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  #431  
Old 01-14-2013, 07:26 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Sunday my sister, GG, Maca and myself attended another meet up in town-and it was PACKED! We met some people, but the awkward part was the interest in us personally. There were so many questions aimed directly at us regarding our specific family dynamics and lifestyle. It wasn't bad-but it was bizarre.
Yeah, I saw the write-up-with-photos of that meet-up in "Hola" (one of Spain's many "People"-type magazines). It was good to get a face to go with the name, after all this time of just seeing your tattooed back. But the celebrity gossip about you...
!!!


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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #432  
Old 01-14-2013, 08:43 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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So bizarre.
So, yesterday I got a third request to add "her" to the private poly fb group I started.
I had already ignored the previous two.
This time I asked Maca for her number and sent her a text. I let her know it was my group and that I had received the requests, but was under the impression she didn't want to to have anything to do with me or my life-thus why I hadn't approved it.

She replied with a wordy response basically saying she wanted to be able to socialize with her poly friends on fb.

I replied and let her know that if she wanted to meet for coffee to discuss the conflict and contention between us, we could then discuss her joining the group. If she preferred not to meet, I thought it best that we avoid intermixing our socializing insomuch as possible in such a small town. Adding that I would respect her choice either way.

Haven't heard a word since. I suspect that there will be fallout-but I'm confident that my response was reasonable and respectful while still maintaining my personal boundaries.
Oh, LR, LR!!! Can't you get into your noggin the lesson that this woman is so tirelessly (and selflessly) trying to teach you?! You SHOULDN'T HAVE any personal boundaries!

OK, I'm going to get serious now [ahem ahem]: You are instrumental in starting a pioneer group for Alaskan polys - membership open to anyone. This woman joins it and then (I don't know how much later) uses your group to spread bad feelings and false rumours about you to other members. Such bad feelings does she create that you leave the group that you helped to give birth to. Have I got that right?

Now you've started a fb poly group in which you maintain moderator status, so that you can OK or veto potential new members. She wants to join and gets 3 people to request her membership, tells you that she "want[s] to be able to socialize with her poly friends on fb". Sounds to me like stalking with intent to K.O. the "champ". Like she wants status and her way of getting it is to out-shoot the legend (or - less risky to herself - shoot the legend in the back). I had a nasty experience like that a year and a half ago (including the parallel that he got sexually involved with a woman I was romantically attached to... and bad-mouthed me to her), which I've shared elsewhere on this board.

I also once had an idea for a new group on a social network site, but asked somebody else to create and moderate it. She did so, named me co-moderator, and then (when I showed displeasure with some racist comments that she'd made to me [in private, using a Skype connection]) demoted me to normal member, then kicked me out of the group, blocked me from VIEWING the group (and from viewing her personal profile). [This isn't a case of "only friends can view": she designated me personally as persona non grata] This was on a social network dedicated to World Peace - which is one of the reasons that her racist comments shocked me.

Kindly inform this young woman who wants to take over your territory that there's plenty of space on fb for her to start her OWN goddamned fucking poly group to socialise with. Gently explain to the 3 already-members who have requested her membership the reasons why you don't want her there and tell them that you won't take it as a personal slight if they wish to join her group AS WELL.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
[from midnightsun's open letter to the group] The vision the original members had for this group was a beautiful, peaceful, loving one full of enlightened, open-minded and respectful individuals. What few may realize is that it's not the "ousted" people who are hurt most when [] told they don't belong here. They will move on and continue down their original paths, taking with them the benefit of their experience, wisdom, compassion and enlightenment... and this community will be the poorer for it.
(my boldface added) I will suggest yet another parallel to you here. And this time it's of global significance. It is my utter conviction that if Jesus Christ were to return to Earth today, he would have as little as possible to do with the "Christian" Church as possible. [Either that or he'd march into a few churches and overturn tables.] He'd walk away and start a NEW [much smaller] group, "taking with them the benefit of their experience, wisdom, compassion and enlightenment"... not to mention Love, self- and mutual-respect, and rejection of prejudices.

