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  #11  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:26 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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Hrm.
She is an ex from his high school days.
I could have some foolish bias against prior relationships.
But whatever the issue, I agree I need to reevaluate my stance, and continue our communication on this topic.

I am nervous to do this.
We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.
One of the things we said in our relationship is no rules no stipulations. Only be considerate and exercise communication and protection. He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants.
So if I back off and say don't do it near me, I'm putting myself in a spot where I can't share in their happiness and must strain myself regularly to be okay with it. If I say no, whether or not he listens, I am being inconsiderate and selfish.

In a book I am reading, it fortifies the importance of regarding new relationships with a positive outlook. That my partner loves me enough to want to share his experiences with me. That it is usually met with hesitancy and doubt. And that succumbing to jealous feelings is falling back on bad habits learned from unspoken rules of monogamy. It sets me up for expectation and I resent the unfavoring results.

I am truly trying to better myself in this situation without bringing them into every paranoid thought I'm going through. They don't even know i posted here. Heh. Some things I think are better left up to me. Well. And to all you who I am sharing this with I suppose. I thank you for discussing this sensitive matter with me. Kinda feeling likes there's so much pressure that I must be alright with her or I am going to suffer because he will anyway and he will suffer because I won't enjoy it.

All because I am paranoid of things I shouldn't be.
I am failing to take personal responsibility by the way I am handling this matter. And I want to change this outlook. I will readdress this matter with him after I've thought about your posts a bit and see how I want to approach this.

Thank you for being supportive in this everyone. I'm sorry if I loaded any of you with drama.
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  #12  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:38 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My stance is this to Thy own self be true. Nobody will look out for you better than you.

He has basically told you I do not care about your needs. It is all about his wants and you can go sit and spin if you do not like it. What kind of boyfriend is that?
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  #13  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:38 PM
london london is offline
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Is this a "primary' relationship because youve agreed that you will share primary style entanglemrnts like a home, kids and finances?

Anyway, I always believe that one has to trust their partner. That means trusting they wont let anyone else harm your relationship. Setting rules about who, how and when they spend time with someone doesn't allow them to prove that they can handle their relationships and responsibilities ethically. Often, they'll fail when pressured to do things someone else's way. If they're unable to handle things, as much as it sucks, it probably means you'd be better off apart. They might want to learn to do things differently to keep you or they might decide their lifestyle makes them happier than your relationship does.
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  #14  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:57 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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We've become primaries because we wanted it that way. We are wanting to commit to one another. We've discussed future marriage at some point but. He is still unsure about it and we are both not in an ideal financial spot to make it happen.

We connect so well. We work together wonderfully and are essentially also best friends. When our NRE wore a bit it didn't fade our interests in one another but took us to a whole new level of love.

Despite this, I find it hard to just trust him. We aren't engaged, we aren't married. We are looking into domestic partnership though. We live together and are combining our finances. Neither of us want kids.

But. She can offer him things I can't. To that perspective, perhaps the fear of loss is taking me away from my general place of love and integrity. So maybe it is jealously that causes my negative feelings.

Ugh.

Well. I agree setting rules is not the best way to go. Combatting this mentality though, have there been ways of thinking that helped any of you work through jealousy or bad feelings?
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  #15  
Old 11-12-2013, 05:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.
This bothers me.

How is he ADDING to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? It seems dismissive/ inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create emotionally safe space for you.

How long have you all been together anyway?

Say he plunges on and guess what? You like her. Nothing horrible happens. You might end up liking your meta fine.

Except... he plunged on without taking your concerns seriously. You end up feeling like he's not trustworthy. This makes him a great polypartner HOW?

The ends wouldn't justify the means. Sigh.

Quote:
One of the things we said in our relationship is no rules no stipulations. Only be considerate and exercise communication and protection.
How is him being willing to ignore your discomfort him being considerate, communicative and protective of you or of trust you share between you?

Quote:
He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants.
In any ol' way? Or while maintaining your trust, goodwill and blessing?

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is still solid and stable, that is one thing.

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is in the toilet -- that's another.

Is he going all "kid in the candy store" or something?
  • ASK what he plans to to to continue to nurture/cultivate his relationship with you while dates the other person.
  • ASK if he is willing to meet your needs in this transitional time to help make the transition easier on you.

If he's not giving you a yummy sounding offer/promise? If he is not willing/able to meet your needs? Could not agree to participate in polyship with him this way.
Disappointing maybe, but straight up and you can move on from there. That's better than endless run around!

I am sorry you are dealing in this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2013 at 05:11 PM.
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  #16  
Old 11-12-2013, 05:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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There are many aspects to this kind of situation.

How long have you and bf been together? You don't know him well enough to trust him? You're afraid this girl (an ex of his) will bring drama? Has he told you negative things about her from the past?

Seems he feels he has unfinished business with her? You could just love him and stand by and let him work it out. There's a chance it won't last long between him and her.

