Just LR

[LovingRadiance]

Venting seems to be the story of the weekend. I wrote a couple vent posts on my personal blog (link in signature).
I feel better having gotten them out.

Now, I'm off to school for the "campus kickoff".
I'm emotional about this-because last year it was a lot of fun with a friend I met at school.
This year she's dead. So clearly, won't be in attendance.

Sigh

Off we go.

[LovingRadiance]

As we've traveled this path of poly, I've become more and more conscious of the depths of honesty.
Most people THINK they are honest.
But, my experience has shown me that this isn't true.

Much of my life, what I thought was "honest" was really a million lies (mostly lies of omission) strung together! The largest quantity being lies to the self.

I've found in the last few years, as we've worked our asses off to re-train ourselves to be truly and thoroughly honest with ourselves, with each other and with the world-that my tolerance for deceit has eroded.
To the point where now I find myself sick to my stomach every time (and its really too frequent to count) people outside of our relationship dynamic either point out their own dishonesty or ask me to keep their 'secrets'.

Tonight was no exception.
I took SourPea to the park. She needed some outside time and even though it was only 54 F outside, wind howling-I felt sympathy for her-so I we went to the park.
I got a text explaining the details of a friend's suicide attempt (from his stepparent). This in and of itself wasn't news to me. The details yes, that he tried, no. Anyway, what bothered me was the comment that the stepparent wasn't telling the parent... because "he'd flip"... well, YEAH, no shit. But... still, its dishonest and who gave you that right?
Sigh....

[CielDuMatin]

LR, I can totally relate to what you wrote, here - my tolerance for anything but complete honesty has really dropped over the past few years - I have seen too many folks building "little white lies" into their lives, often justifying it because they don't want to make life complicated, but I have suspected that it was more along the lines of just not wanting to deal with the messiness of it.

I had a case recently of someone telling me something that had hitherto been a secret involving another friend (details deliberately remaining obscure). I worried about what would happen as a consequence of the truth coming out, but realised that I could not keep a secret like that. I independently verified that it was the truth and told it to the necessary people. It was very tough to do, but it was the right thing to do.

So many folks build a web of "little lies" around themselves. The problem with this is that the little lies can too easily turn into the big ones. I made a decision a while back that I was not going to live my life this way.

[LovingRadiance]

That is precisely my frustration Ciel! I made the decision when I told Maca I was poly, that I would not lie again to him. Within a few weeks it becamme obvious to me that I needed to really get down and dirty with myself. How could I avoid lying to him unless I stopped lying to myself!?
That quickly morphed into realizing that if I was going to manage to be fully honest and open with myself and him, I was going to have to be honest with the kids.
Ultimately, I think it was less than a month when we all realized (Maca,GG and I) that the only way this honesty thing was going to work was if it was all of the way. Honesty with everyone and about everything.

And- sometimes its been really scary. But frankly its been such a relief! The 25th of this month will be 3 years!
I really can't even believe I just wrote that! I remember reading about RP and Monos first anniversary and basling my eyes out over how hopeless our future seemed!
Anyway, its been so amazing, living honestly! Just surviving the terrifying moments would have been great. But the bonding, the sense of true acceptance that we've found together. We haven't denied our true selves. But we have been able to feel the acceptance from each other because we aren't hiding our true selves either.
Maca is honest that living with GG isn't his preference, but the choice he makes for the benefit of the whole. That one detail is so huge, that he can accept the love and desire to have GG near that the kids and I have, even though he doesn't share that.
Obviously, anyone who pays a lick of attention to dates, knows that we are still a 'work in progress'. But, I can't fathom going back to living in lies. The 'smallest' lies often create the biggest strife. If we hadn't found honesty, true and sincere honesty, we couldn't have gotten this far. We certainly wouldn't be as happy and hopeful as we are!

Now I want to limit my exposure to people who aren't like minded in that. I don't give a rip if they are poly, mono, straight, crooked (hehe) etc. just HONEST!!

[LovingRadiance]

Happy poly moments.
Yesterday, busy day. While GG was entertaining the kids Maca and I ran off and made love. Then he took a nap. GG and I cuddled and kissed and shared a relaxed, deeply connected loving hour.

It was hectic, getting ready for fil to arrive (exciting for all of us, we all adore him). Maca woke up and took the kids for a short 4 wheeler ride. GG and made love.

