too. You both need to start to understand each other, you have a life she might like, she has an income you would rather like.

Life is like that, I wouldn't give it more power than it deserves.
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  #15  
Old 11-13-2013, 03:20 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Your husband's girlfriend has her own life and her own responsibilities - surely you don't feel she should she take on yours? She earns a living and supports herself - should she feel guilty or owe you anything because of that?

If your husband is not taking care of his obligations at home, the onus is on him to remedy that by making more effort to help you, romance you, co-parent, etc. - it isn't up to her to step in and play Wife #2 so you can have an easier time of it. She's HIS girlfriend, not YOUR co-wife. She is perfectly within her rights to live her life as she sees fit.

Your strategy is mixed up and your resentment is misplaced - you should be worrying about managing your relationship with him, not his relationship with her. She gets one night a week with him and is satisfied, doesn't want to infringe on your home life, and you resent her for that??? For his attentions being elsewhere just one night a week? Many wives in similar poly situations would jump for joy if their husband's gf was happy with just that. If it was a hobby he enjoyed that took him out of the house and spending a little money one night a week, would you still feel upset about it?

Why don't you and your husband have sex anymore? Seems to me you're looking in the wrong direction for ways to have a better partnership with your husband. You should be focused on him, not her. Ask yourself: Do I feel respected by him? Do I feel valued by him? Is my relationship with my husband all work and/or fighting, or is it joyful and fun? Do I feel heard by him? If you don't like the answers to those questions, you need to see how the dynamic can change, not by pressuring her to live with you and take over some of your chores, but by discussing with your husband where he is not stepping up or living up to what you want out of your relationship with him.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-13-2013 at 03:43 AM.
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  #16  
Old 11-13-2013, 03:33 AM
london london is offline
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And it is one day out of seven. You do not need your husband there every spare minute of his time for him to be a conscientious and responsible father. An evening and night away, once a week is not a big deal. Pretending it is and you can't parent without him is a common method of halting any time with other people away from your watchful eye though. He could spend one night a week away and so could you. Nothing wrong with that at all. Let them do what they want to do. It's very likely that to earn the money she does, she had to sacrifice a marriage and kids earlier on. I hope she can date other people and possibly find that. Other than that, focus on you.

Last edited by london; 11-13-2013 at 03:36 AM.
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  #17  
Old 11-13-2013, 12:57 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Once a week

I haven't communicated very well, sorry.

I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about GF they are often friends with the primary family who come over for dinner ect. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, it is more common for a GF to be a totally segregated part of the lovers life? Thst was just my own confusion about poly.

As far as the money. I don't care how much money she makes. I DO care that she complains endlessly without the foresight to see that others around her have a lot less. I also don't liken her not getting married to her financial status. She has always identified as poly and dated men who were not able to enter a marriage. She (to my knowledge) hasn't even dated someone open to marrying.

But, you are right. I have to let it go!! I have misfocus here.

The realationship with my husband: No, I don't feel he's an equal partner. I don't always feel heard. I have no desire at all to have sex with him. However, he is a good husband in a lot of ways. I am not willing, at this point, to get a divorce, but we have been to counseling and have been aware of and working on our problems for five years. The issue is partly, you can work on stuff forever, but at the end of the day...you are who you are.

I didn't say I couldn't live without him once a week. I said it triggered my past issues of being abandoned as a child, notably when my single mother left me with a babysitter t date Or left me in the living room of her boyfriend's apartment to fuck him in the bedroom (age 7? 8?). Although many here might find that "normal" for me it was traumatic. I always felt my mother was giving love to her lovers when she didn't have enough for me. Then, I have had about 7 people close to me die. So, him going to her triggers those feelings...it has nothing to do with either of them.

I do need to focus on myself. I want to/ am going to put their relationship out of my mind. When I approached being her friend and she basically said no, at first, I felt rejected but now I feel relief.

