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  #91  
Old 04-16-2011, 05:52 AM
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Hi Maca, I hope you don't mind some feedback from me. When you say you can't break through the hurt and anger, I understand and can relate to it. But most of the time, there is a reason why we keep negative feelings around instead of feeling them and letting them burn out. It's like picking at a scab again and again. Because we get something out of it. So, maybe you might want to ask yourself what you get out of revisiting and holding onto the hurt and anger.

Most of the time, it's about stuff like not losing a sense of control over a situation. Do you think if you let it go, you would be dashed to bits and not have any authority in your relationship?

Or we hold onto anger because we feel "right" about being angry, justified, and if we let it go, we lose that indignant righteousness that pumped us up a little bit. It can be an almost addictive kind of satisfaction to feel righteous about something. But in life we basically have two choices: to be right or be alive. To have aliveness means letting go of the need to be right.

I say this to be helpful. I think it's sad that you cannot be as accepting of GG as LR is of your girlfriend. The fact that you even have this girlfriend tells me the hurt and anger you hold onto is a choice you're making, not a response in the moment anymore. Do you get what I'm saying? It will take a lot of work, but when you love someone and the family you've created with them, wouldn't it be worth it to stop being so angry and hurt? You can choose that, you know -- and ultimately that means you'd really be in control instead of controlled by the anger and hurt you keep around. You would be free.

(((Hugs to you & all of you)))
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-16-2011 at 05:57 AM.
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  #92  
Old 04-16-2011, 06:29 AM
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When you have a scab that is annoying you and you keep picking at it what do you do? You put a bandaid on it. You remove it from your sight and work on healing the wound.

From the time that they started the affair he was always near. Always LR had a thing for him going. He has lived in our house for years and years. I spent the first several years taking care of him financially while he was at home trying to help LR school the kids. We never had a chance to heal our relationship. Always a reminder right there. Its not even about him being a bad guy. He would be a friend if he wasnt/hadnt slept with LR while we were not poly.

It really does make a difference to me that LR and I move into other partners as a team. I know, I know everyone is going to say ... "Well the reality is GG and LR didnt start a romantic dynamic in the open, they cheated and lied,but there not anymore, so get over it already and move on. " God I wish it was that easy. Ive tried.

Some people see my back and forth emotional state as being unstable and having personal "issues". The fact of it is, what your seeing ( or rather reading about) is the struggle I have every day that I have to face them as lovers. Some days I manage to work through it , but the scar and the pain is refreshened. Other days the accumaltion of the past few weeks overwhelms me and I crack open like an egg dropped from the top of a ladder.

I do have a very competitive side to me, its one of the reasons LR fell in love with me. I protect that which I care about and I hold on tightly to that which I love. More reasons why LR fell in love with me. The same reasons that she fell in love with me our the reasons that we I cant forgive and get over GG. A different time,place and circumstance things would be completely different.

I dont know what to do anymore. I know that LR has made promises and commitments to GG and she wont break those.But how do I live and not break my promises and commitments to LR with this Ever Presistent Pain?


Maca
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  #93  
Old 04-16-2011, 08:21 AM
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Hi Maca, nice to meet you,

I think it's good when couples can communicate together via a blog but out of respect to LR I won't keep responding unless she comes on and says she's OK with it.

I will say that it sounds to me like you never worked through all the pain when you first found out about their affair. You thought you had no choice but to accept GG and that has just festered under the surface all this time. I found it much easier to come to terms with my partner's other relationship after he said he would give it up if I couldn't deal with it. When I got to that point he did try and give it up, he gave it a really good go but it seemed that just his honest attempt to try was enough for me to be able to turn around my coping mechanisms.

I sense you feel like you were the only one of the three of you feeling the pain over LR's relationship with CG. By you moving out the pain has been shared. Maybe this is your starting point? I don't know, other people's issues always seem more clear than one's own.

I wish you all (all three of you) the very best.
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  #94  
Old 04-16-2011, 02:02 PM
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Hugs Maca,

What I have learned in trying to repair my own marriage is that we basically have to start from scratch. Which really kinda sucks, because it's much more fun at the beginning when NRE is in full swing. It's like we are getting to know each other all over again, sure he knows that I don't like mustard, it only took him 12 years to figure that out , but we have had to stop assuming anything about each other. Sometimes I feel like walking in the door and introducing myself "Hi, I'm SN. It looks like we are going to be living together. What in the hell are we supposed to do and how do we do it? OMG, there are how many kids, at WHAT ages? "

We actually have to sit down and have discussions on simple stuff. Stuff we always thought each other knew about us and how we function, our goals (for the year, for life and for the kids). It has helped, because when we don't stop ourselves from assuming we end up back in a huge fight about the past, which makes both of us feel like any progress we have made was just tossed out the window.

The visions I had about marriage and my life have been tossed out the window. Now it time to sit down, and say this is what I have to work with, this is what I want, how do I put it all together and make it function. Is it possible? Probably, but not in any typical traditional format. Stepping back can be helpful in the long run.

Hugs and support to both you and LR. Marriage itself is a bitch, one sitting on top of a volcano is even trickier.
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  #95  
Old 04-16-2011, 03:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
He is a good guy, him and I get along just fine when its not involving LR. We work well as a team. There is just to much that is wrong with me, I cant break through the hurt and anger.

