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  #21  
Old 08-24-2014, 11:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Get your life In order before starting a relationship. Starting a relationship in a time of upheaval will make it that much harder for a relationship to stand the test of time.
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  #22  
Old 08-25-2014, 12:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I agree with KC43 and Dagferi. Get yourself sorted out first.

Quote:
How can I divorce someone who's always been there for me for someone who isn't there with an uncertain promise?
Could stop linking those two. Treat each section separately.

You could divorce someone because you longer want to be his wife. And yes. Divorce is final.... It means the end of the marital union. You could still be willing to be friends and still hang out with him post divorce or doing the coparenting you need to be doing. But could STOP being in a marriage you do not want. To free both you and him from the marital bond.

Quote:
How can you long for someone who is an uncertain promise?
You are already doing that. Nothing new.

Neither are you doing anything to make it more certain.

You are willing to date him at this time, like this. Separated but not divorced.

He is not willing to date you at this time like this. Because your marriage situation is not resolved. It is messy and you keep on pestering him while he is torn rather than attending to your business to become less messy to date. He does not want to cut you out ugly, but you won't leave him be either.

You told him if he returned the feelings you would move forward with the divorce. Maybe he does not want you to get a divorce FOR him. Get one if you need to for YOU but don't bring him into it. Respect his limit and do not talk to him until your marriage situation is resolved one way or another. Your husband does not want to polyship so definite resolution sounds like divorce to me.

So yes. If you do not want to be married, divorce the husband. Finish up with the old before trying to start something new with the love of your life soul mate BF. Will it work out? Who knows. But that comes AFTER you finish with the husband. You already found out it does not work concurrently.

And if the BF does not see himself dating you til two or three years into future, yes. It could mean you get a divorce to wrap up the old. Then you could choose to be on your own two or three years. Maybe dating others in the meanwhile, maybe not. Get stable again and not so wobbly wonky.

That is the price of admission at this time if you want another shot at relationship with the BF.

You could not get involved in the fundraiser just to be in his orbit. Instead tend to your business and wrap up what needs doing so you can be free to date him with no strings attached. Ask him out THEN.

Otherwise it could come off like you are a person who wants to use him as exit strategy from the husband or use the husband as the back up plan somehow... Or like you want the bf to tell you what to do. Neither is especially attractive to me. Maybe not to the bf either.

Are you able to see how it could seem that way?

I am sorry you continue to struggle with all this. But I encourage you to sort things out and stabilize first. Get rid of things you do not want. Like the marriage. Then go after things you do want. Like relationship with bf. In that order with healthy spaces in between.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-25-2014 at 01:16 AM.
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  #23  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:08 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Polywife12,

I just have one question:

What do you want to do?

I think I know what you want "B" to do. You want him to contact you, meet you, talk to you, be with you, and be one with you.

But what do you want yourself to do? right here and now, with things just as they are.

Assume that no one (except maybe you) is ever going to start doing anything differently than what they're doing right now. Then with that assumption in mind, ask yourself:

What do you want to do?

This is the thing you have to figure out, because there is a plethora of possible things you could do -- and just as many ways you could justify doing those things.

So nevermind all that justification for a moment. Just ask youself ... What do you want to do?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #24  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:30 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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How Kevin and Galagirl you both presented interesting points.

Kevin your right, I been thinking about what I want and honestly being alone scares the shit out of me. I do want B, but it's gotta be mutual. The only other thing I could do to make it more possible is divorce my husband, But I fear and not wanting to upset the family for the unknown is scary after 22 years of getting along with him:'( i would probably still want to be with my husband if I knew B was out of the question.

Therefore Galagirl, this is why I keep linking the two together. I enjoy my life with my husband but there are things about B that my husband cannot give me and I feel I need at this point in my life.

Thanks for giving me so much to consider. Just shows me more that this is not a decision I can make without truly separating from my husband. As it stands I see him every weekend and we go out to dinner sometimes even have sex, But it's not helping me to make a decision. My husband also thinks if I want B, we should offically divorce and we can remain friends. I really wouldn't have left my husband if I didn't meet and fall in love with B. But I did so I can't pretend I didn't......... I know that's not good cause he truly will be the reason for mydivorce if there is one, which I know B wants no part of. I think I'm just going to seperate myself from my husband as much as I can and see who I miss more.
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  #25  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:36 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Actually I'm confused on the point about (divorcing) your husband. Didn't you say B was polyamorous? If so, then B shouldn't mind if you stay married to your husband, should he?

Is this a matter of your husband not wanting you to be with B as long as you and your husband are still married?

I mean the whole point in polyamory is that one partner can bring some things to the table, while another partner can bring other things to the table. So, could you just keep your husband and have B as well? What's your take on that?
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  #26  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:44 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Yes, well both B and my husband don't want that kind of relationship any more. The thing is I know I'll never be completely happy with only my husband again. Which will deff weifh heavily when I spend time away trying to figure out what I want.

I would have no problem being monogamous with B though.
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  #27  
Old 08-25-2014, 01:45 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Which will definitely weigh heavily when I spend time away trying to figure out what I want.*
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  #28  
Old 08-25-2014, 02:04 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Ohhhh, okay; that does make a difference. Well then I do advise you to divorce your husband -- and it sounds like you can do so amicably, which is awesome. The two of you can still be friends and can even be there for each other when either of you gets in a jam. Is that right?

If your ... ex-husband (okay soon-to-be ex) becomes an occasional FWB, is that something you and/or B would have a problem with? (If the answer is "Yes," then sex with your soon-to-be ex would need to be terminated as well.)

Just do what you need to do to move on with your life and be happy, is the point. If you and B have a future together, great. But you already know your husband isn't the guy you really need, right?
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  #29  
Old 08-25-2014, 02:12 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Yes you are correct Kevin. We can still remain friends and as far as fwb with my soon to be ex. idk how B would feel about that But I assume if I'm with him then it would be an issue. But since I'm not with him he really doesn't get to have any say until something changes in our relationship.

Thank you for bringing up such good aspects to take under consideration.
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  #30  
Old 08-25-2014, 02:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Let me see if I get where this currently is at... You correct me if I get it wrong ok?
  • Neither husband or B want to be in polyship.
  • You do not want monoship with husband. You would prefer monoship with B.
  • B does not want to date you as a separated but not divorced person. Too weird for him.
  • Husband is ok with divorce and being friends.
  • You do not like the idea of being on your own for a time in between ending one relationship and starting another.

In other words, your preferences for transition are....
  • Be with B while divorcing husband to avoid being alone in transition.
  • If B is not up for that, then just stick with husband. Even though you are not happy married to husband and do not want monoship with him.
  • You rather be unhappy married to husband with his company than be scared learning how to be alone free of the marriage you do not want.
  • Even though being free of the marriage you do not want could help you eventually move forward with monoship with B...which you do want.

Is that where this is at this time?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-25-2014 at 03:18 AM.
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