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  #521  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default He's COMING HOME! Finally

Maca flies home Wednesday.
No work in site here for an undetermined amount of time.
But it's been 8 months and we're all done with the being apart thing. He flies in Wednesday afternoon and I'm looking forward to it!
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  #522  
Old 12-24-2013, 10:55 PM
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All the gifts are wrapped (except the one ordered for GG that hasn't arrived) and under the tree.
Today Maca and I were out in the snow taking sexy, naughty pics. It was cold as FUCK. But it was fun anyway.
Tonight we will put together the new bed for Sour Pea. It's a loft like bed with shelving and cabinets underneath. That will open up more floor space for her room.

We're all doing well. The family is doing ok. There's been a glitch with GG and I for months. It's not a matter of fighting. We aren't fighting (we really don't fight). But there is a distance. His world revolves around his job (even though he would swear otherwise). He left before 7am yesterday and didn't make it home til after 7pm. But it was an "8 hour shift". That's TYPICAL. It's also typical that the weekends-he gets called out. I have given up on having dates with him, personal time, anything really-because he's not available with any amount of predictability.
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  #523  
Old 12-30-2013, 07:47 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default So-what happens?

I haven't said much about what has been going on with GG and I this year, because... well nothing has been going on. Not that there was no drama (which there wasn't), but that there has quite literally been NOTHING going on.
In January, we talked about how his choices regarding his job (not a career path-a job) were negatively impacting our relationship. Specifically; the supervisors take advantage of him and he allows it. He's paid salary, so regardless of hours worked, his pay doesn't change.
They press him to work more and more hours each week. He averages 60-80 hours a week. He works (in theory) m-f and is on-call for emergencies. He was hired to work 3pm-12am M-F and be on call for emergencies.But-he generally works 1pm-1 or 2 am 2-3 days a week and the others he goes in at 11am and works through until 1 or 2 am. Additionally he takes calls throughout the night and over the weekend. It's common for him to be gone dealing with work stuff at least one day over the weekend for 4-6 hours. It's not unusual for it to be both days at least one weekend a month.

That alone paints a clear enough picture of how tough it is for us to have ANY time together.
But when you add into it that I have class 2 days a week in the morning, so I leave at 6:45 am and return by 2 or 3 (depends on traffic) in the afternoon.
1 day a week the kids have class at 10am, so we're out the door by 9:45 am and not home until after 4.
The kids and I tend to be in bed between 8-10 pm (youngest at 8, me about 9 and oldest kiddo by 10). We're all up by 7am (except the days I have to be up at 5:30).
Basically; GG and I don't see each other at all.

In April we went as a family to Hawaii. I can't say even now what GG's issue was, but he was grumpy and moody and off in his own little world the whole two weeks. Maca made arrangements to take the boy out on a boat trip so GG and I could have a date day. GG was gloomy through the whole date. (I also had one date morning with Maca-we went snorkeling). GG spent a large amount of his time on the computer or watching movies on his own in another room of our condo. His mood was negative enough that Maca was wondering WTF was wrong with him and even Sour Pea-who is usually attached to his hip, was avoiding him.

Maca was working out of town all of May, July, all but 1 week in August, all but 4 days in September, all of October, all but 1 week in Nov. All of Dec until the 21st.

In ALL of that time; GG and I never got a date. We slept in the same room a half a dozen times.

In July, before I went to see Maca in Kodiak, I let GG know something had to give. He needed to make a decision about what his priorities were because I couldn't continue with things the way they were.
He assured me he was going to take the week I was gone to talk to supervisors and if they weren't going to lay off, he was going to get a different job. Keeping in mind-Alaska is NOT in a recession the way the rest of the country has been. We haven't had ANY issues with not having enough work. He COULD find another job relatively easily. He's had other job offers. But he LIKES working where he works.

Well-nothing changed. I had a long, deep heart to heart with myself about it. My conclusion was and is; that he has a right to make choices I don't like. He has a right to choose to commit himself to a job that takes advantage of him. He has a right to not prioritize time with me.
(In all of this he has coordinated his lunch breaks so that he can continue tucking in Sour Pea at night-and he does go through her chores and some school work with her in the mornings before he leaves-so she is not feeling neglected)
He has a right to live his life as he see's fit.
I don't have a right to control that.

I have a right to determine that I'm not going to be in a dating relationship with someone I can't have a date with for 9 months straight (not due to any unusual emergency situation). I have a right to not sit around waiting for him to be available to spend time with me. I have a right to not disrupt my sleep to go curl up in his room-when he isn't going to know I was there ANYWAY because he's exhausted from lack of sleep due to his work schedule. I have a right to not try to sleep in a room where a phone is going to be continually waking me up all night and the other person climbing in and out of bed, taking calls and going out to deal with work shit, throughout the night.