Have a hug from me, Dear One!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 01-14-2013 at 08:46 PM.
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  #433  
Old 01-15-2013, 03:47 AM
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I tried that Mr. Right.
The bottom line is that she made it impossible for me to participate and retain any semblance of sanity-because I refuse to participate in the ongoing badmouthing.
SO I deleted my fb group, quit the meet up group and am limiting my poly-socializing to here and the few friends I have made that aren't at all involved with her.

As much as I would like to support the community as a whole; I have more important things to do (like school) than fight against her harassment and stalking.
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  #434  
Old 01-15-2013, 04:41 AM
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As much as I would like to support the community as a whole; I have more important things to do (like school) than fight against her harassment and stalking.
Yup. It takes strength to choose non-action. I'm so glad you are taking care of YOUR needs FIRST.

GG
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  #435  
Old 01-15-2013, 08:31 AM
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Today I started classes. It was 8 hours of frustration, but I figured out the program we're using for my online math class. I also finished almost every assignment for the week in Life-Span.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment. Where to begin? I don't even know what to say to her. Sigh. So much has happened over the holidays while I haven't seen her. It seems impossible to begin to say what's wrong and where to go from here in our work!

While I'm at counseling Maca will have SourPea at the dentist deciding what to do with the tooth she broke in her fall Saturday. Fun fun fun.

Then-more math.
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  #436  
Old 01-17-2013, 08:51 AM
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I want MY OWN HOME. When the kids are grown, I want a little home-that is JUST MINE. One bedroom with a magnificent full bath in it. One small guest bedroom and bathroom. A small kitchen and a breakfast nook. A “study” and a deck. A fireplace in my bedroom and one in the living room as well.
I want to decorate it with that which moves me most deeply. Photos, prints, papers, colors, fabrics that speak to my heart and of course-books.

I want it to be warm, cozy, friendly, loving space. I want my loves to feel welcomed there at any time. I want my grown children to feel welcome there at any time. I want my grandchildren to feel welcome coming and spending the night at grandma’s, baking cookies, playing with toys, painting, crafting, working in the garden, sunbathing on the deck.

I want it to feel inspirational, to motivate me to release my inner artist. Whether through my writing or through painting or through sketching or designing, crocheting or even sewing. I want it to resonate throughout with “Loving Radiance” energy.

But, I want it to be MINE.

I don’t want “our home”.

I want “our property”. They can have homes of their own on the property, designed as they wish, decked out with whatever it is that moves them.

I love them. I love them both. But I feel stifled within the confines of our joint home. I feel I am stagnating between exhausting battles for self growth. I feel I can’t spread my wings to the fullest of their width. I can’t be the woman that they want and need me to be-to either of them. I can’t offer them my full love and power, because I can’t tap into it due to the confines that come with sharing our space so intimately.
I believe with all of my heart, that if I had my own home; they could finally see and experience me for who I am in full, who I was meant to be, the full power of the woman they love, the depth of devotion I have for them and the strength of my love and commitment to them. They could see the real me. Instead of only seeing the me that struggles to survive within the confines and limitations that are placed upon me within the confines of their home…
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  #437  
Old 01-17-2013, 09:04 AM
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Non-action does take strength.
I'm still fighting the hurt and the resentment over losing my ability to be part of the poly community or the LGBT community (which I've spent 3 years volunteering in and working my ass off for).
But-the only way to stop-is to leave. I can't make her stop, I can go the legal route-but it won't stop the drama, just change it.

My teeth grind over my resentment about Maca's blase (don't know how to make the funny mark over the e) response. I truly believe partners are meant to protect each other-not just themselves and each time I find that this isn't necessarily a joint belief-I return to this teeth grinding lesson that in fact-we don't see relationships (any type of relationships) the same way.

I can choose to accept or I can leave. But, I can't change him either.

I saw my counselor yesterday. She agreed with me that the best move for now-is to step out of the groups and refocus my attention on my kids and education. That's enough to keep me busy for a certain.
She also told me that as far as she is concerned there is no point in joint counseling before we've gotten in 6-8 months of individual therapy.

