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  #551  
Old 01-07-2014, 02:07 AM
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Pretty much Brigid. Great way of summing it up.
He never dated before either. He married his high school sweetheart, that was a dramatic nightmare disaster (drugs, cheating, child abuse).
He didn't date after. We already knew each other (10 years) and we got together a few months after they divorced.

When he started dating in our poly dynamic; he experienced more drama than any normal person should encounter. Some caused by his own bs. Some caused by his tendency towards being a "white knight". I'm really the odd ball in his life. Women in his life tend to be drug addicts (mom, stepmoms, stepsisters, exwife, several potentials) and financially destitute.
That he has a good solid job makes him an easy "target" in the bar scene for women who are on the prowl for a sugar daddy. He's NOT experienced enough to see through the "prowler" and the legitimately nice, well adjusted woman who is simply interested in getting to know him.

The other night, we were playing pool and by our behavior (it WAS our first date together in 6 months) there was no reason for anyone to believe either of us was available. We were much much too busy with each other to pay attention to anyone else.
It only took a few minutes for a woman there, who dated his (now in prison for drugs and armed robbery) ex-stepbrother; to recognize him. She was ALL OVER trying to "reconnect". She knows both of us, but only recognized him. (he does look damn near exactly the same as he did in high school and he has lived her his whole life). He was cringing.
She's a deadbeat, no job, can't take care of herself, drunk. Nice.

It's a bit.... stunning how quickly those types suck up to him.
He at least recognizes now that this is the case. They sense the "nice guy" who would "take care of them" which is definitely his personality (and his fathers-who looks JUST LIKE HIM and lived here HIS whole life as well, same damn name even).
But-he doesn't know how to get around it yet. Which is ok.

All of that really is arbitrary. My point in my blog was just to say how impressed I was with his conscious effort to consider what he wants, what he doesn't want and to plan on coordinating HIS behavior around avoiding what he doesn't want. That's a very new thing for him and I'm proud of him for taking a year to really consider what has gotten him into a mess before and educate himself on ways to avoid that.
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  #552  
Old 01-07-2014, 02:09 AM
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Well as I said, maybe approaching dating differently than he has been will make it a more positive experience. I can tell you now that someone assuming that dating or dating me specifically will spell drama would put me right off. I think many people would feel similarly.
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  #553  
Old 01-08-2014, 05:32 AM
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Well, the thing is (correct me if I'm wrong, LR) that Maca used to date as a way to keep things even between him and LR. He used to feel like, "She has a boyfriend, no fair! I need a girlfriend to even the score." And so out of his desperate need to keep pace (in his mind) with her, he rushed into situations and tried forcing himself to fit with somebody, anybody, even if they were totally wrong for him and his dynamic at home, because he thought that was better than dealing with his unresolved issues about his relationship with LR, and how he felt about the "unfairness" of seeing LR with GG (her bf).

Hence, drama.

Now it seems he's been pondering what he wants and is willing to go slowly so he doesn't try to get ahead of himself again. He's not doing it "just because she's got someone," he's doing it because he wants to. And (hopefully) he recognizes that his past methods of trying to create relationships out of situations that were clearly problematic is what put him in hot water before. It sounds like he's not trying to compete with LR anymore - and has forgiven her - and that's a good thing.
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  #554  
Old 01-08-2014, 06:42 PM
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Pretty much Nyc.
I mean-obviously-seeing is believing.
But any time someone takes time to figure out what is ACTUALLY making their life miserable and takes steps towards changing that, it's a plus.
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Old 01-11-2014, 12:46 AM
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Default Boundaries

Maca and I reviewed our boundaries and definitions of relationship types last night. We discussed a few items that were on our "to discuss list" from our last time reviewing them. We didn't have any changes to make to our boundaries, we're both happy with them. I noticed that we created them January 2012, and that since we agreed on them-our drama has decreased exponentially with each month.