I guess the fear comes from the fact that she only wants HIM in her life, not us. And she is aching for a partner. I guess my deep fear is that she wants to "take him away" from me. Yes, that is my fear.
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  #18  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about GF they are often friends with the primary family who come over for dinner ect. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, it is more common for a GF to be a totally segregated part of the lovers life? Thst was just my own confusion about poly.
There are a lot of different ways to 'do' poly. There is no one right way (well other than not cheating.) Some people like the integrated, everyone all together way. Others like to keep the relationships strictly separate from each other. And every gradation in-between. All are valid.

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As far as the money. I don't care how much money she makes. I DO care that she complains endlessly without the foresight to see that others around her have a lot less. I also don't liken her not getting married to her financial status. She has always identified as poly and dated men who were not able to enter a marriage. She (to my knowledge) hasn't even dated someone open to marrying.
She seems kinda whiny. If she wants a partner and is not dating people who can actually be her primary partner, and then whines about that, yes, that would be annoying. Some people just want to dwell endlessly on their problems without actually facing or solving them. Sounds like her not wanting to move in and be more involved in your life is a blessing! It's best to let such people go on their way.

...

Quote:
The realationship with my husband: No, I don't feel he's an equal partner. I don't always feel heard. I have no desire at all to have sex with him. However, he is a good husband in a lot of ways. I am not willing, at this point, to get a divorce, but we have been to counseling and have been aware of and working on our problems for five years. The issue is partly, you can work on stuff forever, but at the end of the day...you are who you are.

I didn't say I couldn't live without him once a week. I said it triggered my past issues of being abandoned as a child, notably when my single mother left me with a babysitter t date Or left me in the living room of her boyfriend's apartment to fuck him in the bedroom (age 7? 8?). Although many here might find that "normal" for me it was traumatic. I always felt my mother was giving love to her lovers when she didn't have enough for me. Then, I have had about 7 people close to me die. So, him going to her triggers those feelings...it has nothing to do with either of them.
It is good to recognize this and just knowing that this is a trigger is a great step. Have you addressed these issues through therapy or other means? It will be painful but you will be the better for it in the long run. This is something you can do for yourself.

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I do need to focus on myself. I want to/ am going to put their relationship out of my mind. When I approached being her friend and she basically said no, at first, I felt rejected but now I feel relief.
Yep, dodged a whiny bullet there!

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I guess the fear comes from the fact that she only wants HIM in her life, not us. And she is aching for a partner. I guess my deep fear is that she wants to "take him away" from me. Yes, that is my fear.
This might be legitimate. She might be what is called a cowgirl - meaning a person who becomes involved with a poly person with the aim of 'roping' them off into a monogamous relationship. Yes, it sounds like she just wants him in her life. He is her lover. She's not interested in a friendship or deeper connection with you. But her interest in 'just' him does not automatically make her a cowgirl. And if she is a cowgirl, well that is on him to deal with.

And to ask the obvious question, if she is interested in taking him away, what's the problem? You are unhappy. This has been going on for a while with little resolution it seems. You mention he is a good husband in many ways. If those ways are that he is a good parent and provider, then you and he will still co-parent after a divorce. He can still provide for his children. Maybe looking that fear squarely will tell you something about you.

Good luck!
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  #19  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:40 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about GF they are often friends with the primary family who come over for dinner ect. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, it is more common for a GF to be a totally segregated part of the lovers life? Thst was just my own confusion about poly.
No Murf and Butch do not really hang out as friends. They are cordial because of me. If Murf comes to my home with Butch it is to spend time with me. On occasion they will help each other out with something. BUT that is as a favor to me.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #20  
Old 11-13-2013, 02:02 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about GF they are often friends with the primary family who come over for dinner ect. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, it is more common for a GF to be a totally segregated part of the lovers life? Thst was just my own confusion about poly.
I don't hang out with BF and his wife or go to their house when she's there. He tells me this is highly unusual among their friends.

I think the fear of a husband/wife leaving for a girlfriend/boyfriend is very real. To me, it just stands to reason. Relationships, by definition, involve caring, feelings, wanting to be with someone. To me, this is one of the very real flaws with poly: the expectation that both people in this secondary relationship will be forever content with part-time. Apparently, some are, and yet relationships as a general rule, do grow toward more, or die. They don't stay once a week forever. There's a long list of members of this board who have either left their spouse, or been left by their spouse, for the outside relationship.
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