Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-06-2012, 03:17 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Yes, it was 2 year ago this May. That was Bert (Brittany). She was my oldest daughters best friend. She killed herself 2 days prior to graduation.
She came here, spent the day, then said goodbye in a peculiar way to both the little ones and went home and hung herself out her window.

I fight myself because I start to wonder if I shoulda coulda woulda that day.
Our son commented on the peculiarity of her goodbye. She was supposed to be going home to dress and we were all meeting at the girls mutual friends graduation which was that evening.
We actually drove past her apartment on our way "just in case".
and it was too late.

She hadn't been gone more than an hour.

This one, there wasn't any warning like that. This one was a friend from school. She and my oldest had struck up a mutual crush. They had a date scheduled for June 20th. But she never showed up. My duaghter was so upset. She kept calling and texting her. The morning of the 21st (my youngest daughters bday), my friend's mom called my daughter to tell her, she'd found her dead in their garage the night before. No idea what TIME she did it-but she did it sometime after they talked at midnight the night of the 19th, to confirm their date and before midnight the 20th.


I'm so tired of watching these kids give up.

But, I'm also struggling with guilt and a whole slew of other bad emotions-because I know, mid-winter, that's precisely where I am.
I just can't handle it.
This last winter was particularly bad.
I'm glad I was clear to the guys that I really wasn't ok.

But, I nearly had to be hospitalized, it was that bad.

I don't want to be the one who leaves everyone behind wondering.
But, even though I'm clear-headed right now and know that-
I can just as clearly remember how incapable of knowing that I am when the depression hits.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 12:25 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Sometimes I feel so fucking ass backwards.

My quiet, peace comes from time with GG. Time we haven't had all damn summer, cause in the summer he works days AND he's been working a fuckload of overtime (something I resent as he doesn't get paid overtime).

I love Maca, but our relationship is so different. There's so many additional obligations we share and so much more tension, sexual tension, anxiety tension. Some good, some bad.
But, either which way-it's not relaxing.

It's kind of like the difference (I imagine) between cocaine and marijuana. One is relaxing and slows things down. The other is energizing and speeds things up.

Anyway, I read through the boards and other various places and feel like my relationships are backwards, which in and of itself is not a big deal (who gives a shit? I have both).
But, right now I don't feel like I have both.

Actually, I really don't feel like I have either. Can't place my finger on the precise breakdown of connection-but I really feel like I'm free-floating and I'm lonely.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 03:16 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,863

Sorry you are feeling this way.
No answers or advise - just sitting with you via the internet.

I recall a description in a book I read where someone was able to see connections between people (I read a lot of sci-fi - I'm thinking the Homecoming series by Orson Scott Card) and there was this passage where they were describing that there were all of these lines of energy - connections between people - leading to this person but they were cut off just at the point where they would be touching the person. So all the lines were there but the person couldn't see/feel them and felt isolated.

Maybe the lines are there and there is something unresolved that is affecting your perception? Are your people talking to you in "love languages" that you don't hear so well? Are there other people/things/activities you can turn to for the peace that you find with GG so you can appreciate the energy from Maca more? We often read here that one argument for poly is that one person can't be "everything" for another person. Perhaps it is also that one person can be "that thing" (their part) for a person ALL of the time?

Just some random thoughts from a sympathetic stranger. I don't let too many people into my life - so when one of my people is "off" for some reason it ripples through everything.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 03:24 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

it's absolutely true that no one can be their role ALL of the time. I know I can't either. Too many kids! HAHA.

In regards to GG-it's a time thing. Another month and the regular school year will start, and we'll be back to having our 5 mornings a week together. But, its wearing on me. It's been 1 morning a month or 0 since April. We're both feeling it. He commented on it this evening too.
There's no doubt we're still in love etc etc. It's just that we need our time and we haven't been able to have it because of his ridiculous work schedule. Such as it goes-it's temporary if highly frustrating.

As for Maca- there's always a lot going on. But, in particular this week he's been out of ADD medication which means he's running helter skelter and oblivious while simultaneously being more sensitive to anything upsetting for him. So, his insecurities are at an all time high and his attentiveness to other people's needs is at an all time low.
Fortunately, he got the prescription today, so tomorrow he should be back on his meds. It's freaking AMAZING what a difference that makes.

All of this added to the death of a friend from school 3 weeks ago, finals being next week for summer classes, and my daughters work schedule being suddenly changed this week so she needed extra help with the grandson-including two overnights.

I'm exhausted and worn out and needy.

The good news is-that all of these things is temporary (except the death) and I will get through them. The bad news it-it takes time.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 12:40 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,474

Ugh, GG working overtime and Maca off his meds sounds awful, hon. Add in finals and a sad death and more babysitting... very stressful! Hang in there!

Sometimes life gives us too much to handle. I do not believe "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Sometimes it makes us feel weak and depressed and even our immune system can be affected and cause actual physical illness!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 05:36 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,703

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Actually, I really don't feel like I have either. Can't place my finger on the precise breakdown of connection-but I really feel like I'm free-floating and I'm lonely.
Change in routine! I'm kinda in the same place right now. Dreading going to an event that I've been really looking forward to because I'm feeling stressed and disconnected from my family.

