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  #1  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:18 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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Hi everyone,

I'm having trouble letting go of jealous feelings. My partner and I are poly primaries. Our relationship hasn't had much time to really have a solid foundation though. We don't have answers for our relationship yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.
And I asked him and her both to wait for any romance until I'm ready too. But in the meantime I'm stuck with these negative feelings that I haven't found a way to surpass. She wants to be close to him romantically. Now, I can't tell if its this alone that bothers me or if its this with her specifically.
With his other gfs and dates (not that it happens often) I've connected with them quite well and thus have no concerns or bad feelings from him seeing them. It generally brings me joy and excitement.
But this is our first case with an unattached woman. She's never tried poly and has her own stuff going on. And while she is friendly and sweet, I get a negative feeling about this.
I've been trying to determine if I'm just succumbing to jealousy or if I'm just following a gut feeling and should sort of veto her if it doesn't change.
If I did veto her, would that even be fair of me to do based on nothing but a bad feeling?
Is there another perspective to this I may just be missing?
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Old 11-11-2013, 07:10 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Personally, I find the veto to be extremely controlling and indicative of insecurities.

How would you feel if you started to have feelings for a man or woman and HE told you, nope, you can't see him/her cuz I just don't like the person?

If it's just a bad feeling, that doesn't seem like enough of a reason to make him get rid of her. I'm sensing, based on what you've said, that it's because this is the first woman to attach herself to him, without connecting to you.

What is it you're making them wait for...?
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:42 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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Well that's sort of my issue. I do think its unfair of me. But at the same time, it isn't fair to them if I don't know if I can handle it and they do become more invested... I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship before branching into new ones when we don't even have answers for our own.

But while we have both had experiences of having more than one love at once this is our first relationship where we are poly going in. He's not used to having the freedom to see people he wants and here I am freaking out.

I want to practice acceptance and engage this matter with an open heart but I am not experiencing any sort of compersion here and I simply feel awful about the way I'm handling this.

One of the biggest things in our relationship is communication. We've spoken a bit about this. But I wanted to reach out for other perspectives on handling these kinds of emotions.
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:50 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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I have had experiences in prior relationships where I felt something for others and my partner didn't like it. I respected that because I wanted my partner to be as happy for me as I was with the person. Not someone they had to force themselves to be ok with.
But I don't think that would be a fair expectation so I haven't really pushed for that.

Am I treating my partner poorly by needing time?
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:16 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Well my spouse and I dont really give each other veto power. there is one exboyfriend of mine that refer to as "black listed" cause J doesnt like the history there, and thats fine. but aside from that you date who you want to date.

Now, as far as being uncomfortable with the person... I've had issues between Nudge's wife and I. we have a hard time connecting, and I have a hard time being happy for them all the time. But this is my problem, not Nudges. granted, that is his spouse so its different...but I think it's the same feelings your talking about. I realize the problem is between Nudge's wife and i, and he should have to give up either of us cause that would be unfair to him. He loves us both, and she and I have to deal with any differences. We dont disrespect each other or do anything hostile, that would be diffrent case all together.
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:43 PM
teadaze teadaze is offline
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Well. My partner and I aren't married. We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship so I don't really have that added sense of security. But. I don't believe I should should base my security on something like that.

The more I think about this the more I'm thinking the reason I have an issue with her is because I'm not ready for this. But. My insecurity should make me all the more want to expose myself to these cases. I suppose I can't really become more secure by running away from the issue.

Thank you both for the replies.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:57 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't abide by telling my partners yay or nay to who they date.
HOWEVER-I absolutely DO abide by my right to not be around people who make me uncomfortable.
So in the scenario you describe-I would be point blank that I don't want anything to with her. They can do/be whatever it is that they want-but they need to keep it away from me.
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Our relationship hasn't had much time to really have a solid foundation though. We don't have answers for our relationship yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.
Quote:
I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship before branching into new ones when we don't even have answers for our own.
Quote:
We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship so I don't really have that added sense of security.
I notice that you have brought a variation of that theme up several times.

Could ask him simply --
"If you move on to date this woman concurrently, what time/behaviors will you be applying toward me/our relationship to help stabilize it during transition/NRE so I can feel emotionally safe during a time of changes? It isn't like we've done this before or have clocked mega history together to help offset yuck feelings. What kind of support/nurture can I expect from you?"


Then see if his answer helps give you the reassurance/confidence you need to be willing to risk it. If his answer is "meh" and you still don't feel reasurred or good about it?

Could make him aware of how you feel and ask if he's willing to meet your needs. Do not withold information from your partner. You don't seem to be saying NO... you seem to be saying GO SLOW.

You could tell him you aren't going to stop him seeing her, but you want to step back.

If that means not being around them when it is their time together, or leaving the entire polyship, or something in between to give you more time to adjust while giving them reassurance you are not foot dragging -- that's up to you all to determine the HOW of it.

But begins with your WILLING to participate in this polyship with him as a hinge or your NOT WILLING to participate to participate in this polyship.

YOU can choose that yourself.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-12-2013 at 04:41 AM.
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  #9  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I see three separate issues.

1) In my own experience, my gut is always right. The times I've tried to rationalize my way out of it and overridden my gut, it turns out I should have told my brain to STFU and followed my gut. I don't know your gut, but my guess is it's trying to tell you something.

2) BUT, that doesn't mean a veto is the best response. If your partner loves and trusts you, then you should be able to speak with him about your gut feeling and he shouldn't blow it off as jealousy. Maybe it's something about the way he's handling the situation. Maybe it's something about communication. In other words, it's not necessarily a "she's bad news, send her away" feeling... it could be a "something is wrong here, we need to fix it" feeling.

3) And since you already know something is wrong, i.e. you want to work on your partnership before adding people in the mix, and your partner is pushing to move things along faster than you're comfortable with, that's a good place to start.

---

So in other words, I wouldn't ignore the gut, but I wouldn't assume it's all her wrongness either. You need to move forwards from a place where you feel comfortable, and if he wants this all to work, he's got to respect that. If they're serious about each other, they'll both still be there after you and him work things out. If she can't wait for that, then she's not really serious about him. If he can't wait for that, then he's not really serious about you.
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:03 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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If you're relationship is not on solid ground how are you his primary.

That would make you one of the women he is dating.
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