So-when I returned from my trip and it became evident after a week that nothing had changed; I altered my days/nights. I started taking the kids to the gym a few days a week-without worrying about "maybe today he will be home". I started sleeping in my own room every night (it's amazing what getting a good nights sleep EVERY NIGHT will do for a person). I quit asking about his work schedule. If he's here, he's here. If he's not, he's not. If I have plans, I write them on the calendar. But I don't plan on him participating-and then I don't get my feelings hurt when he is NEVER available.

AFTER Maca returned Dec. 21st GG noticed the changes.... he asked me if I was ok because I "seemed distant".
I reiterated (in a long version) what I have written here.
He got his feelings hurt because he didn't feel like I was being fair. His argument is "I NEED a job".
I didn't argue. He asked me what other option he had and I reminded him, when he asked me AND my sister that last January-we both told him he should devote an hour or two a week to searching for a BETTER FITTING JOB. Because they ARE out there and they ARE available. He did-for about 2 weeks and he FOUND several. But he wanted to "try to work things out" with the job he's in. Which is FINE-but it is HIS choice and it does have consequences.
Especially since-it hasn't been resolved.

He avoided me for a week or so. Then two days ago wrote me a letter saying he was sorry, he loves me and he understands why it was over. I didn't reply.
He then wrote me another yesterday asking me if I was playing certain music on purpose to hurt him (I wasn't). It was the new Pink album and I ALWAYS play it to put the grand baby to sleep. He likes it. I have been playing it for MONTHS on a daily basis. So the question was kind of silly-except I know it's just because he's FINALLY realizing that something significant has changed.
I didn't say a word to him about it-but to some degree I am disgusted by the fact that it took him SO FUCKING LONG to realize that something has changed.
Something significant enough for him to cry himself to sleep over, the last two nights... but he didn't notice it for almost 6 months.

Multiple times over the last 9 months Maca, seeing that I'm not happy with how things are going with GG, has tried to set up date times for GG and I. But GG hasn't made use of any of them. He's been supportive and understanding and tried to be helpful. He's finally started realizing that his attitudes affect everyone and that he can alter the way the family functions by small changes in how he communicates with us. It's resulted in him spending a LOT more quality time with everyone when he is around (he was gone TOO MUCH).
Since he's been back, he's made a point of spending a good portion of every day with the family, including one on one time with each child and me. He's helped with babysitting the grand kids and spent time hugging and loving on them. He's tried to engage GG as well.
But he noticed QUICKLY that GG is never around. He was disconcerted by it-he had listened to me say it many times before-but he wasn't here. He was a bit baffled and upset by the fact that while he was gone; I was basically on my own with the kids-because GG has been LOST in the world of his job. He can't comprehend why GG wouldn't have taken advantage of the opportunity to spend more time with me-even taken some of his vacation time from work-because Maca was gone AND he was making enough extra $ working out of town-that GG could have lost his job and our income wouldn't have dropped from it's normal level..... (he gets paid vacation time anyway-so that wasn't an issue-but the point is the same).

It's been baffling. I haven't really talked to anyone because it's too complicated to explain.
Are we fighting? No
Is he moving out? No
Is either of us looking to date someone else? No

How do you explain "nothing is happening". Literally; nothing.....
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  #524  
Old 12-30-2013, 08:31 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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That's hard LR. I wither if I don't get enough time with partners. As do my relationships. It's painful to imagine going for months without meaningful interaction. (Glad to hear he is keeping his agreements with the kids. That's hopeful.) With Maca gone a lot, you must feel alone. I am so sorry. That sucks.

Sounds like something is going on with GG. No idea what - he may not consciously know - but something about that job, about being needed and on call all the time ties into something in his psyche.

Now that he has noticed a difference with you, maybe he will be able to talk about what is going on with him. I hope so.

<<Hugs>>
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  #525  
Old 12-30-2013, 08:37 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Tough.

That's a tough spot to be in - to recognize that this is his choice, and give him the space to make it, but to largely be unfulfilled by the situation. It sounds like you are truly in need of some serious quality time, and hope that you're able to find some way to create that with him. Waiting on him to do something doesn't sound like it's yielding the results you want it to - is there something that he LOVES to do that you could organize to create with him? Reaching - I know you're trying hard.
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  #526  
Old 12-30-2013, 08:54 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Gah, sorry to hear that. Some of it sounds similar to some past experiences I've had - it's so odd how you can try so hard to express your needs and wants to somebody for a long time and have them not hear it for months. I hope he is in a place to really recognize what his choices really mean for your relationship and the future, so he can make sure he's making them consciously.

