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  #31  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:01 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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...Wait a minute, they are on a board with hundreds of members, asking for advice, and they get ton of it, from well meaning people, and then they feel piled upon!
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Like Magdlyn I made a disastrous mistake also, I am not really able to talk about it still as it is too painful (really dedicated people can easily find out) but I would never, ever want any one to go through what I went through.
And that's just it. By and large, these arrangements explode like the Challenger. The fact that the most recent thread to trigger this conversation "again" was yet another "I don't understand why my unicorn story didn't have a happy ending" is only more evidence AGAINST this whole approach.

What kind of logic dictates:
Them: "I applied this label to myself. I went out seeking to fulfill my label. I fulfilled it, and then it crashed, and now I'm not happy. What went wrong?"
Me: "How about abandoning the label?"
Them: "DON'T JUDGE ME!"
?

Honestly, I don't believe it's wise for anyone to deliberately seek out specific relationship models, with rigid expectations and catastrophic consequences if things don't go exactly as planned. I think it's a bad idea for monos, polys, triads, and any other type of relationship model you can come up with. From all the relationships I have been in personally, observed in real life, and read about here and on other forums, it's become abundantly clear that the best relationships develop when you abandon your intent and just let life happen.

The other thing is that I think unicorn hunters delude themselves. They probably genuinely believe that they're a perfectly happy couple with no real issues to work on, and nothing but sugar and roses to share with their special woman. But c'mon. If you were that happy, you wouldn't feel the need to search, desperately, for someone to complete your family. You'd be too busy staring dotingly into each other's eyes to have time for spending hours and hours scouring the internet and local groups for this woman. So it's really no wonder that these things blow up, because nothing highlights major cracks in your foundation like building a second floor on your house.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-08-2013 at 10:04 AM.
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  #32  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:22 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I believe you could be right, SC.

I look at how most of these couples describe themselves, and it sounds...perfect. "Still madly in love, open communication, been married 16 years to my university sweetheart, love to cuddle, love to take long walks on the beach, have exactly 2.5 children, a dog, and we just need a third/woman to complete us and our family." With all of that gushing happiness and perfection, who needs more?

Quote:
Honestly, I don't believe it's wise for anyone to deliberately seek out specific relationship models, with rigid expectations and catastrophic consequences if things don't go exactly as planned. I think it's a bad idea for monos, polys, triads, and any other type of relationship model you can come up with. From all the relationships I have been in personally, observed in real life, and read about here and on other forums, it's become abundantly clear that the best relationships develop when you abandon your intent and just let life happen.
How incredibly true.
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  #33  
Old 11-08-2013, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It's important to understand the order of events. First, there were people who looked to "complete" their relationship with a very specific type of woman with virtually unattainable characteristics. Often, they disrespected the autonomy of the woman they're seeking. Who gets to decide that disrespecting someone's autonomy is deplorable? I do. And I'm in good company. So first these people were out there doing this thing. It was only when they reached a critical mass that other people went "Wow, this is really a 'thing.' Let's give them all a name so that we can refer to them more easily. They're looking for something imaginary. Unicorns are imaginary. Let's say they're hunting unicorns."

It simply wasn't the case that first there were these women out there looking for couples to date, and they were like "Hey you know who else likes to date couples? Unicorns. So I'm going to call myself a unicorn, because that means someone who likes to date couples." No. Unicorns are just horses with a magical pole sticking out of their forehead.
Perfect!

And, yes, you are in good company in judging disrespect for autonomy to be deplorable. I also agree that each of us is entitled to make such judgments, and that such judgments cannot be dismissed in the name of some easy relativism - "but I've thought about it for a long time, and it's what I waaaant!"

Sure - I keep holding myself back from saying to them - you can do what you want, but you are bound to acknowledge that others can make choices of their own, and you are bound to respect their freedom to make choices that don't align with your desires, even if - and I don't grant this at all -your desires are well considered.

As seems to be the case with others here, the language used by unicorn hunters makes my skin crawl. My pet peeve of the week is the locution "our special lady," which showed up yet again in a personal ad from yet another perfect couple seeking someone to complete them.

"Girl" is demeaning enough, but "lady" is especially loaded, culturally; both of them are quite distinct from "woman," which implies maturity, self-possession, independence . . . autonomy.

"Our" . . . don't even get me started. As if their "one true (other) love" is out there, destined to be with them, if only they could find her. As if she belongs to them, like "our" house or "our" car.

Then there's "special", the non-specific honorific, which somehow manages to be saccharine and bland at the same time. It may here serve to reinforce the cultural baggage of "lady" - a precious thing to be treasured and protected and - above all - owned.

Okay, now my skin is crawling and my gorge is rising. Time to think about other things!

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 11-08-2013 at 12:52 PM.
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  #34  
Old 11-08-2013, 12:42 PM
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My favourite* one recently, was looking for "a sweet girl" who is "tender hearted" younger than them and did specifically say, she need not even BE bisexual, as long as she is "ready and willing to be a full part of our sex lives This is mostly directed to the man so there is no need to be bi at all." and finally, "Hope to hear from "our girl" soon"

Just...no. Needless to say, they don't want children, they are middle aged and want a younger partner.



*as in, worst ever...
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  #35  
Old 11-08-2013, 12:47 PM
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That's not to say I have anything against middleaged people without kids btw, it is just the patronising, sex object way the profile was written that gets my goat.
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  #36  
Old 11-08-2013, 12:48 PM
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Other bits I find irritating:
  • When they add something along the lines of "we've been looking forever but there are no real poly women out there" because any woman who isn't throwing herself at them is obviously not really poly and couldn't possibly have been turned off by their approach.
  • When they ask why they're having so much trouble finding their special real poly lady, then brush off every attempt made to show them where they could improve their chances.
  • When they try to prove they're not Unicorn Hunters by telling us about all the other (invariably short-lived) relationships they've had with previous Unicorns, then blame all the previous break-ups on the Unicorn rather than realising that they're the common factor in the equation.
I'm sure I'll think of more.

Edit: Ooooh! The big one:
  • The female in the couple isn't actually bisexual, but she's less squicked out by the thought of being involved with another woman than he is by the thought of being involved with another man so they're going to try sharing a girlfriend she'll have no actual interest in beyond possibly friendship.

Last edited by Emm; 11-08-2013 at 12:54 PM.
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  #37  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:12 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
My favourite* one recently, was looking for "a sweet girl" who is "tender hearted" younger than them and did specifically say, she need not even BE bisexual, as long as she is "ready and willing to be a full part of our sex lives This is mostly directed to the man so there is no need to be bi at all." and finally, "Hope to hear from "our girl" soon"

Just...no. Needless to say, they don't want children, they are middle aged and want a younger partner.



*as in, worst ever...
The delivery and presentation are all wrong. Surely they cannot believe that ad would attract anyone...right?
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  #38  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
The delivery and presentation are all wrong. Surely they cannot believe that ad would attract anyone...right?
Of course they do, why wouldn't they? It is what attracts them and surely they are allowed to look for whatever they want, because they know what works best for their relationship...and of course, they don't mind waiting until their perfect girl comes along........
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  #39  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:26 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Of course they do, why wouldn't they? It is what attracts them and surely they are allowed to look for whatever they want, because they know what works best for their relationship...and of course, they don't mind waiting until their perfect girl comes along........
Cringe worthy. I know people have preferences, but there is nothing appealing about that.
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  #40  
Old 11-08-2013, 01:39 PM
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Which brings us back to both the first and second points in my list.
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