I'm not a "touch" person either, but find that I get anxious when I don't get his touch because I know that is HIS love language. So when he isn't touching, I feel as if he is pulling away and it makes me anxious and depressed. When I start feeling this way, I have to stop myself, take a step back and ask myself "instead of touching, has he been doing things that fall under my love language instead? Did he do the dishes, did he do the laundry or fix the kids bike?" usually the answer is yes.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 06:00 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Ugh, GG working overtime and Maca off his meds sounds awful, hon. Add in finals and a sad death and more babysitting... very stressful! Hang in there!

Sometimes life gives us too much to handle. I do not believe "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Sometimes it makes us feel weak and depressed and even our immune system can be affected and cause actual physical illness!
Yeah-I know. My body is amazing at telling me when things are out of whack! I'm counting days. Maca should have picked up his meds today. I don't have to babysit this weekend AND I get to go camping without the kids-because my sister and GG offered to split the weekend keeping the kids.
I got a 100% on my latest school paper (giving me a 98% for the class so far) and I'm done with this weeks homework.
So that means a whole weekend break from responsibilities.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2012, 11:43 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Timing is such a battle in my life. I swear the fates find it amusing to give me multiple conflicting issues to handle simultaneously.

So, the last few months have been bizarrely mild and agreeable on the poly-front. Bizarre-because it's been like 5 months without ANY poly-drama. WHich is new (and wonderful) in our life.

But, that 5 months began just after a nightmare drama over the winter.

Maca had met a girl-she's 12 years younger than me (he's older than me). She's a nice girl.
But her poly and our poly are VERY VERY different.

They met online last August or September. At that time, we had (at his request) a boundary about not dating anyone under 25 (which she was). He saw her profile on OKC and told me he was going to send her a short message regarding being careful in our area about people who proclaim to be poly-but tend to be like sharks feeding when it comes to new young bi women.
That made reasonable sense to me in light of the some of the frighteningly creepy shit we've seen go down.

Unbeknownst to me, they continued to converse.
I found out in October.

Then, in December they wanted to meet in person and their first meeting was ended with a kiss.
That broke multiple boundary agreements and I was t'd off.

In January she was introduced to me. I found out they'd been sharing naked photos and sexually explicit conversations for some time.
again, broken boundries.

Suffice it to say by the time it got around to her telling me she didn't think I was poly because I wasn't in love with falling in love and wasn't open to considering more lovers-I was close to ready to fly off the handle.
But, when she took the step of telling me that Maca wasn't the person I know him to be, that he'd changed and that I needed to accept the "new" him... I was done.

All hell broke loose between Maca and I after I wrote her an email letting her know that she was wrong and that it was inappropriate of her to suggest she knew him better than I did after a hand full of face to face meetings.

Fighting ensued for 2 months. Severe fighting.
He wanted to do away with several boundaries. I didn't want to even discuss it on account of the fact that boundaries were broken.

I understand that you can't dictate when a persons emotions will get involved, but I don't believe that is an excuse for allowing yourself to behave out of line of your agreements. It's much like "I was drunk" as an excuse. I don't give a DAMN if you are drunk or not-you are still responsible for your actions.

Finally, we managed to pin down a boundary list with some honesty and openness that hadn't been there previously. But, something happened in the interim between the two of them (I don't know what) and they quit talking.

In June she contacted him via text and through a series of bizarre happenstance things-I ended up reading the texts (not behind his back) before him. They were particularly caustic and hateful remarks about me. I didn't rise to the occasion. In fact, I just put the phone away and let him handle it however he saw fit (no idea what that was).
The following day, we were at a public event and she asked to meet with him privately. I was looking for him and he told me he was at the corner waiting for her as she wanted to talk. I was a little annoyed he hadn't said so to begin with-as it seemed rude not to say "hey honey, I'm going to be off meeting with XYZ for a few. I'll meet you in 1/2 hour." But, realized there wasn't a point in making a stink about it and ruining an otherwise good day.

They spoke-it was evidently heated and she basically said she was done with him. (I'm sure there was more that wasn't shared with me for my benefit).

He and I left alone (GG was nice enough to keep the kids for us) and spoke briefly about how upsetting the whole scenario was.


A couple weeks ago she texts him a link to a song-it's a goodbye song. she basically tells him she wants nothing to do with him again.

(dramafest or what? That was already addressed!)


yesterday she texts him while we're out to dinner wanting to know if he will make time to talk with her.

He tells me at that point, that she'd texted him a week or so ago because she saw us out-and commented to him that he looked happy. But the conversation had gotten caustic at that point as well.

They talked via text for a bit last night.

I happen to know by way of our own conversations that he's very hurt by her brush off, especially so since it came simultaneously to his gf moving out of state and then writing him off. He's feeling old, unattractive, unwanted and generally pissy because "it all comes easy" for me (with GG) but he has "nothing".


