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Old 11-06-2013, 12:51 PM
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SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
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Default Putting the peices together- finding my 'model' & myself

HI all, wanted to start fresh here, as I think i have had a breakthrough - i think i am really falling for Anna (new lady in my life of 1 month). Frank (my BF of 1 yr) sees this and it seems is trying to understand now. To recap without going too into things: After (with his permission) her and I met 2 times, I sort of snuck off to see her again just a day after we slept together (it was not full blown secrecy, as I did tell him right after and just dont know what got into me, but were working on that breach of trust). Frank has requested we put this on hold. He says once trust is back, we can revisit maybe me seeing Anna again (with boundaries and such in place). But I live alone, still text with her, and really struggle with being told "what" to do. She brought up wanting to know if Frank was OK with her and I texting and seeing e/o again. Feels kind of like asking my Dad for permission :/ anyhow, couple of questions:

-Im letting Frank sit with this and go through some motions of denial. Since for a year it was just him & I (as for matters of the heart, I had other lovers that he was OK with- but this caught me offguard, this girl has sort of swept me off my feet,..i think he sees that. or feels it as he confessed he is afraid to lose me.. which I get and am trying to reassure him). It has opened some good lines of communication, but also some hurtful things have been said in the heat of the moment. Frank can be hard to approach/talk to.Despite us having amazing chemistry and that we do love e/o.. and are growing still as a newish couple. But how long is too long? It has been just over a week since the 'incident'. But it is killing me not to see her

- I have reached out to him to see if he is ok with Anna and I texting. Is this giving him too much power? or is communication always good thing? And, on this subject- where do I draw the boundaries as far as what I tell each party about one another and what is going on? Do i have to be fully open to each about what the other is up to ? Or are some things best kept private? B/c i see Frank sort of using some things I tell him about Anna against me being with her. But inside im screaming "its none of your business!" but the truth is, that it is his business b/c we are a couple. She is totally in the loop too- and i am trying to avoid talking "bad" about either of them, behind their backs to the other, as I am not that way, and some things are best kept to myself. They are both such great, amazing people! My chemistry with both is different but so strong! If I could figure out how to balance this with them both, I would be the happiest girl!....sigh

- He realizes my desires and needs. He is also so scared so any links or help on jealously stuff or tips on how I can reassure him. I love him ~ I dont want my RL with him to end. Both parties are aware of this being my "primary" but I am feeling like maybe things are so intense w/ Anna, which scares the hell out of me. Can I fall in love with a secondary? And still manage to keep my primary happy? One of my close friends who I was talking to recently said Frank needs to be careful b/c she can see he is "squeezing" me. She knows that I am a free spirit, and i dont do well with controlling/possessive partners. I got out of a 14 year RL (7 yr of marriage) for a reason. I want to enjoy this chapter in my life. But i think he really might just have fears that need soothing...

- He was OK w/ something physical FWB/etc, but I have emotions for Anna. Already! after 1 month. I have come to terms w/ this spending finally some quiet time alone. I have been resisting that I could already feel strongly for someone after just a few weeks,.... but here I am. The girl is amazing and she told me she never felt the way she does with me, and since meeting eachother we both seem to feel like this mutual light/happy/amazing feeling. That is all so good and why i am trying hard to keep her a part of my life, without totally screwing up what I built with Frank so far. That is a difficult thing for sure.

- Lastly, I am scared to really love a woman. In the relationship sense. While I think a GF would be awesome- for me, I dont see myself easily living with or even comitting 100% just to a woman. I dont know if I would want that, plus My family is very conservative, and only know of my BF. Some friends and siblings know I am bisexual, but think maybe it was a phase after my divorce. I dont think I could even come out fully to my parents. Which really sucks. Any tips on this or reading materials? I am going to talk to my therapist too on that.

Last edited by SilverSprings; 11-06-2013 at 01:36 PM. Reason: |
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  #2  
Old 11-06-2013, 01:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sounds like you are surprised that you can love more than two. You love your bf, you have feelings for Anna that could be love... it's definitely infatuation, new relationship energy. That rush of emotions and hormones can be hard to manage, and hard for a partner to take, especially since Frank is new to poly theory/practice. And so are you! You've been polysexual in the past, but thought you couldn't love a woman. Turns out you can. So, you're trying to understand this newly found capacity of yours, and Frank is there, trying to learn this about you as you learn it, and he also feels threatened by it.

