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  #611  
Old 08-15-2014, 12:04 AM
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I told GG today, he needs to find his own place by January. It's obvious that living together makes it harder for him to learn how to take responsibility for his own shit.
If he doesn't do it, I have to do it, and I'm done doing it.

So; he's moving out.

That will result in a lot of change. Significant drop in household income, which means I need to reduce expenses dramatically for the household.
Therefore, I will be trading the van in asap for a smaller vehicle, paying off the bike loan by mid October, & attempting to completely pay off all outstanding medical and cc bills by January.
THAT means Maca will be busting his behind to try to get as much overtime as possible (or none of that will be remotely feasible) and I may be looking to pick up some side work over the winter to help out.

Additionally, Sour Pea will no longer be home schooling. She's going to have to go to a brick and mortar school.

I will have to start using student loans for school.
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  #612  
Old 08-15-2014, 12:33 AM
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That sounds like a lot of hurdles.
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  #613  
Old 08-15-2014, 06:53 AM
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It is. It would certainly be more beneficial for the whole family if GG just got his head out of his ass.
But-it is what it is.

I can't keep saving him. I have other responsibilities. I would be lying if I said I wasn't resentful and hurt. But regardless, it is my responsibility to do wha needs done and right now that means sending him to live out of my home so his continued irresponsible behaviors aren't made into my responsibilities.
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  #614  
Old 08-15-2014, 03:45 PM
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Hugs!
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  #615  
Old 08-15-2014, 11:52 PM
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More hugs... and hopes that he gets his shit together.
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  #616  
Old 08-16-2014, 04:30 AM
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Thanks for the hugs.
I had a great day. I took Sweet pea out to practice driving. He was more nervous than me. Lol. He did great. Afterward I took him out on the bike. We both enjoyed that.
I got the house cleaned up somewhat, packed the van, brushed out the dog.

I highly diubt he is going to get anything together. The things that are issues have ALWAYS been issues. He hates conflict, avoids it to a fault. That results in him jot saying no, overbooking his time, failing to keep up with everything he has committed to and generally screwing over the people he cares most about because those are the ones who keep turning the other cheek.
He comes from a family that has a plethora of irresponsible people (only one I know of who isn't) all of whom have a "wha will be will be" laisse fairre attitude about their circumstances.
He talks about growing up and People cringe. He talks about quitting school in 8th grade because the teachers were picking on him and his mom just let him quit. He talks about how they didn't shower for almost two years because the bathtub was filled with dirty laundry (until social services got involved).
The rest of the family is still like that.

He see's all of his problems as "just who I am". He says things like "Im just not the kind of oerson who organizes things" "I don't notice when its a problem until its a crisis, thats just ME" and "why can't you just accept me for who i am".

The answer is, I can accelt you for who you are AND for who you choose to be and what you refise to improve on etc.
BUT NOT LIVING IN MY HOME.

If you want to live with me, self improvement has to be a top priority as does personal accountability. If no, hasta la vista.

He's angry and hurt.
he feels like its overstatin thigs to say that the day to day issues he creates warrant him havin to move out.
My sister said Its like a windshield. A couple dings aren't a big deal. But if you keep getting dings, they start to create cracks that connect them and eventually the window is in pieces.
Thats a good analogy.

Each individual issue ALONE might be tolerable (like painting the banister a new color without discussing it with the family)
But altogether they result in an overwhelming disaster that makes it impossible to drive the vehicle.
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  #617  
Old 08-16-2014, 08:32 PM
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Not to mention getting a ticket from Mr. Police Officer because you haven't replaced your windshield.

I'm sure GG just sees himself as very easygoing and doesn't like the word "irresponsible." But you have a household to run, which IMO gives you some rights to say who can and can't be part of that household.

Should be interesting to see what GG's future domicile will look like. Not like an episode of Hoarders I hope!
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  #618  
Old 08-18-2014, 05:45 PM
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In the past, he has had his roommates and his own place. In both cases it tends to be very much like hoarders. In fact, I specifically advised him to watch that show because it reminded me of him.
He has been forced to maintain a level of organization and cleanliness in our home-because none of the rest of us tolerate it. But left to his own devices, that all goes to the wayside.
The last time he was on his own, he rented a two bedroom apartment and HIS words were, because he wanted an extra room for the kids to spend the night in.
But that never actually happened. Because he never ACTUALLY unpacked the boxes. Piles of shit were left all over the living room and the spare bedroom. The only room that was reasonably clean was his bedroom, the rest of the apartment was a WRECK. He also never had groceries because he couldn't keep his finances in check so that he could actually buy groceries.

Suffice it to say there is a whole lot of something not floating around properly in there. He's survived that way, because he has only had to support himself. But in order have a family, you have to be able to FEED them. He couldn't even have the kids over for weekend visitation. :/
We'll see what happens.

He sent me an email telling me all about how he wished it hadn't come to this and what high hopes he has of working things out etc. But no where does he address how or what it is that he intends to do in order to work this shit out. I honestly don't believe he has any idea what NEEDS to be done, much less HOW to go about working on them.
I've given him more information and direction including links to pages that have educational material on time management, money management, ADHD management, etc. I have no clue if he has read them or not. He says "thank you" if he replies at all and that's the last I hear of it.
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  #619  
Old 08-18-2014, 06:08 PM
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He's sounding pretty clueless.

After he gets his own place, do you plan to let him visit you at your place? It doesn't sound like he'll be able to have any of the kids over to visit at his domicile. I don't think it's good for kids to even see that kind of mess, it sets a bad example for them.

Has he had any professional counseling? It seems like he could use it.
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  #620  
Old 08-18-2014, 06:42 PM
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Likely he won't do the "SELF" help stuff. From things you have said I recognize quite a few similarities to my husband. Sending reading material is pointless and just gets ignored. I had to schedule an appointment with the counselor and tell him to show up or we are done. Once we started going we were able to make progress. Something about a third party pointing things out is harder to dismiss and ignore (didn't even register that I'd been saying the same thing for 20 years ). Don't know if he would have taken the initiative to make the appointment on his own or not, I didn't even give him the chance but it was "marriage counseling". It definitely sounds like GG needs to see someone.

I can watch shows like hoarders (up to a point-after that, it just too depressing) and see where it relates to myself, but my husband can't. He simply can not see the correlation of his actions/behaviors when he sees it in others. Same goes for reading articles and stuff. He immediately see my faults, but simply can not see his own. He never sees himself in such material and me pointing it out just ends in an argument. It wasn't until the counselor asked him to explain how his actions were NOT what I was saying they were that it started to register and then improve. Of course there was much more therapy stuff, teeth pulling, denial... before we got to the improvement part .
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