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Old 05-23-2015, 02:49 AM
reflections reflections is online now
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Default Nre

I'm curious to hear people's experiences with NRE, the good, the bad, and the ugly .

For me, it's a bit difficult for me to differentiate what's NRE and what's just loving being together.

Jack and I have definitely had our periods of NRE, which initially, for me, was a blind infatuation with him, constantly thinking about him, feeling like I always had to put my best foot forward. I felt crazy, obsessed, constantly up and down. We had a break for a month when it seemed like our needs weren't compatible, but after reuniting about 2 years ago, we have been head over heels in love.

I know that NRE typically lasts 6-24 months and can be extended through LDR. I'm more interested in how other people feel during NRE and how that differs from their usual feelings in a relationship.

Also, has NRE ever been cut short by taking on new partners? Have people experienced NRE with two or more partners at once?

Thought this might be an interesting discussion!
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Me (Chrissy): Late 20's, female, bi, poly, married to Roger (together for 14+ years) and dating Jack in a LDR (5+ years)
Roger: Late 20's, male, poly, married to Chrissy and dating Taylor (>1 year)
Jack: Late 20's, male, currently mono, dating Chrissy
Taylor: Late 30's, female, currently mono, dating Roger
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  #2  
Old 05-23-2015, 05:51 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My NRE with sam lasted a few months.

With nate it seemed to last for years , ended when i met sam but picked back up when nre ended with sam. i feel like my love for nate is way more than what most people feel for their long term partners
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Old 05-23-2015, 02:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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When I met my gf miss pixi, I had NRE and so did she. When we met, we clicked so hard, it was almost audible. Her NRE seemed to end after 3 months, but at the same time, she is really really into me continuously, loving, wanting closeness, frequent contact. The only difference was, her sex drive became less, but that is because she suffers from anxiety issues, which causes her to repress her lust sometimes.

I feel my NRE for her lasted 2 years. But our love is so intense. I compare how I feel for her with how I felt for my ex husband after 2 years, 4 years, six years, and it is so different. We are so suited to each other. I stopped feeling that obsessed feeling of a new relationship, but it's still so different from other loves I've had. The love and yummy feelings just kept growing, and becoming even *better* after the early NRE, the anxieties of wondering if we will really work out, ended in security.

I have felt NRE for quite a few men over the 6 years she and I have been together. Quite a few of them were new and exciting while miss pixi and I were still in a fairly new relationship. It can be confusing sometimes, when feelings for one person, coming from sex with them into her arms, for example, run over from one relationship to another. But I've gotten used to that. And she's really good about being patient with me when I am distracted by feelings for another. Either feeling excited and lustful for someone else, or disappointed and sad because something isn't working out.

Likewise, after an initial short-lived wobbly time, I am not threatened by any other relationships she has had. She's always had poly understandings with partners, and has taught me a lot about how to be at ease sharing our loving capacities with others.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-23-2015 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 05-23-2015, 03:50 PM
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I don't think I am as susceptible to NRE as some people seem to be.

Sure, I will feel excited about a new lover, and will allow myself to fantasize about a new relationship, but -- for the most part, I always strive to keep my expectations low and to step back and keep my feet on the ground about it. I also feel that attachment to another human being is not healthy, so I watch out for signs that I am getting attached and make an effort to disengage from that thinking. It's all mental, really, and takes discipline and (most importantly) a great deal of self-awareness to not let NRE take hold and toss me around. I like that you described it as "blind infatuation" - it can really blind one to things that should be looked at.

I think unrealistic expectations are what do us in the most, when it comes to relationships, so I prefer to be a realist about things. Somehow, I can enjoy the excitement and a bit of euphoria without getting all lost in it. I used to get lost in my infatuations and fantasies about people I was involved with, but I guess I just don't allow myself to go there anymore ever since a few of them crashed and burned, and I felt really hurt by my involvement and embarrassed by (and regretful over) my "stoned on love" state of mind, which created problems in those relationships.

I like to remind myself that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding my brain, like being drugged, and to not believe or invest too much in what I am feeling because I am basically under the influence of drugs. It takes some effort, but can be done.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2015 at 03:56 PM.
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Old 05-24-2015, 12:23 AM
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I have bad memories of my last experience with NRE. I did not handle it well. I currently have no desire to seek a new round of NRE. I am satisfied with my well-established relationship with Snowbunny. There's no rose-colored glasses or shattered expectations, just a well-oiled routine and rapport.
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Old 05-24-2015, 01:57 AM
reflections reflections is online now
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It's interesting to hear about other people's experiences of NRE.

For myself, I had recently considered dating a friend of mine, who I'll call Indigo. I did start to feel some of that initial "crush" stage - the flirting, the wondering what would happen next, etc. In the end, Indigo and I decided it was best to stay friends for now, given my upcoming move.

