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  #11  
Old 02-04-2011, 02:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Booklady,
The biggest messes we get ourselves into usually happen when we "should" on ourselves. You know, we expect usually that a married couple "should" have sex, then we expect a married couple to stop having sex at some point, and so on and so on, or whatever. My point is, your relationship is what you make it.

If you and hubby are attempting to make love because you think you SHOULD, well, no wonder it ain't happening!! Most people inwardly rebel at being told what to do, even when it's ourselves who tell us what to do. Can you hear that dialogue in your head? "I really should want to..." "No!"

Last thing I want is to fuck someone just because I think I'm supposed to. If I had a dick, it would go soft!

The other problem is that people tend to stop seeing their partner anew each day. We tend to think that because we've been with someone 10, 15, 20 years, we know them. We think there isn't anything new to discover. So not true! People change and grow and are constantly learning and absorbing new info, no one is stagnant. Isn't it every seven years that our bodies completely regenerate or something like that? So, maybe you guys have just stopped seeing the nuances of who you both really are. You may be just looking and allowing yourself to see only what you expect to see, instead of looking at your mate with a fresh pair of eyes as if you've just met them. It IS possible!

You're not in trouble! It only feels like that when you think you SHOULD be something you're not. You two might just want talk about where you are, what you want, and figure out how to give it to each other. Is it romance? Is it discovering new things about each other? If having sex is a goal, let it happen because you two want it, not because you think it's something that a married couple is supposed to be doing! Be compassionate and think of it as a fun game, nothing to worry about!! Explore each other and what you want, what you feel might freshen up your relationship. Don't get all heavy about it, it can be fun -- think of this stage you're at as a signpost that says it's time to go deeper and find more ways to get to know each other and yourselves.
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  #12  
Old 02-04-2011, 04:27 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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nycindie... you're awesome
I already knew everything you're saying, I just needed to hear someone state it as you did.
Our marriage is not conventional, we've always done what worked best for us, not what was expected. I'm trying to let go of so many conventions, pretty monogamous ones about what "marriage" is. Marriage is ultimately a partnership and we have one that works in so many ways.
It's been hard to be upset when hubby is upset though, I didn't have the words to reassure him. We've been talking more and we're accepting where we're at. We know we have some work to do, seems we've gotten really swept up in the whole "poly" thing and really needed to take a step back and say "Shit! Do you realize how much our lives have changed in the past year!"
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  #13  
Old 02-10-2011, 11:33 AM
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WonderingAbout WonderingAbout is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.

I can't say I agree with this. One day on a weekend and an hour or so during the week doesn't seem like overkill to me. I know people that work away from home more than that... anyway just my two cents on the matter.

It sounds more to me like a case of either out of sync (which happens in all relationships from time to time in varying degrees) or some possible underly cause that has yet to be addressed. The oddest things can get in a persons mind and fester, causing all sorts of problems. Something a simple as an offhand remark can plant the seed of insecurity and doubt.

If this sexless trend started around the time one or both of you began "secondary" relationships I'd start digging for answers/causes there...
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2011, 11:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Booklady,
The biggest messes we get ourselves into usually happen when we "should" on ourselves. You know, we expect usually that a married couple "should" have sex, then we expect a married couple to stop having sex at some point, and so on and so on, or whatever. My point is, your relationship is what you make it.

If you and hubby are attempting to make love because you think you SHOULD, well, no wonder it ain't happening!! Most people inwardly rebel at being told what to do, even when it's ourselves who tell us what to do. Can you hear that dialogue in your head? "I really should want to..." "No!"

Last thing I want is to fuck someone just because I think I'm supposed to. If I had a dick, it would go soft!

The other problem is that people tend to stop seeing their partner anew each day. We tend to think that because we've been with someone 10, 15, 20 years, we know them. We think there isn't anything new to discover. So not true! People change and grow and are constantly learning and absorbing new info, no one is stagnant. Isn't it every seven years that our bodies completely regenerate or something like that? So, maybe you guys have just stopped seeing the nuances of who you both really are. You may be just looking and allowing yourself to see only what you expect to see, instead of looking at your mate with a fresh pair of eyes as if you've just met them. It IS possible!

