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Old 11-11-2013, 02:58 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

My blog has tons about it. You're welcome to read to your hearts content. LOTS of info on my learning process in there regarding poly and life in general.

BUT a VERY VERY truncated version
-how I ended up cheating was that I wasn't getting what I needed emotionally from our relationship and nothing I said was getting through. After a couple of years, a traumatic scenario happened and I went to my best friend (who had been an on again/off again lover for years prior to the marriage) and one thing led to another (mostly me leading) and we ended up in bed.
Years of suffering, drama, ridiculous issues and much therapy later;
I know that my husband and I weren't communicating well (even though I thought we were). We had whole different personal definitions for things like love, marriage, honesty, commitment, friendship, relationship, responsibility. Quite seriously all of our conversation SOUNDED like we understood each other-but we were speaking completely different languages without knowing it-because our definitions weren't the same and we didn't know it.

Additionally-due to trauma in his childhood-he didn't trust women period. Or more succinctly, he trusted that all women WOULD screw over a man and only wanted men for their money. Period. It never occurred to him that there was any other possibility. So he flat COULD NOT comprehend why I wasn't happy with him; because he's an EXCELLENT financial provider. He REALLY didn't realize that I REALLY meant it when I said I didn't give a rip about his $$$.

I never thought lying was right in and of itself. I don't think most people do. But, I do think most people delude themselves into believing the various excuses for why any given lie is ok. I realized after nearly destroying my whole family-that lying isn't ok. Period. If I need to fart-I need to fart. Pretending otherwise is lying. Making excuses for why a lie is acceptable, only leads to making more excuses.
I didn't want to hurt him. I KNEW I Loved him. I didn't want a divorce. I didn't want to separate our kids. I didn't want to fail my stepson. BUT I needed to be cared for and he wasn't doing that in any functional way EXCEPT sex and money.
I knew I was a quality time person.
My affair-was primarily emotional for 10 years. But SERIOUSLY emotionally involved. We were and are deeply in love. It was sexual a half a dozen times over a 10 year period (same person). I got a need met and I allowed myself to believe that keeping it to myself was less hurtful than allowing my husband the freedom and right to decide for himself if he was ok with me having another lover.

I was wrong.

When I found out about polyamory-I cried and cried and cried. Then, I searched and found this board and started posting. A month later, I came completely clean (he did know I had cheated-but I had never admitted it), explained that I did love more than one person and I couldn't keep lying and live with myself.
I told him I would understand if he divorced me. But it wasn't what I wanted and I hoped he would give it 6 months of educating ourselves about other options before making a final decision.
He got rip roaring drunk and didn't speak to me for a week. Then the 2.5 year process of revenge and trying to work it out started. 2 stints of living apart, 6 months and 1 year; while dating each other. Bf lived here the whole time.
Every random and seemingly asinine rule he created-we followed. All of the passwords to every email account, facebook etc-he had. He was free to browse anything written anywhere etc.

Finally-he decided to forgive and truly let the past go. But-it took me spending 2.5 years never lying about ANYTHING or hiding ANYTHING. I don't lie or hide ANYTHING AT ALL. If I am wearing no underwear, even birthday presents and xmas presents-I didn't hide them or wrap them in advance. He had access to EVERY SINGLE THING I DID OR SAID OR WROTE ETC.

It was a huge life change and some people get REALLY offended. Because I'm point blank honest. I am out about poly because-to not be out would require me to lie by omission at the least. I don't do that.
I don't lie if someone asks me how the dress looks on them or if they are balding or WHATEVER.
I am HONEST. I try not to be BRUTALLY honest-I try to be considerately honest. But I don't lie.

Honestly-it wasn't a hard choice. What is hard, is listening to the myriad excuses people give for the various things that they "can't" be honest about.
What was hard-was knowing that all of the pain and anger and destruction-came from me not being willing to be honest from the beginning. YES there would have been hurt and anger and destruction that way too-but it would be different.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 11-11-2013, 07:27 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

To add another voice to the chorus, it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong. Your biggest sin is being a poor judge of character.

Why him? We'll, probably all the reasons you like him, and he's "there," and she probably assumed you wouldn't find out. But answer yourself this: would you have agreed to the arrangement if they'd asked you first? Your "why him" question comes across to me as though he was off-limits. And, maybe he was, but that could be a motivator for lying about it. Not an excuse mind you, but a possible explanation...

I wonder... does she realize what she's doing is wrong and do it anyway? Or does she find ways to justify her behavior and convince herself she's doing right? No way to know, really.

People can change, but they have to genuinely want it for themselves, and it's a lot of work.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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