When I was first with my present gf, we were poly from the start. I was just out of a 30 year mono marriage though and still felt I needed to explore many people. I know she didn't think all of the guys I dated were really stellar, but they brought experiences to my life I needed to have. As long as I was physically safe, miss pixi stood by me and learned more about me from what I was needing to learn about my heart, my sex and kink interests, my freedom from monogamy, etc., with these men. For my part, I spent loads of time with her (while continuing to see others), dating, romancing, sexing, cuddling, cooking, just enjoying the hell out of each other. Heck, I still had NRE for her while seeing the other people, so it wasn't a chore to be with her!

Since you say you and your bf do not have rules, a veto is out of the question. But you still need reassurance you and he are OK while he dates this ex of his and goes where his heart is taking him.

So... yeah. What Gala Girl says. Ask for what you need to feel emotionally safe. Other than "dump that bitch."
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  #17  
Old 11-12-2013, 06:05 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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He and I (heh, his nickname is pixy actually) have been together 5 months. Connected on so many levels. He was in the process of coming out of a 14yr marriage. Divorce papers were signed before we even met.
His ex wife and I met and we are fine with each other.

He admitted he had some issues being honest with her during their relationship. She was very controlling and manipulative. It turned into them deciding they wanted different things. So they split. We met. We had sparks. We wanted to take things slow but ended up kinda rushing into things as certain situations occured so our nre wore a couple months in. But. not that there isn't passion there or anything, just into a deeper love and affection. A more meaningful connection.

He said going forward with me, he wants to be completely honest and open and not feel like he can't be himself.

I suppose it is him being inconsiderate saying he would date her anyway. But. How am I being considerate telling him he shouldn't?
And they are both respecting my concerns by waiting. They still talk and flirt a little. And we are still going to hang out with her. But they agreed not to get romantic. He said he wants to take things slow with her. But he said that to me...and we become so close in such a short time.

But let's say they wait, we hang with her, and maybe a month goes by and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?
It's horrible of me. I can't do that to my partner.
Risk it and get reassured if/when he comes back to me?
If I love him, let him go type of thing?
If I have this bad feeling with only her? If other women come into play with the same levels of affection and I'm content with them?


I want to overcome this bad feeling. I want him to be free and happy. But this feeling is driving me up the wall with a mix of fear and guilt. Very awkward place to be in.
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  #18  
Old 11-12-2013, 07:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle. Could decide to STOP struggling and ACT.

Quote:
But let's say they wait, we hang with her, and maybe a month goes by and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?
You seem to keep going round in circles with a lot of "what iffing" rather than talking about what boundaries there will be, and HOW you plan to move through this phase so it becomes him as the hinge of V shape polyship.

He could state his want to date this person. And what he would

a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for her to help in this transition
c) do for himself to help in this transition.
d) what he needs back from each of you


She could state her intent and her want to date him. And what she would
a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for him to help in this transition
c) do for herself to help in this transition.
d) what she needs back from each of you


You could state your willing and able to support them in this. And what you would

a) need from him to help you in this transition
b) need from her to help you in this transition
c) need from yourself to help you in this transition
d) will do for each of them


So far? All of those are colored red for "still pending." None are green for "good to go" because there's conversation that isn't seeming to happen here. So everyone can know what to expect, could hold each other and themselves accountable to agreements made for a transitional time, and move through the transition in an emotionally safe way so all can feel good at the outcome.

If all those things in red become green and are compatible -- yay! Proceed! If not? Do not proceed.

Have them LIST what their wants/needs are from you. Then YOU determine if these are behaviors you are actually willing and able to do or not.
Have them LIST what needs of yours they are willing to meet for you. Then YOU determine if these behaviors are acceptable or not to you.

That combo determines the big picture of answer of "I will still participate in this polyship while you date her."

To do it the other way of "Yeah, Go ahead. Date" without knowing what actual behavior to expect from him, her, or you? That's stepping into the big unknown and only serves to keep you cranked up. Nobody likes stepping into the void.

BREATHE. Calm down, have the conversation you need to have to assess what is being offered to you here. Then decide if it is a yummy enough offer that you will accept it and will be willing to go there. Otherwise... don't go there there. DO NOT participate any more.

You seem to worry you cannot deliver unspoken expectations of you. And you cannot. Nobody is a magical mind reader. Find OUT what is going to be expected of you and determine if this is something you are willing and able to do or not. If you are not sure? Have a vote of "no confidence?" That is not a joyful yes. So those could count as "no." There. Decision made. Anything less than "joyful yes" is NOT a "yes."

It really and truly is that simple to do -- TALK. Decide. Do.

It might not be easy to FEEL, but the actions are clear. If you want to be free of this feeling, you could take positive action and move it forward. Talk to your people. Then make the decisions you need to make based on the information gathered. Then do whatever plan you decide ultimately -- whether it is to go ahead or bow out.

That gets you moving out of the yuck. You can do this!

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2013 at 09:07 PM.
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  #19  
Old 11-12-2013, 08:14 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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Thank you all so much!
I will move forward and focus my efforts on stronger communication than worry and doubt.
I appreciate all the perspectives everyone!
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  #20  
Old 11-13-2013, 02:38 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
How is he ADDING to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? It seems dismissive/ inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create emotionally safe space for you.
See, I don't think that being firm about the fact you will not be permitting vetoes is a bad thing at all. The OP should take a leaf out of his book when it comes to establishing boundaries.
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