You're not in trouble! It only feels like that when you think you SHOULD be something you're not. You two might just want talk about where you are, what you want, and figure out how to give it to each other. Is it romance? Is it discovering new things about each other? If having sex is a goal, let it happen because you two want it, not because you think it's something that a married couple is supposed to be doing! Be compassionate and think of it as a fun game, nothing to worry about!! Explore each other and what you want, what you feel might freshen up your relationship. Don't get all heavy about it, it can be fun -- think of this stage you're at as a signpost that says it's time to go deeper and find more ways to get to know each other and yourselves.
Just had to reply and say I adore you for this!! The SHOULD is an awful, awful, stress inducing thing.
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2011, 06:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderingAbout View Post
I can't say I agree with this. One day on a weekend and an hour or so during the week doesn't seem like overkill to me.
It was one day on the weekend, one overnight during the week and an hour each day. BIG difference. There was no mention of how much time is spent texting, emailing and talking on the phone. How much of the same is put toward the spouse when laundry, finances, household chorse, etc are not happening?

Last edited by SNeacail; 02-10-2011 at 06:24 PM.
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  #16  
Old 02-10-2011, 09:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderingAbout View Post
Just had to reply and say I adore you for this!!
Oooh, I adore being adored!
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  #17  
Old 02-10-2011, 10:34 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I can't say I adore you Cindie, but I sure like you a lot.

I was married for 30 years, together with him for 33. Our sex life went up and down. For us, it was stresses, and my underlying needs as a bisexual, which he didnt accept, and my inborn poly nature which we didnt have a name for for 20 years.

And we did have 3 kids in 5 years after being together 10 years. We didnt' have family nearby to help with childcare either.

But once our youngest turned 4 and started sleeping thru the night, and we felt comfortable with having teen babysitters or leaving them with the (distant) grandparents and aunts for a week at a time, things really heated up again and we had a 2nd honeymoon. That is also when he finally somehow wrapped his head around me being bi, and also when we started exploring being poly.

We found taking little weekend getaways together really helped too. There is something so hot about hotel sex.

I find it disturbing when married poly people have more sex with their OSOs than with their primary. Not to be critical, I think it's a good thing to discuss and be concerned about, is all. Sex with OSOs isnt supposed to replace sex with the primary, it's supposed to enhance it. Ideally.
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  #18  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:28 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I find it disturbing when married poly people have more sex with their OSOs than with their primary. Not to be critical, I think it's a good thing to discuss and be concerned about, is all. Sex with OSOs isnt supposed to replace sex with the primary, it's supposed to enhance it. Ideally.
Why. Thats a utopian way to look at it. Not everyone has the same sex drive, or has past problems, or is in the throws of NRE...

Not to mention knks/fetish etc can seriously make things skewed.

I can't say I have a sexless marriage. Its isn't uber active. We had some serious down time years ago, but life has been good this past year and is getting better by the day. For us, well it gets complicated... a little too personal even for me.
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  #19  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:51 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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If I had the choice of a sexless marriage or a marriage with someone who couldn't fulfill me mentally & emotionally I'd take the sexless marriage every time!

As others have suggested: make some time for the two of you. A date night.

We did this tonight. We went to our favorite sushi bar as a Valentine's treat AND a 'happy place' visit since Breathes has been feeling down in the dumps lately.

Good luck.
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  #20  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:52 AM
Athena Athena is offline
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Relationships go through different phases. Sex can be variable for a lot of different reasons. Have you thought of trying to add some newness? like trying out a fantasy setting - taking a trip somewhere special, kind of thing so that you are out of your routine?

During the childmaking phase of our marriage my husband's and my sex life was in the toilet, but it is much recovered now!

So whatever may be going on between the two of you, do not give up on your relationship if the only thing not working right now really is the sex drive for each other.
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