Here's a link about jealousy.

http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousytheory.html

There is more good info on that site as well.

No, you do not "need" to be fully open about every time you message Anna and what you talk about. She has a right to her privacy in her relationship with you. Lots of poly people only tell their other partners the smallest amount about the other partner. I find I like to know if my one of my partners talked to another interest that day, but I do not need to know every single topic they discussed. But this is something you all have to come to an agreement on. Anna's feelings on the topic need to be respected just as much as Frank's. Just because she is new and you are thinking of her as a secondary (so far) does not mean her feelings, desires, etc are not as important as Frank's.

I am sorry he seems to be too controlling or possessive for a free spirit like yourself. I hope he can relax and feel more comfortable with this new aspect of your personality over time. I see it's hard for you to make space for him to understand where he stands in this, while you are all twitterpated over Anna and wanting to spend more time with her ASAP. What are you doing to reassure him? Are you giving him any quality time? When a poly person is in NRE, they can sometimes neglect established partners. You have to learn to compartmentalize. When you're with Frank, be there 100% (or as close to 100% as possible, one's mind does wander). Spend time discussing poly theory and practice, but also spend time just enjoying each other, sex, cuddling, dates.
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  #3  
Old 11-06-2013, 01:46 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
No, you do not "need" to be fully open about every time you message Anna and what you talk about. She has a right to her privacy in her relationship with you. Lots of poly people only tell their other partners the smallest amount about the other partner. I find I like to know if my one of my partners talked to another interest that day, but I do not need to know every single topic they discussed. But this is something you all have to come to an agreement on. Anna's feelings on the topic need to be respected just as much as Frank's. Just because she is new and you are thinking of her as a secondary (so far) does not mean her feelings, desires, etc are not as important as Frank's.

I am sorry he seems to be too controlling or possessive for a free spirit like yourself.
Truth.
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Old 11-06-2013, 01:51 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSprings View Post
HI all, wanted to start fresh here, as I think i have had a breakthrough - i think i am really falling for Anna (new lady in my life of 1 month). Frank (my BF of 1 yr) sees this and it seems is trying to understand now. To recap without going too into things: After (with his permission) her and I met 2 times, I sort of snuck off to see her again just a day after we slept together (it was not full blown secrecy, as I did tell him right after and just dont know what got into me, but were working on that breach of trust). Frank has requested we put this on hold. He says once trust is back, we can revisit maybe me seeing Anna again (with boundaries and such in place). But I live alone, still text with her, and really struggle with being told "what" to do. She brought up wanting to know if Frank was OK with her and I texting and seeing e/o again. Feels kind of like asking my Dad for permission :/ anyhow, couple of questions:

-Im letting Frank sit with this and go through some motions of denial. Since for a year it was just him & I (as for matters of the heart, I had other lovers that he was OK with- but this caught me offguard, this girl has sort of swept me off my feet,..i think he sees that. or feels it as he confessed he is afraid to lose me.. which I get and am trying to reassure him). It has opened some good lines of communication, but also some hurtful things have been said in the heat of the moment. Frank can be hard to approach/talk to.Despite us having amazing chemistry and that we do love e/o.. and are growing still as a newish couple. But how long is too long? It has been just over a week since the 'incident'. But it is killing me not to see her

- I have reached out to him to see if he is ok with Anna and I texting. Is this giving him too much power? or is communication always good thing? And, on this subject- where do I draw the boundaries as far as what I tell each party about one another and what is going on? Do i have to be fully open to each about what the other is up to ? Or are some things best kept private? B/c i see Frank sort of using some things I tell him about Anna against me being with her. But inside im screaming "its none of your business!" but the truth is, that it is his business b/c we are a couple. She is totally in the loop too- and i am trying to avoid talking "bad" about either of them, behind their backs to the other, as I am not that way, and some things are best kept to myself. They are both such great, amazing people! My chemistry with both is different but so strong! If I could figure out how to balance this with them both, I would be the happiest girl!....sigh