I was duly impressed with something he shared. He brought up that he felt that communication skills, specifically the willingness and ability to address any problems that arise face to face and in a timely manner was BIG on his list of "important to have before consideration of dating". He explained his reasoning-which was primarily based on the drama that occurred with the 24 yo who avoided meeting up to talk about a problem that arose-making excuses and "needing some time" for well over 6 months and then creating such a fiasco of bs and drama in the community over it-that it ruined their chances as FRIENDSHIP.
I certainly agreed. I have always felt that it's important that people be willing to face the music of WHATEVER is going on in their life, whether that music be good or bad.
But it was cool to hear him explain his thoughts on the matter, what actions he thinks need to considered and seen and whatever to know that the communication is possible (because how do you know if no issues have arisen?).
Very good conversation.
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  #556  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:52 AM
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Default Complications of Small Towns

So often people complain about not being able to "come out" because they are in such a small community. That isn't an issue for us. We are out.

But-we were talking today. Maca's been browsing the okc profiles for our area and what he's running into is that the women who are poly are also involved in the same activities as the drama-queen. If he were to even consider meeting them and there was a spark, he would inevitably have it come back around to her. There's no doubt in my mind or his that she would have a hissy fit (again). Even though they never dated and SHE was unwilling to date because of my STD status-she was VERY possessive and the large majority of the drama she created was over wanting his undivided attention.

He finds it daunting, the idea of looking for people who are open to the concept of a poly dynamic, in a cesspool of "everyone knows everyone else"; especially when one particular someone else is such a dramatic trouble maker.
I empathize. He asked me what I would do, but only half-assed asking, because he already knows.
I'm bi, I miss having a woman partner. But there is NOTHING about dealing with that bs that interests me. I refuse to date and I refuse to have anything to do with the poly groups here, because I refuse to deal with the drama that goes along with it. In addition to HER bs, I dislike the endless vying to "be on top" and the meatmarket aspect of it. Every time a woman joins; it's like fishing on the Kenai-EVERYONES casting their hooks at once. BLECH!
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:41 AM
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But you already have two partners.

You also skipped this very difficult part of building additional relationships from scratch because you were cheating and "stealing" the time you needed to build and maintain your relationship. Maca is doing this with your full knowledge and permission and is also likely to meet a complete stranger who isn't integrated into your family like your boyfriend was. I don't think you have any sympathy for that. Maybe you don't acknowledge how.vastly different it is when you're building a relationship from scratch. It's impossible to have the same rules, expectations and ideals that you had when you were transforming your relationship with your boyfriend from cheating to poly because he was already known to your family, you already had built the romantic connection (even though you did break it for a bit, it was still there and you just had to rekindle it) and he felt it appropriate to make amends etc. It isn't like that with a new person: they don't know you or your family, they haven't got a romantic connection that already exists to fight for and they have nothing to make amends for.

Nothing in your set up reflects these very significant differences in situation. Maca loses out as a result.

Last edited by london; 01-11-2014 at 08:48 AM.
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  #558  
Old 01-14-2014, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
My thought is, it is what it is. Is it immature? Sure, probably. But she's basically still a kid. She's not "acting" immature. She is immature. She's 20. Last year, she was a teenager. If you want to date someone who behaves like a 44 year old, then date a 44 year old. If you want to date a 20 year old, then be prepared for the Millennial Generation baggage that comes with it.
Found this quote on another thread here. All I could do was smile and think YUP!

I suppose it's hard for some people to accept, but there IS a difference. Our life experiences create who we are to a large degree and the more life experiences we have the wider our range of comprehension and knowledge about how different behaviors affect ourselves AND OTHERS.

There is a reason I don't date people so much younger than me. Its not because I can't adore them. I have a LOT of early 20's people who I care deeply for. But in the scheme of our life experience, they are still "younguns".
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  #559  
Old 01-20-2014, 06:36 PM
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Default Date Nights and Exploration

GG blew me off for the Thursday night date he scheduled with me. No call, no show. I was unimpressed. We had plans for 5:15. He got home about 8, went straight to Sour Pea to get her ready for bed and spend an hour reading to her. Not one word to me.
I got an apology Friday.

