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  #121  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:27 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
If I am being accused of promoting the idea there is only one right way to do poly, I completely reject that characterization.
I don't believe that is the case. What may be the issue however is that you, and a few other posters, seem to have created a crusade against 'Unicorn Hunters'. This may not have been what you wanted to convey, and it may well be that your enthusiasm for dispensing your wisdom (based on hard-won experience) is based on a genuine willingness to assist.

Most people however find it unpleasant to be labelled (especially if the label is negative) and attacked, or at the very least judged. The reality is that a great number of people are learning about polyamory through an initial interest in forming a triad with a third person (often a woman).

Their learning curve is often steep, but if they then chose to come this forum should they not be received politely? Sure, their quest may seem unreasonable and doomed to you, but is there not a chance that they too may grow into more well-rounded understanding of the issues and pitfalls involved in opening a relationship if they are met with an open mind and heart?

I'm guessing you may not understand how some of your harsh pronouncements could be received. Some of them do sound a bit abusive I fear. I'm guessing that is not your intention.
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  #122  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post

Natja.. I think if you search the forum, a few unicorn named members were self identified single unicorns at the time (they may not be now).
I will do that, thank you.
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If anything what always happens
Always? How is that any less of a generalisation than what I have been saying?
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  #123  
Old 11-15-2013, 07:19 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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I see two problems here. One of them is it seems some of these people are less naive about poly then they are about the internet. If you go online and put your personal situation out there people are going to give their opinion. Thats how it works. You're going to get opinions. If there is anything to be gained from that process it is only possible if you're willing to think about those opinions. If you're going to be become defensive when you don't like the response you get, don't bother putting your business on the internet, you're not going to gain anything but a fight. Just go tell someone you know to give you a hug.


The second is the need to be right about the terms. Maybe it would help if we all quit using a short-hand descriptive terms we can't agree on and instead used whatever long drawn out definition you believe in.


For example the self titled natural unicorn who posted that she was unhappy with how the couple she was seeing broke up with her because she asked for alone time. She received the response that she wasn't actually a unicorn and spent the rest of the thread being defensive about her use of the term rather than hearing that the problem with their relationship was that the couple was looking for her to be something she wasn't. So here she is fighting about the accuracy of her calling herself a unicorn, but she wasn't the kind of unicorn the couple wanted. The thing they wanted probably doesn't exist!


Would she have reacted differently if SchrodingersCat hadn't said


Quote:
"Unicorn" doesn't simply mean someone who dates couples. It means...

and instead said (paraphrasing the post)


Quote:
We hear about a lot of couples who are looking for someone who doesn't have their own personhood and exists only to fill a role in a relationship -- not as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but as a placeholder. It sounds like your couple was expecting you to be that, and broke up with you when they were faced with the reality that you weren't that.


They expected you to enjoy being tossed around and having your emotions played with and the on-again-off-again. They didn't expect you have grown closer to one of the couple, because they wanted someone to always love both people equally. They hoped you would wait at their beck and call whenever they have couple-issues to work out, and then you would rush back when they show the slightest interest in allowing you. And they didn't expect you to want to have alone time with either of the partners, because they were concerned more with someone for sex and intimacy in threesomes.

Cut them loose. They're not ready for this. They practice avoidance rather than confronting their problems. A break from a relationship can be useful to see if you really want to be together, not as a constant coping mechanism to avoid dealing with problems when they get to be overwhelming.

She agreed, she did not want to fit THAT role and so if there hadn't been an argument about the word "unicorn" she might have heard the actual advice.


Who's fault is that? I don't know. I personally don't expect strangers on the internet to not only take the time to read about my problems and respond but also know what might offend me well enough to word a response that might avoid that. If I go asking for opinions, I take the responsibility to try to find something useful from what I get.


Like Willowstar mentioned, My boyfriend and I also had fantasies that led to thoughts of unicorn hunting. We didn't know what that was but any time we discussed it, it was fairly obvious we were unlikely to find someone who would go for it and we left it as fantasy. When my boyfriend seriously started discussing dating other women (in this case separately), the opinions (abuse?) I've since read here have actually been really helpful to me in discovering my own opinions and how I want to behave during any additional relationships. For example one night he asked me if I would want veto power. I immediately thought "oh god no! I could never be in a relationship where I thought someone besides my direct partner might be calling the shots for our relationship." I know I would not have reacted that way if I hadn't read everything I've read here. I wouldn't have already taken the time to think about that third person. I'm here for other perspectives. If I spent all my time defending my own, I wouldn't be getting anything out of this.
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  #124  
Old 11-15-2013, 07:44 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I will do that, thank you.
And that was a whole bunch of precious time wasted.

There is nothing I can find, if you can point me in the direction of these second time around Unicorns I would be much obliged.
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  #125  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:22 PM
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natja-I think one was username blackunicorn. I'm not positive-but I seem to recall that login name.
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  #126  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:24 PM
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7024

That's the one I found Natja. I haven't read it recently. I just remembered the log in name.
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  #127  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Black Unicorn posted in one of the threads Cindie linked, with what she gets out of dating couples and being a secondary.

northhome, what can I say? I am not intending to abuse or harshly judge. And a crusade is strong language coming from you. It's a pet peeve of mine, these Unicorn Hunters, but I think most of my information, support and advice is given in a rather caring or at least matter of fact way. I will link to the "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?" and "Secondary's Bill of Rights" articles if I feel a poster has no clue of what is wrong with their Unicorn trap and expectations. Why not? They are full of great info. Have you read them?
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  #128  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:50 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7024

That's the one I found Natja. I haven't read it recently. I just remembered the log in name.
Thank you, I read that thread.

To summarise, she came into Poly looking to date couples but had no experience doing so, then she seemed to end up in many various configurations but at no point did it seem she dated a male and female couple, though I think she had a man and a woman at the same time who were not a couple. Then she decided to be monogamous, than she decided to be solo poly before she ended her blog.
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  #129  
Old 11-15-2013, 09:24 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I will link to the "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?" and "Secondary's Bill of Rights" articles if I feel a poster has no clue of what is wrong with their Unicorn trap and expectations. Why not? They are full of great info. Have you read them?
I have. They're quite good, and I have referred people to them as they cover a lot of good ground.
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  #130  
Old 11-15-2013, 09:36 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Default Allegory of the Smart Phone

So, I saw a young woman walking down the sidewalk in town, today, absorbed in a text conversation on her smart phone. Because I've seen it happen before, and because I've seen statistics about the increasing number of ER visits resulting from distracted walking, I stopped to look ahead of her to see if there was some hazard in her path.

Sure enough, she was walking directly toward an open manhole!

I shouted but, absorbed in her texting, she didn't hear me.

I shouted louder and began to run toward her.

She half heard me but waved me off with obvious annoyance.

I caught up to her and finally got her attention. By this point, I was winded and slightly exasperated so I said, with a little too much force: "You really should put your phone down and watch where you're going! A lot of people get hurt that way . . . and you're walking straight toward that open manhole!"

To my surprise, she blew up at me: "How dare you tell me what to do! I really want to finish this conversation!"

I spluttered: "BUT YOU'RE WALKING TOWARD AN OPEN MANHOLE!"

"Jesus, what a jerk!" she shouted. "I really don't have to put up with this kind of abuse! If you don't back off and stop harassing me, I'm going to call the police!"

Baffled, I backed off, and she went on her way, eyes still glued to her phone.

(Yeah, I know, no analogy is perfect. And besides, I don't know for sure she's going to fall into the manhole. Maybe she's the kind who can walk on air!)

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 11-16-2013 at 12:16 AM.
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