Tonight was our relationship discussion day. last week he informed me he wanted to do counseling-and asked me to talk to my counselor.
So today, I let him know what she said. He feels that there isn't anything he needs help with. THAT would be the primary reason marriage counseling won't work. Unless BOTH parties feel there is something that they need help with-there isn't going to be help. I didn't fling out there the OBVIOUS topics-like his ongoing issues with insecurity (which started long before me) or the way he assumes I am trying to manipulate him or "get one up on him" as he puts it-every time I say anything (which kills the possibility of open communication). Why? Because there's no point in bringing it up.
If he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him-there isn't a damn reason to waste the $200 a week on therapy for him or for us.
Where does that leave me?
I'm not sure yet. I know I am going to continue with my therapy. My goals with her are to work on creating sane, reasonable personal boundaries and learn how to better communicate their existence AND uphold them. Manage my anxiety (which tends to crop up worst when he's on a roll about me being crazy) and depression (always hits during winter).

I did tell him tonight-8 pm is NOT a good time for these (pointlessly circular) conversations about our relationship. I understand he needs some "cool off time" after getting home from work. But I need some "cool off time" after these conversations before I can go to sleep. So, while HE is asleep now (midnight) I am ANYTHING BUT asleep. Sleeping pill was taking (what a waste) but can't possibly touch the frustration, resentment, anxiety and general sense of hopelessness that follows these damn talks. I need a couple of hours to get "right minded" again. He can either pick another day or time or we can just forego them. Because as it stands-they are more destructive for me than they are helpful to anyone.
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  #438  
Old 01-18-2013, 11:42 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I want MY OWN HOME. When the kids are grown, I want a little home-that is JUST MINE. One bedroom with a magnificent full bath in it. One small guest bedroom and bathroom. A small kitchen and a breakfast nook. A “study” and a deck. A fireplace in my bedroom and one in the living room as well.
I want to decorate it with that which moves me most deeply. Photos, prints, papers, colors, fabrics that speak to my heart and of course-books.[...]

But, I want it to be MINE.

I don’t want “our home”.

I want “our property”. [...]
I believe with all of my heart, that if I had my own home; they could finally see and experience me for who I am in full, who I was meant to be, the full power of the woman they love, the depth of devotion I have for them and the strength of my love and commitment to them. They could see the real me. Instead of only seeing the me that struggles to survive within the confines and limitations that are placed upon me within the confines of their home…
This is a perfect cue for me to recommend my favourite adult novel of all time: Marge Piercy's "Woman On The Edge Of Time". The best blueprint that I know of for a healthy society - and every adult has their own space. You come out and share when you feel like it [most of the time] but you've got your OWN space to retreat to... and anyone who enters it does so at your invitation and on your terms.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #439  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:07 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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My teeth grind over my resentment about Maca's blase (don't know how to make the funny mark over the e) response.
OK, small detail to start with. U.S. keyboards probably don't offer an easy solution. If you compose your posts in Word®, click on "insert" > "symbols" > é. If you're lucky, down below the symbol chart, it should give you a short cut for doing this in future, so that you no longer have to compose in Word®. (If it doesn't, you should be able to invent your own... but make sure that you're not using one that's already a keyboard code for some other operation!) I can't give you the short-cut, because I'm using a Spanish keyboard, and the short-cut's probably different. (Aside from which, é is a standard on this keyboard anyway: ´ followed by e. But I used Word® to get the ®.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
[My counselor] also told me that as far as she is concerned there is no point in joint counseling before we've gotten in 6-8 months of individual therapy.

Tonight was our relationship discussion day. last week he informed me he wanted to do counseling-and asked me to talk to my counselor.
So today, I let him know what she said. He feels that there isn't anything he needs help with. THAT would be the primary reason marriage counseling won't work.
I'm afraid that I've been over-hasty in judging Maca in the past, but if he really believes that the ONLY thing that he needs to work on is the relationship, he's off-base. Relationships don't usually need therapy UNLESS there are individual issues underlying. And - surely by now even Maca accepts this is true - he HAS got a history of denial.

As to 8pm suiting him but not you, it reminds me of that old chestnut of the man turning over and snoring without giving a thought to the fact that the woman has to lie on the sticky patch on the sheet. A relationship means GIVE AND TAKE!

May your dreams come true. (And about the book: I KNOW that you're busy, busy, busy! But make some time, even if it's in small patches, sitting on the toilet, or whatever. It's well worth reading!)
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #440  
Old 01-18-2013, 10:09 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I readthat book a couple of months ago! It was so amazing considering the society created that way! I really enjoyed it and felt inspired by it!!

More later.
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