As for the weekend Daddy thing. You have no idea the tears I shed at night. The lump that forms in my throat every time I have to say good bye to them. The hour long drive back to my lonely one room apt feels like walking through a fire pit that is covered in broken glass. There is really nothing more for me to say.


Maca
Ach sweetie read these sentences. You wrote them. Read them.

Just stop the insanity of living in regret and remorse and anger and hate. You have got 9- count em 9 people committed to you and your tribe.

No one is judging YOU- just some of your behaviors. And not judging in an accusatory way just in a dumbfounded way. You are a sexy, strong, hardworking, loving man. Just don't go all Charlie Sheen and love destructively- or violently. It ain't winning Mr. Competitor.

Take a page from someone who does know you (Mono). Be happy in all the little moments. Don't dwell on the "what should be's" That is a control issue. You may be LR's Dom but you aren't life's Dom. Sometimes YOU have to get over it to get what YOU want. Love and peace to you darling. Glad you read along on here. Good to know you aren't completely disconnected. Hugs.

MG
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  #96  
Old 04-17-2011, 02:19 PM
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Is it financially unthinkable at this point for all of you to get into a housing arrangement LR has talked about as her dream situation, where GG would live on his own, LR and Maca would have their own apartment and your eldest with grand baby her own, but everyone would live in close proximity to one another?

I'm thinking of re-modeling a farm or maybe buying a row of houses somewhere a bit isolated. Some such are available every now and then.
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  #97  
Old 04-18-2011, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
This is LR's thread and Im not even sure its polite of me to write in it, but Ill answer a few questions and maybe help Mr get a better idea of the Father I am. [...] As for the weekend Daddy thing. You have no idea the tears I shed at night. The lump that forms in my throat every time I have to say good bye to them. The hour long drive back to my lonely one room apt feels like walking through a fire pit that is covered in broken glass. Mr, I know that your smitten with LR, she is easy to get smitten with. You should step back a bit and think about how much you know about me, from me, before you form your opinions of me and then make them public. There is really nothing more for me to say.


Maca
Maca, I owe you an apology. A few days ago, I spent a few hours formulating a new thread to be entitled "Sniping, point-scoring, and jumping to conclusions on polyamory.com". It then got moved into an already begun thread. My post is here. I followed it up with a 2nd post which started out: "To forestall accusations that Iím a hypocrite, that I myself am guilty of attacking or belittling others on this board, allow me to state: [...]"

And you've caught me out. I wasn't attacking you directly, but I was jumping to conclusions about you on LR's thread... and that's even worse. So not only do I owe you an apology, I owe you a public apology.

I'm sorry. I know how it feels to be separated from children that you love. It's happened to me, too.

I sincerely hope that it works out for ALL of you.

MrPutMyFootInMyMouth
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  #98  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I'm wondering if Maca 'hating' GG is how his discomfort with your relationship is
manifesting? In other words your relationship isn't failing because he hates GG but Maca hates GG because your relationship with him failing.

You obviously really miss Maca. When a relationship has reached it's conclusion you don't miss them, you're relieved to have them gone (my experience anyway) If I was you I would ask him how he is, and what he wants for his life. I would try and love him for Maca the person and not Maca the partner.
I would agree about him hating GG because our relationship is "failing", not the other way around. But-he is dead set that the only reason our relationship is failing is because of GG.

Also-I agree on the last part. I have asked him (repeatedly) and again this morning what it is that HE wants and what HE needs etc. He says he wants to be happy, secure and to trust me. But, he won't give me any more than that.

He told me Friday he wanted me to put my relationship with GG on hold for 6 months. I agreed, including agreeing to move out-so that I'm not living with GG-even though that means leaving our kids with GG and Mimi and neither myself or Maca living here.

But-that didn't help. He threw it in my face that I'm "just goign through the motions"... Accused me of "playing with his head" as well.

Today he tells me he wasn't being fair or reasonable and that he takes back his request....

In the meantime, the kids are a wreck, Mimi and GG are both pissed off beyond belief about the whole thing (particularly the back and forth decisions), my brother is ticked off about beign asked if I can stay there and then rescheduled adn rescheduled and then cancelled-because of the wishy washy back and forth...

It's INSANITY.

Furthermore-the agreement was that he was goign to do therapy WEEKLY-but he hasn't been even one time since he moved out.
He was goign to work on his relationship wtih GG-just the two fo them. He won't even TALK to him.


HE says he wants to be a part of this family-doesn't want to take GG away from the kids or me, doesn't want to keep fighting etc.. but he won't STICK to the necessary steps to GET TO THAT POINT.

He makes a decision, then changes his mind as soon as the hard work starts. Repeatedly.
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  #99  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:46 AM
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I'm sorry, LR. That sounds really tough being stuck in a kind of relationship purgatory not knowing which way things are going. I hope that soon, all the parties involved can reach a good decision and get going down the path. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your household.
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  #100  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:50 AM
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FYI-
I have no issue with any of you talking to Maca in this blog. It's our marriage, it's our life and I think it would be silly to try to have separate blogs-in this case.
The advise can be used by both of us-so it's silly to make people write it twice.
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