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  #1  
Old 11-12-2013, 07:26 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Advice for once a week partner

I wanted to ask for some advice on forming poly "families" or in this case non-families, feeling lonely, and dating.

Backstory: Couple married 15 years, became poly 3 years ago, husband has a girlfriend of 2 years, husband and have two kids, I currently have no boyfriend, husband and I do not have sex.

Recently husband, girlfriend, and I sat down to discuss our future. Husband wanted girlfriend to become part of our family and spend more time with us as a group. I was also open to this. She said she did not want this. She wanted to remain casual friends with me, and continue to see him alone on day/night a week.

I am having many resentment issues, but first the good stuff. I like girlfriend, she is very kind. She takes a lot of pressure off my relationship with husband and they are good together. She is a good match for him. I also feel safe that she respects our boundaries and does not push him to move in with her or leave me,

But I do have some resentments. I resent that I care for our children every week when he is gone. I resent that this person only gets the "good side" of my husband and doesn't have to deal with any household stuff. I also resent that we are struggling with money. The girlfriend makes a lot of money (nearly three times our salary with only herself as a dependent, and yet she complains about money and her work situation every time I see her.

The evening they spend together triggers me. Rationally, I feel happy for them, but emotionally, I feel abandoned and lonely. I feel like I want to work harder accpeting what I have: I love my husband deeply as a friend and partner, but not romantically. When I date, it's very easy to get men interested but that second date! Wow! that's hard to get. I also have a lot of married cheating men come onto me.

Has anyone else had some of these experiences? Big money differences within the group? A girlfriend who wanted to only be with the husband? And do poly women always have a lot of married men approach them?
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  #2  
Old 11-12-2013, 11:04 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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If you already dislike the one night per week they spend together, why are you pushing for more than that?

I'm a little confused by this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
A girlfriend who wanted to only be with the husband?
I didn't see anything in your post that implied she was anything but your husbands' girlfriend. Was she previously yours as well?
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  #3  
Old 11-13-2013, 12:30 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Thanks

Em,

Thank you so much for moving my post. I didn't realize I put it in the wrong place.

I had mixed feelings on her becoming part of the family, yes. But ultimately it's what my husband wanted. I figured that if she, say, spent time with our kids or coming over for dinner, it might make it easier for all of us, instead of segregating his time.

I know every poly family is different, but isn't that more common. What is your experience with having a partner totally separate? Also, have you ever felt envy because of a difference in financial situations?
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Old 11-13-2013, 12:46 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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A bit of a tangent, but something we can learn from the Europeans: often they marry one person in order to raise a family, and have someone else on the side for romance. Sounds like you and your husband make a good couple for raising children. Excellent!

My suggestion to you is to not give up on finding that romantic partner. Women have both the best and the worst of it: plenty of guys wanting to date, but very little quality. Yes, it is common for women to be approached by all kinds of guys. It is easy to think they are all.... Substandard. Really that isn't true. You just need to keep looking for that gem.

As for your metamour, sounds like you have a good one.
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  #5  
Old 11-13-2013, 12:46 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post

I know every poly family is different, but isn't that more common. ?
No, just the opposite really.
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  #6  
Old 11-13-2013, 12:50 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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First off, yes, usually the girlfriend, being a human being, prefers to be with one or the other. The rare exceptions are so-called "unicorns." Be happy to offer advice with that, but that's a whole post of itself

Secondly, all women have married men approach them.

Other than that, it does appear that your husband is dating a woman who likes to have an escape, but does not want obligations. You cannot force her to change what she wants, although you could (and have every right) to 1) make your husband pay for a sitter on those nights, so you get to enjoy yourself, or 2) give you the option of going out on date nights (you don't have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you can just go out and spoil yourself, pedicure, whatever, time with the girls). Fair's fair. You cannot, however, force him to stay in just because you are.

Also, do you REALLY want a triad? While it sounds nice to have extra help around the house, extra emotional support, those are VERY difficult for most people to handle. Truly sharing your husband equally with another woman? Not a small thing. But if you want that other woman to help out on all fronts, with the children, hard times, the "bad" parts, you're gonna have to offer a lot to make it worth her while. Speaking for myself, I'd be very willing to take on all of what I mentioned above. But I also expect to be an equal partner in that case, with all the rights with the husband that you have....not necessarily equal time, but whatever time I need....and my needs....your needs...AND his needs, would all be considered on the same priority.

Ummm, totally not offering or trying to make a move here, just speaking hypothetically
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  #7  
Old 11-13-2013, 12:58 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Great advice

Thank you! All very helpful sound advice...

In this case, then am I "off the hook" in as far as worrying about her needs?

What is my responsibility or place when he complains to me that she is not getting her needs met? What is my responsibilty when she complains that she wants her own partner? Would it be best to just focus on my own relationships and stay completely out of theirs? Is that being supportive enough of him when he talks about it?

Any hints regarding not feeling abandoned on the one night?

Finally, has anyone experienced financial jealousy. How did you deal with it?
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  #8  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:22 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Clarification

I think it would help if you better explained the structure with her....and the expectations. It's amazing how often people fail to state or ask for expectations...I'm not saying you haven't, but that might be a good reason for your confusion and hurt.

If it's what it looks like, she gets him one night a week, she does not invest into your and his relationship, but only his, and you and she are, at best, acquaintances, then, no, you really owe her nothing but common courtesies when you're around her. Basically, treating her with respect.

If she tries to offload more onto you, you can gently explain that you don't feel you and she have the "level" of friendship, and you, unfortunately, don't feel you can properly take on more at the time, and you hope she understands. Even if this is a total lie, you do want to be on good terms with her, right? So play nice Isn't that the same thing you would do for any other casual friend? And that's really a good way to see her. After that, any direct complaints to you could be met with a firm, I'm very sorry, but I don't feel this is the time to talk about that. Or whatever.

If, on the other hand, which you've hinted at-- or maybe it's both?-- he's the one who is bringing the drama home, that's a different issue. I'd be a LOT more direct with him, after all you have a relationship which warrants that, and make it very clear that you do not want to be burdened with HIS girlfriend's problems. That you don't mind who he dates, but you don't want to be dragged into her emotional troubles.

Sound reasonable?
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  #9  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:29 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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You and your metamour seemingly have fairly good relationship, but as metamours p, it is certainly NOT your responsibility that her needs be met. That is up to her.

When your husband complains that her needs aren't being met, what does he expect you to do about it?

As for your metamour wanting her own partner, again that is up to her pursue. You can't go out and lasso one for her.

As for the one night a week that you feel abandoned, examine the source of this feeling. Do you have it when he goes to work or out to run errands? If the feeling is specific to his night out with her, you may want to examine what you fear. Also, is there any way you could get a babysitter and go out when he is with her?
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  #10  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:31 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Finances

As far as financial jealousy, it's really pretty rude for someone to brag about how much they make, then complain how they can't get what they want.....especially around someone who makes less than they do.

Maybe tell her to please not talk about money around you?
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