- He realizes my desires and needs. He is also so scared so any links or help on jealously stuff or tips on how I can reassure him. I love him ~ I dont want my RL with him to end. Both parties are aware of this being my "primary" but I am feeling like maybe things are so intense w/ Anna, which scares the hell out of me. Can I fall in love with a secondary? And still manage to keep my primary happy? One of my close friends who I was talking to recently said Frank needs to be careful b/c she can see he is "squeezing" me. She knows that I am a free spirit, and i dont do well with controlling/possessive partners. I got out of a 14 year RL (7 yr of marriage) for a reason. I want to enjoy this chapter in my life. But i think he really might just have fears that need soothing...

- He was OK w/ something physical FWB/etc, but I have emotions for Anna. Already! after 1 month. I have come to terms w/ this spending finally some quiet time alone. I have been resisting that I could already feel strongly for someone after just a few weeks,.... but here I am. The girl is amazing and she told me she never felt the way she does with me, and since meeting eachother we both seem to feel like this mutual light/happy/amazing feeling. That is all so good and why i am trying hard to keep her a part of my life, without totally screwing up what I built with Frank so far. That is a difficult thing for sure.

- Lastly, I am scared to really love a woman. In the relationship sense. While I think a GF would be awesome- for me, I dont see myself easily living with or even comitting 100% just to a woman. I dont know if I would want that, plus My family is very conservative, and only know of my BF. Some friends and siblings know I am bisexual, but think maybe it was a phase after my divorce. I dont think I could even come out fully to my parents. Which really sucks. Any tips on this or reading materials? I am going to talk to my therapist too on that.
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but:

1) So long as you talk about "Anna" as if she is some kind of object, I'd say you need to do some thinking. Talking about revisiting Anna when you feel like dating her or not? Ever consider she might not like being used at your and his convenience?

2) You say you're falling, but it's only been a month, and you aren't even sure if you can actually commit to a relationship with a woman. I'd either be very clear with her that you think this is just a fling, or perhaps just take a break, althogether, until you figure out how you really feel about being with a woman.

As someone bisexual, it's very hurtful to feel like someone is just experimenting with me, and honestly, you sound like you and your husband are doing just that. Experimenting to see how you "feel" about being poly and bi.
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Old 11-06-2013, 02:02 PM
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SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
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Magdlyn: Thank you I have had light relationships with women, and 1 girl who i did "love" in a way- we still talk to this day and it was an amazing experience. But i was with my former husband then, and didn't know i would still crave another in my life after my BF and I met. However, That experienced opened my eyes wide that I like both sexes. Thanks for your compassionate answer as I really appreciate, need to also be kind and focus on soothing myself lately and things have been so intense and weird. Will definitely check the link. tu.

PolyinPractice: I dont know why- but for some reason i convey this weird vibe here that I am experimenting with this girl. or look at girls as an object! (even though i am one... so odd). I assure you- that is far from the truth. I value women and if anything put them on a even higher pedestal naturally. Its that my goal here is to have balance in my life. She knows what I am going through, and where we stand. I am not giving her false expectations. We just like eachother allot. I dont want her to get hurt, she doesnt like that i am hurting a bit. But, I know in my heart how i feel, even if it is not conveyed perfectly here as i vent out my feelings. As a very sensitive girl, I adhere to the "golden rule" as often as i can. Thank you though, for calling me on coming across this way- as its certainly insightful. Oh, and Frank is my boyfriend of 1 year, we dont live together and are not married I see with poly there are risks and rewards along the way. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this if i was totally naive. Its about the experience, and allowing depth- not just a fleeting moment or 1 night stand.. that I am realizing fulfills me.