I like how you are handling it - seems like you're looking out for yourself, not being mean, just factual, and trying to accept who he is and what he is offering at the moment. I know I have trouble doing that, I'll try to keep this example in mind in the future.

*hug*
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  #527  
Old 12-31-2013, 12:15 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I was hurt.
I was angry.
I am still confused.

But mostly at this point, I'm just tired.
Working on acceptance.

I am not generally mean or vindictive-so it's not hard to avoid being that way.
The hardest part is that I want to ask a million questions. But I already HAVE asked them and the answers don't match the actions. I've heard the answers repeatedly. He's talented at saying exactly what I would like to hear. But his actions are directly contradictory to his words.
So asking questions is a waste of energy.

I could psychoanalyze and guess as to why he's doing this that or the other thing. With 20 years of relationship, I have a pretty good idea of what drives him.
But the thing is-that it doesn't matter if I know what is driving him or not. It doesn't change anything.

I know he sucks at saying no.
I know he is a people pleaser.
I know he is a huge procrastinator.
I know that whatever is in his face is what gets the attention (squeaky-wheel concept) and everything else gets forgotten.

He is a 'put out the fire' person. But the idea of planning to avoid a fire starting-totally not him at all.

The bottom line though-is that I don't have the energy to FIGHT for his attention. I don't have the energy to fight his work schedule. I don't have the time either.
I was doing that. For a couple of years. But it is exhausting and tiresome. So I stopped. I need to focus my energy on taking care of myself. I don't need to be spending my energy on reminding someone that they need to not work 80+ hours a week with 40 of them being free. I need to not spend my energy begging for a date or an overnight that isn't interrupted by an employer.

Those things are his responsibility. If he wants to be able to date (anyone) he has to be willing to make the time to do that.
If he wants to be able to do anything except work, he has to put his foot down and do that.
He has to be a man, instead of a boy.

But-he doesn't want to do that. He's not there. So maybe he is sad and heartbroken that I'm not telling him what to do or demanding he do it. But we're not children. So if that's the type of relationship he wants; well he will have to make time to find someone who is willing to be his mother. Because I'm not going to do it.
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  #528  
Old 12-31-2013, 12:31 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Damn, that sounds familiar, for my husband it wasn't work, but outside activities. The more I complained the more he ignored me and just got pissy. I finally just said, you do what you want, but I'm not going to put my life on hold anymore because you can't give the family any or your time. It wasn't until I stopped begging and just carried on without him, that it finally kicked in it was all his choice. I'd let him know what our plans were and probably on more than one occasion told him "be there or don't, the choice is yours". It took awhile, but he did finally get it. Until that time, he just saw it as me being a bitch and not supporting him in his activities, no matter how many times I tried to tell him its about his lack of time with us that was the problem, he refused to see it.
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  #529  
Old 12-31-2013, 05:16 AM
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Sneac-pretty much thats where it stands. We all know I love him and he loves me. But he has choices he has made that make our romance impossible.

I won't replace him. I won't date anyone else. But I wont sit around lonely waiting for him either.
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  #530  
Old 12-31-2013, 06:30 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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This is a shame. I'm sad for you.

I see a similar tendency in my mother. For reasons that I very much understand and empathise with, she has become very focused on herself and her own world. Her preference is to spend much of her time busy with household tasks. She makes lots of effort to see her grandchildren but each of us who are her children have noticed a clear cooling and her making less time for us.

She has always seen me as calm, capable and not in need of any help and has been consistently less available to me anyway. The last few years has seen that lack of availability escalate.

I can't and have no wish to control my mother. Her choices are her own to make and she must live her own life. I'm not horrible to her. I don't nag her. I keep up contact - I ring her a couple of times a week from work and see her maybe once a month usually when one or other of my siblings has arranged the event.

Her choice to consistently prioritise household tasks over spending time with me does, however, have consequences. I am equally not as available to her. I fill my time with my own things and with the people who I love who are there for me. I know that sometimes she feels upset about the lack of closeness - if she comments to me, I do point out to her that this is her choice.

I can't replace her in my life even if I wanted to and I feel deeply sad for her that she is in a place where household tasks seem more important than loved ones but I can't fix that for her.

She may or may not change now but we will never have the sort of close relationship that I see some of my friends having with their mothers. I don't have the time for that now and am unwilling to give up things to make that time. Plus - I have years of being seen as the steady, calm, capable, independent one in the family and that is pretty much how I am. Whether through nature or nurture (likely a combination of both), I have the skills to look after myself, to find new friends and groups of support from outwith my family and to maintain those friendships and support networks.

Sucks though to have a close loved one consistently choose not to prioritise the relationship to the point where it is damaged. I feel for you LR.

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