Exciting and delightful to have time with both in one crazy day!

Then I showered and later in the evening Maca and I drove to the airport and got dad.

This morning Maca texted me a copy of an invite to meet another poly lady in our area. He had replied that he'd be interested in meeting after he returns from hunting camp, for coffee, if she's willing to meet with both of us.

I thanked him for keeping me posted. (thats been an issue in the past)
Then I giggled. Because, he'd been fighting against dealing with the conflictual issues with the last lady (for months). He was afraid of ruining his 'last opportunity'. He finally dealt with that, which definitely helped he and I, seems to have also improved the situation with them (unsure still where that will lead) AND someone else is interested.
It really pays to be right with your world. i know its nerve racking when you don't know how things will work out, but its really important to be right with your world. Things flow so much more smoothly!

[GalaGirl]

Honesty with everyone and about everything. And sometimes its been really scary. But frankly its been such a relief!

That moved me to comment. Aye. Just hard truth it to me! SO much easier to deal in. Whatever I feel, I feel but what I KNOW? I freakin' know where I stand then!

I value honest, direct, up front input. Speak your Truth to me, if even at a whisper. I cannot mind reader.

GG

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

That moved me to comment. Aye. Just hard truth it to me! SO much easier to deal in. Whatever I feel, I feel but what I KNOW? I freakin' know where I stand then!

I value honest, direct, up front input. Speak your Truth to me, if even at a whisper. I cannot mind reader.

GG

Yes!! Exactly!! No matter how hard it is, I would rather deal with the truth!

[LovingRadiance]

3 days of struggling with neck pain. Today I took a pain pill. That made me sensitive and emotional (did help the pain). I realized I was being emotionally ridiculous and came to bed.
Posted on fb about it. A friend (known 25yrs) comments hoping i feel better. I explain i will, just the drugs, i dont handle them well. With a smart remark 'in some circles thats a good thing' he replies 'rather you do circles than lines'.
I cracked up laughing. Totally re-tracked my brain into hysterical laughter.

THAT is why having good, solid, lont time friends is SO awesome! How can you not love them?

[LovingRadiance]

Maca is off at hunting camp with Sweet Pea and dad. they are having lots of fun.
I took advantage of my alone time this evening to get some writing done. Some was just for me and my own entertainment, some was for the purpose of sharing my thoughts with Maca (via my personal blog). All of it helped me to center myself.
I also took time to peruse our current boundary agreements. They are admittedly written more 'long hand' than Galagirls. Lol! But, they do cover all the bases.
September is our month to 'reassess' and potentially renegotiate (every 3 months), which is what provoked me going over them. I am primarily content with them, no changes I feel I need. But, our agreement focuses primarily on others. I would like to add to the beginning a mission statement of sorts for us. I think I would like to incorporate into it some of the concepts that Galagirl hs addressed so well on here!
It isn't because I feel we are failing to do these things, but, like one of her posts points out, I too like to hear it, see it. I like the reminders. I would find it reassuring to be able to glance at our agreement, especially in times fraught with stress, and read a clear cut paragraph detailing what our commitment to each other is. It's been so vague and unspecified since I cheated.

I hope when Maca returns home we will have a chance to curl up together in bed and framework that.

I did not write in the blog (which he reads-this one he generally does not) that so much has progressed within our personal relationship that I find myself strongly interested in returning to discussion to the topic of our D/s and what safe steps forward we can make.

We didn't pull back from it completely. But, we did back up significantly with the breaches of trust in our basic relationship. It is impossible for me to gives full trust to him with D/s if he is lying (even by omission) in any aspect of our relationship. This includes self disclosure to me regarding his needs.

These things I require for my safety. Without them I was forced to pull back in D/s. it's been a long wait. Over a year. But, much progress and change has happened. I think I am ready to renegotiate hard and soft limits for D/s. i just need to sit down and establish where I think I am at, what my current hard limits are, a timeframe for renegotiating (not sure 3 months is realistic atm, may need to be weekly or monthly for awhile), and soft limits with a lost of desirable activities and fequency.
Then, give it to him for consideration before discussion.

Much food for thought this month.

[LovingRadiance]

Lol! I just got the call, I'm going to be a grammy again! it's still secret, so I can't share on fb or with the family. But, I had to tell someone, so you guys get the news first.