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  #31  
Old 08-25-2014, 02:48 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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NO lol

Want to be with B
don't mind divorce if B wants to be with me
If B doesn't want to be with me I still want to be with my husband just not monogamous

The fear is being alone and loosing my husband to go after B which is uncertain

Yes I can divorce amicably and possibly still have a sexual and go out with husband while divorcing..... also I would hurt my kids and family
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  #32  
Old 08-25-2014, 03:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Everyone else has set their boundaries:

-Husband would continue the marriage, but does not want poly.
-B wants no part of the break up of your marriage, and will make no promises in regard to the future.

So, the only certain course not be alone is to be mono with your husband.

The only course to possibly have B in your life is to divorce and be alone - but there is still no guarantee.

Those are your choices.
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  #33  
Old 08-25-2014, 03:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
If B doesn't want to be with me I still want to be with my husband just not monogamous
How does that work when husband does not want polyshipping?

Quote:
The fear is being alone and loosing my husband to go after B which is uncertain
Husband is willing to be friends after divorce. He is not lost.

Do you mean you fear pursuing B and him still not wanting a romantic relationship with you? Not polydating and married you, not separated you, not even divorced and newly single you?

You do not want to go through changes to find yourself without a romantic partner/lover person? Not husband any more? And not B?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-25-2014 at 03:47 AM.
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  #34  
Old 08-25-2014, 12:31 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Default Thank u

I think this has been made clear enough.

I know what I need to do now.
I need to be without both and be alone

I need to start straightening out things for me and figuring out what I want.

I want B, that's why i tried with the whole separation thing and it backfired. The only way he'll probably reconsider is if the separation is very long term or I divorce. At this point I'm not sure if i can do that or want to But I have to try. It will either make things more possible with B or impossible if I find myself leaning back toward my husband.

I know I will be looking for some kind of connection during this trial period, what is the feedback on having a fwb during this trial period (not being my husband)?
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  #35  
Old 08-25-2014, 04:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I know some people will hang around with people they do not like, just to avoid being alone. I don't get this. Maybe you don't like yourself? Maybe you have abandonment issues? Could get some therapy to get healthier about being happy alone. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. Being around unsatisfactory people who don't please you can feel more lonely than actually being alone.

Don't ever leave one partner FOR another. Leave Partner 1 for your OWN health and well being. Once you are healthy and stronger, you will attract lovers. Someone better than B even! Forget about this soulmate stuff. It sounds like co-dependence is an issue here.

Divorce husband, get therapy, learn to love yourself, alone or in company. Your kids are adults and will deal. This is 2014, we don't need to stay married to keep up a facade of happiness. We don't owe anyone that! That's bullshit.

Frankly, B being drunk and asking for your help in some fundraiser sounds kinda icky. This situation calls for sober thought, not booze on his end, and manipulation on your end.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
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  #36  
Old 08-25-2014, 06:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I mean this kindly, ok?

Honestly? I think the less people involved in this drama the better.

I think sex share can easily lead to stronger feelings. Involving some other person in this triangle sounds like potential mess to me:
  • You don't sound like you are good at boundaries at this time to me... so keeping FWB as a FWB only? Not sure you can do that. Why risk more mess? Just for sex? Have friends, go out... but tread with caution there with taking on a third lover. Because then instead of having to pick from 2 guys, you could have to pick from 3 if you and FWB hit it off. You aren't especially decisive sounding with 2 on the line. I do not see how 3 on the line is easier.
  • What if the FWB is not a person of good character? I have doubts that healthy people are going to be attracted to this situation. Those that ARE attracted to this? I would be wondering exactly what they are after. You are in a vulnerable time and not eager to be alone...making you an easy target for whatever smooth talker that comes along that might have less than honorable intentions.

I am with Magdyln on seeking professional help.

To me you sound like you could need more help and support at this time as you sort your stuff than what Internet people could realistically help with.

Could seek counseling first, not a stop gap lover.

I am sorry you struggle. It is ok to be scared, unsure. Take it one thing at a time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-25-2014 at 08:52 PM.
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  #37  
Old 08-25-2014, 07:08 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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To me, bringing an FWB into the situation as you transition from being married to being divorced is worse than staying married or trying to push B into a relationship he's said he doesn't currently want, because you would be pulling a THIRD man into your current situation, and potentially into drama and complications he wouldn't want to handle.

If by "connection" you mean sexual... no. I wouldn't advise that during your transition time, because you run the risk of developing feelings or losing boundaries with yet another person. If you need sex... solo works. Not as much fun, maybe, but it works.

If by "connection" you mean support and someone to talk to... join a support group. Talk to platonic friends (I'm assuming you have some, which you may not; some don't, and that's okay). Talk to your adult child(ren); you'd be surprised, once a kid grows up and becomes an adult, how much help they can be to their parents if they're willing.

And definitely seek counseling, because it sounds--and I'm sorry if this is harsh--like you need to work on your self-esteem, on setting boundaries for yourself, and on respecting others' boundaries before you will be able to find and maintain a healthy sexual and/or romantic relationship.
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  #38  
Old 08-25-2014, 07:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Counseling sounds like a good idea.

Re: having a casual FWB during this trial period ... doesn't sound to me personally like a problem, unless of course you become overly dependent on the FWB. Just because you're single doesn't mean you can't have friends and a social life. Just means you're not tied down to any one particular relationship.

Might also be a good idea to have more conversations with B and "S2BX" to find out exactly where they stand on specific details. Watch out for assumptions, they have an amazing tendency to turn out being mistaken -- no matter how obvious they may seem. Don't assume anything. Ask the person (be it B or S2BX or whomever) and get direct confirmation (one way or the other).

I know it is scary to be on your own, but you can do this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #39  
Old 08-25-2014, 10:51 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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(((hugs)))

You're already living alone and managing, right? It sounds like it's more the idea of being single, a divorced woman, after being married for so long.

It's true, you will need to reinvent yourself. I have to, to an extent right now myself, when a relationship of only 2 1/2 years was taking a shape I didn't want. I had certain plans with my xbf, and now that is gone, I kind of feel rootless. But I am doing the best I can to accept. and feel my way through the grief, and heal. I still have a dear girlfriend, of course, so I am not at square one.

I know it is doable to reinvent oneself! I separated and divorced my husband a few years ago, but I was ready to not be his wife. We had been together since 1974, over 30 years. Separated in '08, divorced in '11. Happily, I am now living a much more authentic life. We'd matured in different directions. It happens. Life changes happen, people grow apart.

We tried to make it work, did therapy, etc., but couldn't stay together. Our divorce was nice and amicable from the insights we got from therapy.

It's kind of pointless to hold on to an idea, or delusion, that has played out. Staying married when it's not working anymore... the alternative, to be reborn, to live an authentic life, is so much healthier and happier! I split from my x h and lived alone for 4 years, even though I was lucky to find my dear gf shortly after my separation.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
I am in a somewhat new relationship with Luka
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  #40  
Old 08-31-2014, 07:21 PM
rdos rdos is offline
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Too me it doesn't look like any of the involved people are poly. Polywife12 is not poly herself because she was unable to keep her feelings for her husband when she fell in love with another man (B).

So for me this seems totally unrelated to polyamory. Seems more like a dirty history of monogamy and cheating.
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