Last edited by SilverSprings; 11-06-2013 at 02:06 PM.
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:45 PM
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SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
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Soooo, I confessed to Frank that I am looking for something on the emotional side with regard to Anna. It was an email, which i thought was very sensitive and gentle. Fast forward a few awkward hours, he called me (i knew he was upset via a text and weird silence). He proceeded to vent and kind of assume lots of things. Such as how this isn't really smart, its risky, I dont have experience in this, I am jeopardizing our future, I have no idea how to manage conflict in this, that he really questions how i am handling this and worries him allot about how i will handle things in general in the future that i want :/ ??? Perhaps just a angry vent but it went on and so on. Most of the time i was quiet and tried my best to empathize - but it was hard since yes he was making points but it felt like a firing squad was pointed at my head :/ I broke down in tears finally exploding.. "well then if i suck so much at all of this, why are you even with me? if you are questioning so much, why stay with me"? Which sort of jerked him back to reality (i know it was silly, but i couldn't help it). In the end, he basically said there was nothing in it for HIM and it was very selfish of ME. But that he was going to give it a try since he has no other choice. (i am interpreting all of this since I know him very well, and believe well that it was his insecure reaction to me wanting to share my heart). I told him how much i loved him...We ended up breaking the madness up with some laughs and finally things were OK. I told him several times, how hes not ready therefor "we" are not ready. But then he said, no- i just need to be heard/vent, and he was sorry for the tantrum. We sort of made up and he just wanted to see me again after that. and said the next step should be making the boundaries so I can see Anna again... and that we would "prevail" and he felt better and thanked me for letting him vent.

Ok... so exactly what do i think of all that? I am trying hard not to be selfish and consider him. I let the cat out of the bag, and my plan is to just spend some quality time w/ him, drop the topic for a bit. Until he comes around.. Anna is somewhat in the loop as to what is happening and feels bad but at the same time, its really "MY" monkey that i am dealing with so she is respecting me and letting me handle this. (i dont tell her everything but had to a little to understand why we can't see eachother yet..... )

Seems to me he is just coming to terms w/ this all. Later i told him to please help me to better understand how i can better handle communications with him. I guess face to face might have been better? then email... IDK Im still rolling along with this and there might be a little pressure since Anna is there waiting in the shadows for me but my primary relationship needs to be dealt with before I proceed. I am being as cautious and 'nice' as i can to all, but if this keeps on at this level of exhaustion and frustration once the boundaries are in place, i dont think i will be able to keep up with it gosh its interesting how entering the poly world really does pull out the best and worst in people - which kind of forces us to work on ourselves in such a huge way!!

grrr i hate this, but i also feel like there is some kind of resolution around the corner. its always darkest before the dawn, eh?

Last edited by SilverSprings; 11-07-2013 at 12:55 PM.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:29 PM
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Piece of advice never have important conversations via email or text. It is far too easy for the other person to misunderstand or twist the meaning your words.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The conversation should have been face to face. You two have a long way to go. I mean this in the nicest way, but you two need to get your shit together before you drag others like Anna into your dysfunction. Opening a relationship is not an overnight process. The first several months or year(s) are not perfect by any stretch. You guys are dealing with a lack of trust from your breach, and you need to work on that. If you think it is bad now, try having a relationship with little to no trust. I have been there. I am still earning my husband's trust back.

This is what happens when people are not adequately prepared or rush. Innocent people get hurt or tossed around like rag dolls. They also ruin the risk of ruining what once was a happy relationship. I am sure others have had good advice. I rarely dish out advice unless I have been in the situation. I hope it works out for you.

Ry
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  #9  
Old 11-07-2013, 01:42 PM
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SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
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Dagferi- I know and i should have known better.. a habit i am trying to break as I have done that in the past too. Thank you for the reminder though

FullofLove1052- yes i agree. i know we need to get our shit together. the thing is, Frank will not tell me what to do. I suppose he seems to want me to end it (on my terms) with Anna .. but will not tell me to, since he fears i will forever resent him. Perhaps I do need to end with her, but somehow keep in touch for maybe down the road. Maybe this is a case where turning things more towards friends really is the right thing to do. Idk.... its pulling on my heart so much ending things with her though, she brings me so much joy. am i being childish here :'(

Last edited by SilverSprings; 11-07-2013 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:46 PM
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Be respectful but never give people the supreme power over your life.
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