But-there's a lot of unresolved b.s. here.
I believe in allowing people to learn from their mistakes and I believe that they should be free to discuss what the fuck their issues are and how to fix them.

At the same time, I'm not ok with them moving forward as anything more than friends. PARTICULARLY not until amends have been made for the way I have been treated through this shit.
I have no issue with her doing poly her way-in her life. But, if she's wanting to date my partner, and our lifestyle isn't the same as hers-then they both need to adddress those differences and find a way to respect both.

(our boundaries are much more strict than hers are).

It's not acceptable to me that just because making out with friends is ok with HER-that it doesn't matter if she makes out with Maca-because it's NOT ok with him (if I do it) and it's not ok with me for him to do.

I had previously expressed (in Feb) that I wasn't ok with them moving forward at all-until our boundaries were addressed in full. But, he wasn't ok with going over them with her-because he knew she wouldn't like them.

Frankly-I don't care if she likes them or not.
Our boundaries allow for us to renegotiate them at 3 month intervals. If she wants to participate in the discussion-that's fine, when that time comes around.

But-one of the reasons we set it up that way-Is that I got SICK AND TIRED of Maca making boundries for his comfort-that limited GG and I; only to want to get rid of them when there was a woman in his life.

In my opinion, the boundaries were acceptable to him when he wasn't seeing someone, then he should date someone WITH those boundaries in place for a bit-experience the limitations himself.

It infuriates me that the boundaries he wants changed when he has a woman in his life-he wants put back in place when he doesn't. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to our relationship and it's not fair to GG and my relationship with him either.

It's bullshit to say "we can only have one other partner" (which means noone new for me) when he's single. But, when he has a girlfriend suddenly we can consider two-but when she leaves him we're back to one again.

It's bullshit to say it's ok to kiss friends/potentials so you can decide if there is a "connection" when he's wanting to.
But, it's not ok when he has no one to consider.

Those things aren't HER responsibility to hold him accountable for.
But, I do feel its my right to hold him accountable for them.

I don't want this to be another fucking drama.

But, damn it-why is it so hard to consider BEFORE you act?
Why is it so hard to think, "it would be easier for me to handle their relationship if this rule were in place, but am I willing to FOLLOW THIS RULE if I have someone" before making random rules?
why should it be acceptable to make strict rules binding my relationship with my boyfriend-that you are only going to do away with if you have a girlfriend-because they are too strict to "reasonably allow your relationship to blossom"....

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-14-2012, 03:59 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Oh dear, that's tough stuff ... I wouldn't even argue about this personally. Boundaries are in place, I acted according to them, my partner has to act according to them, end of story. I would expect people who are new to poly discover these problems and am really amazed that you two are having issues with this still. And I am really sorry that you have been treated like this. Why does Macca tolerate a person in his life who attacks you constantly? He has to see that he is inviting drama there.

What is his reasoning behind those demands for double standards?
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
Old 07-17-2012, 05:34 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I have no idea.
I can't begin to explain why he gets so caught up in NRE (everytime) that he breaks boundaries.

His double standard is because he wants what he wants when he wants it-but he never wants to share me. Period.

As for her drama-hell if I know.

We had it out Friday night.
We went camping-for our 13th anniversary. We went round and round it was nasty-and ended up back home by 2 am.

It was regarding the b.s. with her needing to be cleared up. A lot of shit was said. I won't repeat.

Saturday he apologized for getting caught up in NRE with her (in detail) and breaking boundaries-and airing his frustrations to her all winter (which resulted in her nasty attitude towards me) without giving her the WHOLE story for each incident he vented to her about.
Much of the issues were related to my severe Seasonal Depression. I was suicidal and valiantly reaching out for help-but winter really isn't good for me, it's been getting worse each year and the meds don't help. It was a HORRIBLE winter and I nearly ended up self-admitted, in the psych ward at the hospital.

But-she got the "he was frustrated and at his wits end" versions of all of the issues.

ANYWAY-they're talking via text. No idea if they are going to meet up or not face to face.

It's summer-so all in all I'm doing ok psychologically.

We did finally get to talk this weekend about my NEED to connect emotionally in order to feel connected and while I understand he NEEDS to connect Sexually (which I enjoy also) it isn't enough for me and if I'm going to ensure he gets the sexual connection I also need him to ensure I get the emotional connection.
I think I finally managed to express myself in a way that made sense without coming across bitchy (wonders may never cease, I'm much better at being a bitch)

We've managed since Saturday (when we rehashed the argument Friday-minus the bullshit) to get back on track with getting our needs met and addressed how things can move forward regarding her-and how they can not> (Specifically they can't move forward involving me socially until he clears up with her the misinformation that came to be reality on account of him venting one sided information and confidential info to her about me).

So, they're talking. Who knows where that will go. I'm not worried about it as much now that we've gotten straight where things stand with me and us.

But-I'll be posting about it I'm sure.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote

commitment, family oriented, love, lovingradiance, progress, v formation, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:26 AM.