Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-15-2009, 06:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,223
Default

I hate to rain on someone's parade, but this "Q" sounds more like a codependent child than an equal adult in this cozy arrangement. You say she's "young". You're 25. THAT's "young". For someone your age to refer to someone else as "young", implies that "Q" is like what, 18-ish? "Issues", lack of transportation, lack of earning power, etc... As an outsider, it appears to me as though "Q" has/had a good barter system going with these folks and decided to get back in line before the gravy train leaves the station.

And the part about the quad "solving" the problem of who gets "left out"... I'm not sure what to make of that. While I take your word for it that this couple are fine people, reading between the lines of your posts suggests to me that they have some issues between the two of them that need to be worked on.

If it were me, I'd probably wait until my kid was grown before I hitched my star to that particular galaxy.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-15-2009 at 06:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-15-2009, 09:53 PM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default

Q's 20, and yeah, I kind of think of her as a freeloader. I feel like she's hurt R & A more than she's helped, but they definitely don't see it that way. It's their relationship, so not really my problem.

No situation is perfect. Yeah, R doesn't have much to do when Q & A are together aside from feel bored & lonely. She's a VERY extraverted person, so when Q & A are having some alone time, she's ALONE, which she doesn't like. That's alleviated considerably if there's someone else there. Catch me?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-15-2009, 10:02 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,223
Default

I get what you are saying, but i personally believe that one must be comfortable and secure with being alone before being able to fully be part of a relationship, and that would seem to be even more so, the more complicated the relationship is (i.e. the more people that are involved).

However, there is a whole other thread about that on this forum somewhere, and it should come as no surprise that it was started by non other than yours truly!

( http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=593 )
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-15-2009, 10:35 PM
Barry Barry is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 35
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Creatress View Post
*
This really hurts. This hurts worse than when I came out as queer, worse than when I told her I was pregnant (and single). She's heartbroken. I miss being able to talk to her once or twice a week without feeling like a horrible person. How can I help her along through this?
I may be way off the mark here, but the issue that seemed to jump out at me in reading your posts are the conflicts you are feeling over trading a significant friendship and relationship with your Mom for lesser relationships based on adventure. It's situations like this that almost demand reigning it in and thinking on it awhile instead of acting on it. Just my thoughts. Wishing the best for you.

Barry
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-16-2009, 05:23 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default

I'm feeling a bit disrespected, here. That's probably my own "fault" for not providing all of the information, but there's SO MUCH information, that it's hard to know what's pertinent and what isn't.

Here's a bit of information about me. I'm a very intelligent, self-aware person, which means I can never do anything without doubting myself; I'm always wondering if a decision I'm making now stems from some emotional injury in my past or personality flaw. I'm not risk-averse, but I'm still pretty conservative with my choices, weighing my options carefully and providing at least two back-up plans for myself. If you're a MBTI person, I'm a strong INTJ, always thinking, always figuring out how various bits of information fit in together, always planning, always thinking, always running hypothetical scenarios out, and always, always thinking.

Yes, that means this choice has been ridiculously scary for me. So would any choice involving me moving. But shortly after I lost my job in April, I resumed a friendship with A & R, and it cultivated into love. I wouldn't have been able to do that had I not lost my job just when I did, because they're 2 hours earlier than I, and it requires me to stay up later to chat with them. The timing just seems too right to not be manipulated by the Universe to bring A & R back into my life, and what reason would that be for aside from giving me this chance?

I feel like my mom is holding me emotionally hostage in some ways. I'm supposed to stay here, nine hours away from her, taking care of myself and my daughter, being lonely as hell because no one wants to handle a poly, queer, activist, vegetarian single mother. So I find love in a really practically supportive environment with other people sharing the burdens of housework, childcare, and financial support, and she wants me to just walk away from all of the potential that that brings?

Anyway. I guess I'm just feeling like people are disregarding me, considering me young and foolish without fully accounting for the fact that if this choice pans out well, it will be amazing, and if it doesn't, I have a fallback plan that will put me no worse for wear aside from some moving expenses and a broken heart. It's worth the risk, for me.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-16-2009, 01:22 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,223
Default

We are just concerned about you going from the frying pan into the fire.

From what you just shared, I would now wonder if this couple A&R has a pattern of "taking in" single women who are in a "transitional period" (and the implications that come with that).

But realizing that your mother is 9 hours away... that's FAR, and shouldn't be considered that you're "leaving" her. However, when you have a kid, your life is no longer yours alone, and I'm just skeptical about jerking another individual who has no choice in the matter in and out of living situations that depend on factors beyond your own control.

Having said all that, it's your life and this (the US?) is still somewhat of a free country, so do whatever it is YOU want, not what strangers on a message board tell you to do. Just remember that when you come on a message board asking for advice, you may get other answers besides the ones you were looking for. In other words, if you were looking for affirmation only, you may get some input that makes you "feel disrespected".

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-16-2009 at 01:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-16-2009, 02:09 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

A common joy/problem in polyamory is NRE (new relationship energy). It can lead you to take bigger risks than you should. The rough rule of thumb is not to move in with a new lover, move away with someone or quit a job over someone until NRE has worn down a little. There are many bad stories of people getting in very deep into a relationship that works at first because everyone is in NRE. But as NRE wears off, things are not so good.

So there is some concern over that. However, this is just a rule of thumb to give the intellect time to catch up to the emotional. If you can lay it all down and have an exit plan, then I think you are doing well. It sounds like you are thinking this out very well, so I have a lot of hope for you finding a lot of happiness.

The only thing that sticks out is that you may feel that the univserse is setting up this arrangement for you. I think we just learn to take advantage of the changing circumstances in our lives. If you believe in the universe setting relationships up, I think you just also need to believe that it can teach you lessons through bad relationships. (I just worry that you may stick with something bad because you feel like the universe wants it to be so.)

I am sorry if any of this sounds disrepecting. It is not meant to be so. It is just concern. Once we know you better, we will understand your individualism much better and not make sweeping generalizations based on limited information.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-16-2009, 04:03 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,896
Default

As a general rule, I'm not a giver of advice. And I don't see this forum as primarily a place of giving and receiving advice. Rather, I see this forum as a place to help each other think through (and feel through) questions and issues in a generally supportive atmosphere -- and a place for the less experienced in polyamory to benefit from the wisdom of the more experienced.

... So some of my responses aren't so much advice, per se, as nudges to think about a situation in another light, with the hope that doing so might provide insight that will aide in making one's own decisions. That's why I ask questions like, "Are you sure you want to get in the middle when X doesn't like you?" [paraphrase]. The question isn't rhetorical! It isn't a bit of advice.

I think it is much better to support and encourage people in making their own informed and well-thought-through decisions in this forum, rather than to offer up something you might find in a newspaper advice collumn.

[added on edit]:

My "general rule" about advice-giving isn't inflexible, but typically I prefer to "advise" people to empower their own decision-making process, by saying things like "I'd recommend that you learn to improve your communication skills -- together, as a couple (or trupple (tripple?), as the case may be). None of us are able to place ourselves in another's shoes, exactly, so the best we can do is help and encourage and support each other in our efforts to grow, evolve, ... flower.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 08-16-2009 at 04:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:00 AM.