Just LR

[LovingRadiance]

Yesterday was a rough day. I was emotional and moody.
I figured some things out for myself, which was good, but it was hard emotional shit.

In the evening Maca and I went to the Brandi Carlile concert. THAT was awesome and I greatly enjoyed it (as well as the dinner before hand). We had a good talk on the drive in and the drive out.
I went to sleep more peaceful and happy.

[CielDuMatin]

LR, I don't get a load of time to read a lot of the blogs, but given the recent discussions we've been having on various threads, I thought I would dip into here.

I have a suggestion - sort of a way of thinking and the actions that may come out of that. Not sure whether it will fit with your dynamic, but I thought I would put it out there....

Each time someone new comes into the constellation that you have, the dynamics are going to change - you have different personalities involved. Each person has their own set of needs, wants, likes and boundaries. Trying to make your currently negotiated set fit with this new person may be a real challenge. Pressure is then put on people to "ignore" certain things, and the games begin.

You have a 3 month timeframe to do a review of your negotiations - to see what still applies, where the pressure points are, and work out as a group what needs to be changed, yes? Maybe that should be reset when someone one new joins. Schedule your usual type of meeting, but with the new person - everyone gets out on the table what they need out of this, and what their boundaries are - everything is first-hand and folks get a chance to have a clarifying discussion about any potential places of dissonance.

If the are conflicting needs and boundaries and no solution can be found, then really there's not a lot of hope for it working, because those will ALWAYS nag at you. If you can reach an agreement then the pressure will be off because everyone will be going into it knowing their needs and concerns have been heard.

You then reset the 3 months clock to start at that point in time.

Anyway, just a thought....

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

You have a 3 month timeframe to do a review of your negotiations - to see what still applies, where the pressure points are, and work out as a group what needs to be changed, yes? Maybe that should be reset when someone one new joins.
Anyway, just a thought

We actually have a 3 month OR if someone new joins agreement. But, I've found that only works if the new person actually is willing to sit and talk honestly TOGETHER.

This last roll around, well, she talked to him, she talked to me, but what she said (and mine was all in writing via email) was COMPLETELY contradictory.

To be frank-I think it was a combination of him not knowing what the hell HE really wants AND her not knowing what she really wants. While that isn't unreasonable-it does make it damn near impossible for any of hte rest of us to work with them-when they can't even honestly say what's going on.

You know?

But, I do agree, it's imperative that when a new person enters the picture, they have an opportunity to participate in a discussion on the boundaries and possible changes etc.

My biggest frustration is that if they don't want to meet (which is CERTAINLY their privilege) then THEY REALLY SHOULD NOT BE BITCHING about the fact that he can't come negotiate on their behalf until the 3 month time. (Nor can I-but as I move slower and more methodically, it hasn't ever been an issue on my end).

I mean SERIOUSLY-
if you want to be treated with equal consideration-
THEN GET OFF YOUR ASS
and treat us with equal consideration (us being the rest of us metamours you don't want to fuck)
and COME SIT DOWN AND TALK.

If you're too (whatever word you want to fill in here) to come talk-
don't bitch over the fact that you ARE NOT PART OF THE GROUP and therefore since you are CHOOSING not to be-you don't get a vote!

Ok, that vent felt SO nice.

Anyway C-I think you rock. I really love reading the things you write and in my time away from the board I've thought often of things you had written before and missed reading your thoughts!
They always make me consider my stance, reconsider and really think. I LOVE that!

[CielDuMatin]

Awww, thank you for the kind words - I just lit off on someone in another thread, so it was good to come here and learn that in some small way I have helped someone with the stuff I spew.

I agree that if you're not part of the process, you shouldn't have any expectation to be represented in the result.

Self-knowledge is a powerful requirement in effective relationships. It's amazing what the get-togethers and in-depth discussions can do to help clarify some of this. When we get together to discuss stuff, there are usually lots of clarifying questions, and often quite a few things that are put aside, so that they can be reflected upon, because they caused us to think and examine how we feel. I don't think that anybody fully knows themselves, and I think that people do evolve over time. We need to embrace that and work together to help everyone be the best that they want to be.

If someone doesn't want to sit down and talk about this stuff, then I would be questioning what else is going on that would make them feel like they don't want to or can't.

[MrFarFromRight]

Hey LR!
I've got 13 minutes before I need to disconnect (or I get blocked from this library connection for a month!), so I haven't got time to read much, much less digest. Just wanted to say that I'm glad to see that you're back, that GG and Maca are still playing the game decently, and that you're (despite sorrows and depressions) on form. A big hug and
MFFR

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks Mr Right.

I needed the break, but it's nice to "see so many old friends" again.
I may disappear again when fall semester hits. Because I have an hour drive to class, 3 days a week. BLECH! Then of course, class and an hour drive home again. SIGH! But, it's a class I need for my degree.

We had a good "poly weekend". We all worked our butts off on the deck. The old deck is out (was rotting) and the wood burned off. The new deck is halfway in. It's 30 feet one way and 25 or so the other way. It's a huge deck. Been a big job.

SourPea told Maca "I like when we all work together like this" and it was a smiley moment for everyone.

[LovingRadiance]

Camping weekend.
Maca and I have been readdressing the ongoing issue of nothing being addressed with the other lady.

It REALLY bothers me when problems get swept under the carpet. It simply infuriates me. It is in fact MORE upsetting to me than most any other issue in and of itself.

So, the fact that they have decided they will be 'just friends' and that will suddenly mean that no apologies for the SHITTY way I was treated, the SHITTY things that were said about me (which were untrue) and the breach of boundaries just does NOT work for me.

I WOULD RATHER they simply face the music-say I'm sorry, and then date. Changing their relationship status to "friends" does NOT in anyway make amends for the behavior.

Sigh.

Not planning to discuss this over the weekend. But, Monday Maca leaves for an out of town job and I can't help but feel some anxiety that YET AGAIN it's going to get pushed aside and not addressed, while they continue their ongoing playful, giddy relationship via text/email/phone-without addressing the consequences of their actions.

[CielDuMatin]

Ugh, hate it when things don't get resolved and folks have to be away from each other.

I would definitely make sure that there is a conversation about how the actions made you feel and what can be done in future to avoid this happening again.

[redpepper]

I'm much like you in this way LR. I decided to practice letting it go and seeing what happens. Its actually been an interesting lesson in letting go of control. Who knew?! turns out people resolve stuff without me being involved. I just have to trust that they have my best interest at heart and are doing it there way. I can't say I will always stand back and just let it be, but its proved useful in ways I didn't expect. Just a thought.

[LovingRadiance]

so far, Maca and I've managed to figure out a few solutions for our stuff. He signed up for my blog to be emailed to him-and has actually started reading it. that alone creates a lot more undersatnding for him of what is going on in/with me.

I'm hoping it will also eventually result in us TALKING about some of it-because I still feel very much out of touch with who HE is and what HE is feeling/thinking etc.

But-one step at a time.

As for resolving the other; she's out of town for a month-and he's out of town for 2 weeks. So I don't expect that's going anywhere in the meantime.