Friday night is usually Maca and I's date night. But he has been struggling with pain in his neck (and trying to work through it). For those of you who remember my neck issues, he's got the same issue, but it looks like the disk below (C5-C6). He's trying to avoid surgery right now (I think mostly because it scares the shit out of him). Anyway-he got home from work about 3 and passed out cold in bed. I let him sleep. By the time he woke up, it was close to time for Sour Pea to go to bed. We decided to just stay home and chill.

After a day of rest on Saturday, Maca decided he wanted to go play the dart tournament. He invited me to join in, but I declined. I was in a quiet "at home" mood.
I watched a movie with Sweet Pea. We cuddled and talked about his girlfriend (first girlfriend for my baby boy) and relationships, expectations etc. He did most of the talking. I just answered questions. It was REALLY nice. We don't get as much time together just the two of us as we did before Sour Pea was born. I treasure them and I treasure the way he confides in me and asks me for advice and suggestions about things lots of teens flat refuse to discuss with their parents.
After the movie he went off to text with the girlfriend. I curled up in bed and read another chapter in The Wheel of Time book I borrowed from him. I was 10 pages from the end when Maca walked back in. Soooo, maybe I will finish it next week lol.
Maca had fun. Met some people. Played (and lost). He said he was nervous (he's really not a social person) but was proud of himself for getting out there on his own.
We curled up in bed and talked for a few before I went to sleep next to him while he watched a movie.
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  #560  
Old 01-22-2014, 05:51 AM
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Default Kids

WHEW BUDDY!
Today was one of "those" days.
Spicy called me during class (no phones on in class so I had to call her back after) to tell me that her husband asked for a divorce.
It's only been a month since they were in "OMG I LOVE YOU OH SO MUCH" mode. So I KNEW that SOMETHING was up.
I also know-her dad and stepmom JUST moved in with them a week ago (from the opposite side of the country). Tiny house, 4 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats and the parents also brought their 2 dogs.

So-I talked briefly with her-but she wasn't in the frame of mind to talk.
I texted him and told him I wasn't trying to get in his business, but when Little P was conceived, he became family. NOT when they got married (which was much later). That if he needed to talk, I'm here and that won't change regardless of their dynamic.
He responded and we made a date to go to coffee Friday because he's having issues with depression (he asked). He thanked me for treating him like family and said he really appreciated it.
The kids a GOOD kid. But his family is a piece of work and he really has NO CLUE how to deal with emotions (good or bad) because in self-defense he shut off emotions when he was VERY young due to the drama at home.
ANYWAY-sounds like he is just overwhelmed by everything (not shocking at all) and needs a friendly ear-but doens't know who is safe to talk to.
Hopefully I can help with that Friday.

THEN-Sweet Pea's NEW girlfriend's parents introduced themselves to me at the gym tonight. I mentioned that I had seen her on fb. Mom says "she's on fb?". OOPS!
I totally forgot that MOST teens don't talk to their parents openly and honestly about..... well pretty much everything. EEK!
Apologized to Sweet Pea for evidently getting his gf in trouble (she's currently avoiding talking to him) ahhh the joys of being a teen in your first "loving" relationship.
He told me (on our way home). "The last two weeks (amt of time they've been dating) already seems like forever, a wonderful forever. But don't worry mom, if it ends, even though 2 weeks of misery will seem like forever of misery, I won't do anything stupid. I know when I'm 30 it will be only a blink. So I will just take my frustrations out by cutting down some trees and splitting wood for the fire."
What a smart boy.

I am SO DAMN GLAD I AM NOT in the "dating scene" right now! SHEESH.

GG and I are still working through our troubles. But there is something nice about knowing that it's JUST a trouble and troubles are temporary.
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