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  #1  
Old 09-03-2014, 10:49 AM
alm alm is offline
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Default Fucked up, coming clean

So long story short... I always thought ppl were sexually non monogamous and socially monogamous... but i never ever ever entretained the idea of a REAL poly relationship until I met this girl... I was so enchanted from day one that I wanted in.. and she said the only way was if we were allowed to date/have sex with other people... I wasn't in love with the idea but i went ahead...

She asked after quite little time that she wanted to know whenever anything happened, whereas i played the "secretly pretending this is monogamy" game and say i wanted to stay oblivious... and this is where it gets messy...

For the first two months i went in 3 dates and actually had sex once... I didnt fell particulary good about it (i guess i was getting used to the idea)... and for whatever reason i was really scared of telling her... after i didnt tell her i basically felt in too deep, and if i had said anything she'd end up the relationship since I had lied...I was ready for it to happen (sex) from her side and i wanted to be "ready" (as in not out of options, because i was scared my ego would kill me... I was cheated once before and went on a crisis)

I guess this is rationalizing but i wasn't really ready too do it straight away... I would have loved to have a six months window or whatever... But i didn't... i dont consider myself a bad person and when in a "conventional" relationship i had never cheated......She ended up saying she wouldnt do it until X.Date so I'd get used to the idea (oh the irony)

Now I'm way further down the line and I'm plotted with guilt... i lied to her in a pretty obvious way, and I really love her, and obviously dont want this to be over... I feel I need to come clean at some point... question is when...she isn't particularly good at forigving dishonesty (i kept way smaller things and it was a big argument)...I've commited myself since to be 100% sincere in every possible aspect I can... but the damage is done...

So my plan was to give it a bit more time (I mean its been over 4 months since this happened... a bit later won't make a difference... I'll just have to live with my guilt...) and make this the best relationhsip i can, and be the best and most honest person I possibly can... and then come clean, when I feel I have given it my all...I guess thats my best chance of forgiveness and of mantaining the relationship...

So... advice? Please keep the "you cheated you are a dick" comments... I am aware of the situation... Even though I didn't feel so bad because i had convinced myself "we are open it's not cheated"... I hadn't really grasp the lying was what made it cheating for her...when I did the guilt started to set in...

does this seem like a plan? Should i come clean now? (we are having some issues and i would really rather wait until it settled a bit") Should I take this to the grave with me?... Is this an unforgivable sin or do u think if I show her how commited I am to be honest about it now I'd have a chance to not lose her?

Thanks a lot
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  #2  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:14 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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For me, full honesty is crucial. Unless there is some really major issue going on right now that needs to take priority for the mental/emotional/physical well-being of the both of you, I would plan to come clean as soon as possible.

I don't believe it's possible to truly love a person if you are hiding things from them. And I know that for me, the longer someone kept something from me, the more angry and betrayed I will feel about it, because that means that I've been operating under a farce for a long time. It makes it hard to trust my reality and the people close to me.

No one here can really say whether you will lose her or not. All you can do is take responsibility for the choices you've made. Be prepared to lose her, and be prepared to do a lot of work to rebuild trust and keep her.
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  #3  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:18 PM
alm alm is offline
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Thanks so much for your reply! I will make an appointment with a therapist to go through all the emotional baggage and come clean as soon as I can... I dont want to do it before some therapy sessions in, because i know i will enter a very very dark place if i lose her... I've been clinically depressed out of hurt in the past, and nobody i loved quite like this... But you are right, it isn't possible... and it's really killing me... I hope I get a therapy place soon...

I feel like such a terrible human being... And the thought of losing her is so incredibly tough...

thanks again!
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Old 09-03-2014, 02:23 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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If you keep punishing yourself and thinking of yourself as a terrible human being, you will keep acting in ways that support that viewpoint.

You are human. You were scared. You made some mistakes. You can always choose differently moving forward. If you would forgive someone else for the things you have done, why not forgive yourself?
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  #5  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Getting a therapist lined up first is a good idea so you have extra support. But do tell her soon.

Stop focussing on what you do not want. (Ex: Losing her)

Focus on what you DO want (ex: being honest, doing this poly thing with her the right way,getting back on track, etc)

Maybe you want to tell her with the therapist present after you have met with therapist a few times? Could you ask her to come to appt?

Tell her this:

Quote:
Even though I didn't feel so bad because i had convinced myself "we are open it's not cheating"... I hadn't really grasp the lying was what made it cheating for her...when I did the guilt started to set in...
Apologize, ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends. Tell her you want to return to being in right relationship with her. Ask if she is willing.

That is all you can do, and then wait for her answer.

I hope it works out.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2014 at 02:36 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:36 PM
alm alm is offline
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Thanks so much guys!

Yeah It's messier... I denied a coupled of times having had anything because i was so scared about losing her, and i knew she wouldnt mind about the sex, much less kissing... but I was so sure she would break things up and i was so terrified by that...I kissed someone a couple of days ago and I was scared of her reaction but i had sworn never to not tell again... I told like 5 days after it happened and we nearly broke up...

I could totally forgive someone else, but forgiving oneself is really hard... I could definitely forgive her about it, but she isnt'T me...
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  #7  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:37 PM
alm alm is offline
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I hope I get an appointment with the therapist soon...it's hard in germany
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  #8  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:41 PM
alm alm is offline
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Ridiculously, I hadnt felt bad about it for months, because i didnt really realized the implications it had for her...I guess i'll get the therapist and basically be sure that i will lose her...

Thank you for the replies
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  #9  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:55 PM
rdos rdos is offline
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I'll have to say I don't understand this. Why would one need to tell each others exactly what happens if there is a commitment to polyamory? Wouldn't that imply that both parties accept new connections?

I don't think I could live in a relationship where I'd need to tell everything that happens. That's not trust to me. That's excessive control.
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  #10  
Old 09-03-2014, 03:20 PM
alm alm is offline
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Well, she had her reasons to know, she had said she wanted to know... and I still didn't say anything... But I definitely covered up and lied... I don't think it was controlling... She wanted to know and I agreed...

The relationship was just really shaky, and we were fighting a lot... I know excuses... but I really wasn't ready to commit to this at that point and had hoped she would say... "You know i dont need anybody else..." I'm ready now... but it seems too late as I said...
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