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Old 11-07-2013, 05:06 PM
MissBehaviour MissBehaviour is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 17

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Expectations of exclusivity, or even "being a couple," need to be built up to....not taken for granted.
I don't personally think I could assume non monogamy as a starting point for a new relationship - not past the dating stage. I'd rather give that relationship care and attention to develop a strong sense of identity as a couple and foundations with which to then open up from. Maybe a lot of that is down to my own insecurities but I think that trust and honesty needs to be proven and built up to first.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:33 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

Originally Posted by MissBehaviour View Post
I don't personally think I could assume non monogamy as a starting point for a new relationship - not past the dating stage.
See, that's the thing...the way you're talking he still IS in dating stage. But let's say that's not so, that you're truly in a relationship.

1) You and he haven't set up rules yet (at least you haven't said so).
2) It's already non-monogamous, as you have another partner.

So, for example, say I start dating this guy and he has a girlfriend. I start dating another guy at the same time. The first guy gets upset. I'd be annoyed that he expects me to be monogamous with him; when he isn't with me. Regardless of where in the relationship we were. Exception would be IF he and I had talked and we had decided to do a "polyship" together, where he and I decided we'd both date the same people. If, at that point, I started a new relationship, without his having any say, I'd have broken our arrangement.

If you want your relationship to be similar to the above, I think that's perfectly acceptable. But I do think you owe him the courtesy of letting him know your expectations before you get upset with him.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:53 PM
MissBehaviour MissBehaviour is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 17

Well my assumption that we were both agreed that we're past the dating stage (like I said from the other post) was to do with the fact that we've defined it as a relationship, we've been calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and he's been telling people (including family) that he's in a relationship.

I had felt that we had established rules but it turns out there's been a lot of miscommunication between us and that is something we have steps to work on. At the time I felt he knew my expectations and had gone against them which is why I was upset but then as I say at the heart of it we know, now at least, that there are serious communication issues.

Regarding what I said about non-monogamy you are entirely right and it's really got me thinking about things.
I feel like there is a difference between existing partners and taking on a new partner so when I said non-monogamy it's not really what I meant. When we got together he was with a partner, B, who I had no issues with whatsoever. I wouldn't ask for monogamy, just not to form anything new until the foundations are set.
I understand that there is an argument against this in that love is a natural thing that you can't control. hopefully when we start discussing things I'll realise that there's an underlying issue that we've not realised and can actually be tackled so I'll get past it, but at the moment I don't see anything wrong in giving time to develop the foundations and trust needed in a new relationship.
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:45 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Humberside, no longer in London but I still visit regularly
Posts: 90

I wasn't going to reply on here as I wanted to leave this clean and as your space... But I figure for the purposes of this thread it keeps the flow better if I do.

I do see us as a couple, something solid, and I want that to last indefinitely. I love you to bits and couldn't picture being without you. In my mind were definitely past that "testing the water/dating stage"

I see us as so solid that I thought we were at that stage where we were ready to start dating others. This last week though has reminded me that we are both new to this and have a lot of learning to do along the way; about poly, about ourselves, about each other...

I see now that there's a lot we need to discuss before we are ready and as we've discussed privately I want to do that properly and make no assumptions about it being anything other than a long slow process.

I guess with regards to hoe we view what stage of the relationship we are at I previously hadn't ever truly understood what you meant about NRE. Mainly because it was affecting me differently. It's only on reflection (and with someone pointing it out to me) that I've realised we do all date in different ways. I posted about this on the other thread.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

It's so nice to see two people who are struggling through a complication, both asking for suggestions, working together to understand each other and themself AND find solutions.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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boundaries, issues, newbie

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