And while in a small amount, that NRE felt good, it did remind of the intensity of NRE I felt with Jack when we started seeing each other. That was like butterflies in the stomach - but to the point of nausea. I think there were other contributing factors that led to it being such an intense experience for me (Roger and I were really struggling with his extensive work schedule and mismatched libidos), but in some ways, it's terrifying for me to think about feeling that again. And nycindie, I think you and I are quite different in experiences of NRE, given that I tend to jump in head first. I see the ways that having high expectations has hurt Jack and my relationship in the past, but I also do appreciate having that kind of "all in" approach at times.

While it still feels like Jack and I are wrapped up in NRE, talking about how much we're in love, giving googily eyes to each other, spending hours just looking at each other and talking, I can't quite figure out if it's NRE or if that's just what love is like with him. I suspect that over time, it will change, like Roger and my relationship did, into a more mature, stable type of love. But it's hard to determine if it's NRE or if we just have amazing chemistry (doesn't hurt that the sex is absolutely mind-blowing! ). At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter all that much, but it's intriguing to reflect upon.
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Me (Chrissy): Late 20's, female, bi, poly, married to Roger (together for 14+ years) and dating Jack in a LDR (5+ years)
Roger: Late 20's, male, poly, married to Chrissy and dating Taylor (>1 year)
Jack: Late 20's, male, currently mono, dating Chrissy
Taylor: Late 30's, female, currently mono, dating Roger
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:24 AM
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Halcyeus Halcyeus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I like to remind myself that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding my brain, like being drugged, and to not believe or invest too much in what I am feeling because I am basically under the influence of drugs. It takes some effort, but can be done.
Yep, yep and yep. Agreed with your post's conclusions and could relate to some of its circumstances, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by reflections View Post
While it still feels like Jack and I are wrapped up in NRE, talking about how much we're in love, giving googily eyes to each other, spending hours just looking at each other and talking, I can't quite figure out if it's NRE or if that's just what love is like with him. I suspect that over time, it will change, like Roger and my relationship did, into a more mature, stable type of love. But it's hard to determine if it's NRE or if we just have amazing chemistry (doesn't hurt that the sex is absolutely mind-blowing! ). At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter all that much, but it's intriguing to reflect upon. .
I know what you mean. Lately someone has fallen for me. I can't tell if she is profoundly in love or loves profoundly. Either way I expect things will change into something more mature if the potential is there for that. All long relationships do in some way or another. They will for you with Jack. NRE burns out but what follows isn't necessarily any less bright.
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Old 05-25-2015, 01:50 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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I have been contemplating and researching NRE for most of a year since having a big dose take me by complete surprise. The out of control aspect of it has been big both for good and ill. Something I wanted to keep a friendship became torture to keep in bounds because of it and I had to negotiate new boundaries with my husband and my own sense of what is doable. The addictive nature of the chemicals sloshing around is delightful but withdrawal is nasty. My SO became very ill and had little energy to pump into being giddy with me anymore, while still being in love with me. I would love to have kept the idyll going. The sense of endless possibility, the vision of being more wonderful than I knew because he found me so amazing, the mind blanking pleasure of looking at each other in complete adoration, these things I have deeply mourned the sudden diminution of. It was interesting to find that the chemical mix of NRE has the property of interfering with other chemical interactions in the brain, such as the circulation of serotonin. Anyone prone to depression may find themselves in trouble even if things are going well. Louann Brizendine's books on the brain have interesting chapters on what falling in love does to brain functions in men and women.

Leetah
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Old 05-25-2015, 02:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leetah View Post
Louann Brizendine's books on the brain have interesting chapters on what falling in love does to brain functions in men and women.

Leetah
There's a very illuminating website article about the effects of sex on the brain, appropriately called "Your Brain On Sex," which can be found here: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 05-25-2015, 03:12 AM
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When I get into NRE, I fall hard and fast. It's really intense. A great deal of concentration is needed for me to focus on anything but the new relationship, however, I make the effort. That said, once a reciprocal relationship is established and I feel secure, NRE does not wear off for me. I still get comments about how lovey-dovey DarkKnight and I seem to be, from friends and strangers, even. "Look at how in love you are ! It's so sweet!" Almost ten years together and my high is still super strong. It's just how I roll.

For this reason, I think that having a third primary partner would thoroughly exhaust me. I know that when I was seeing someone briefly a few months ago, I felt really torn in about a million ways at once because I had an overload of emotional ups. As good as it felt, it was also really unsettling because I still have NRE for my husbands, and trying to balance myself and my need for all 3 partners at the time was cray-cray.
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