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  #1  
Old 09-26-2016, 07:35 PM
harleyquinn harleyquinn is offline
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Unhappy Does anyone ever wish they weren't polyamorous?

I love my poly identity. But at the moment Im going through a phase where I wish I could just feel completely happy with my current partner alone and not have any desires for anyone else. I have a beautiful relationship with my primary partner, emotionally, physically, intellectually etc..

This feeling has been triggered by some feelings of rejection and loss from someone that I was involved with. I know it will pass with time, but I cant help but think about how much heartache might be spared if I didn't fall in love with other people. But even now I find myself fantasising about my next romance and other people.

Does anyone ever feel like this or know the feeling?
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Old 09-26-2016, 09:04 PM
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Whereas my partner has another partner, I myself only have the one partner. And while I am open to the possibility of dating outside my V, I don't feel any great yearnings to do it. So maybe I don't count as polyamorous. At the least, I'm not so deeply invested in it that it makes me wish I wasn't polyamorous.

Of course that's just me ...
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Old 09-26-2016, 09:23 PM
learner learner is offline
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Yes - totally! Having had a long-term and extremely stable relationship with my husband, I've had more heartbreak in the past few years than I've had since my teens . It hasn't been all bad by any means, but I've discovered that a lot of the things I thought were fixed in my own character were actually just buried because no-one had triggered those feelings in me.

I have also experienced that some of my partners (and I use the term very loosely!) have treated me perhaps more callously than they would otherwise because in their eyes I have a relationship to fall back on so what they do can't hurt me that much. I don't think that's true at all though.

I hope you manage to put the feelings of loss and rejection behind you soon and find what you're looking for
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Old 09-26-2016, 09:45 PM
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It's not an identity for me; I don't buy that hard-wiring theory. I call myself a polyamorist, not polyamorous, because it's something I do, not something I am. Yes, certain types of people are more inclined to be able to handle it and be satisfied, but it's a choice I make based on numerous things about me and my life. So I can choose at any time to be monogamous and I'd be perfectly happy with the right person.

At any given moment in time, we create our realities and have choices.
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Old 09-27-2016, 08:56 AM
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I am hardwired to be non-monogamous. I've never really thought about this. Looking back on my serial monogamy days, I'm not sure if I would have been happier being truly monogamous or happier if they had been poly. As for my poly days, I've had some heartache, but it came as a result of dealing with someone who was mono. Maybe I just wish everyone was poly.
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Old 09-27-2016, 05:57 PM
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I think some people are hardwired to it (Mal for one) and some are not (me for one).

Do I wish we were mono? No, I really don't. When he and Djinn were going though so much upheaval it was really hard on me. I didn't like being the only one he had. Now I know he has other partners (more FWB, but still) I am much happier. But none of that changes that I don't want (or need) more partners.
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Old 09-27-2016, 06:40 PM
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Nope. I just wish it was more mainstream and accepted so that people would have better awareness of where they sit on the spectrum between mono and poly.
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Old 09-28-2016, 06:45 PM
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I feel both poly and mono, depending on the relationship. I've had partners with whom poly felt natural and sweet. I've had partners with whom I felt a strong exclusive desire. I don't feel an allegiance to any "lifestyle" or group. Some people I date are open to poly and don't even know it until they meet me and it comes up, so I don't see any dividing line between poly and mono people unless someone strongly identifies either way.

I think your question is more about how you deal with hurt and loss than it is about poly, harleyquinn. As learner said, a mono relationship can serve to put unresolved issues into dormancy, but those issues are still there and will resurface eventually. Being open to new relationships keeps a light shining on how you deal with these issues, but having just one partner at a time doesn't save you from the feelings.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 09-28-2016 at 06:48 PM.
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Old 09-29-2016, 01:54 AM
RUourcouple RUourcouple is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyquinn View Post
I love my poly identity. But at the moment Im going through a phase where I wish I could just feel completely happy with my current partner alone and not have any desires for anyone else. I have a beautiful relationship with my primary partner, emotionally, physically, intellectually etc..

This feeling has been triggered by some feelings of rejection and loss from someone that I was involved with. I know it will pass with time, but I cant help but think about how much heartache might be spared if I didn't fall in love with other people. But even now I find myself fantasising about my next romance and other people.

Does anyone ever feel like this or know the feeling?
Wow and I mean Wow.... We had a bit of a blowup this afternoon and I left the heated discussion wishing we would never have discovered our poly side. I know it is the only way we will be truly happy because monogamy is not for us. She is in love deeply with Vitamin A and is not afraid to express it to both him and I. I have no problem with that. What tears me up inside is when we have a difference of opinions she will take his side 100% of the time for fear of offending him. She must figure I am secure enough to take it. I am just healing from a broken relationship with a female who turned out to be mono. This was found out a few months into our relationship. I hate to say this but it has left me a bit more fragile. Now I get left feeling as the outsider at times. I was invited back to their dates but she holds his hand and sits on the couch or bed with him and they talk among themselves. This leaves me to stare at the TV or cellphone to pass the time away while I am invisible to them. Some days Poly sucks too.....
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Old 09-29-2016, 02:02 AM
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Then perhaps group dates are not the way to go. Seems like common sense to me that if you don't want to feel "left out," don't tag along on their dates. Let them have their space and you go do your thing, and be a part of something else. Independence and autonomy are important for people in committed relationships, and necessary for personal growth.
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Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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