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  #1  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:48 PM
hurt77 hurt77 is offline
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Hi I'm here to learn a little more about what my husband is going throw. I'm 30 and my huaband and I have been together for 12yr about 3yr ago he told me he wanted to be in polyamory . I have no desire to be with anyone else and I'm very hurt that he feels this way .I want to try to understand how he feels and was hoping I can find some great information on here about it .
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  #2  
Old 11-03-2013, 11:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi hurt77,
Welcome to our forum.

I think it will take a lot of learning and studying to work through the hurt that you are experiencing ... and really, I wonder if your husband couldn't benefit from some learning and studying as well.

Start with this: Golden Nuggets board

Then, follow up with a few things such as:

"Opening Up," a book by Tristan Taormino
Franklin Veaux's poly pages

Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness might help.

In general, explore Polyamory.com thoroughly, and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns. If something you post gets "lost in the shuffle" (cause this is a *way* busy site), compose a fresh post so you'll get back to the "top of the New Posts queue." In most cases, I think your posts will get lots of responses, and you do need interaction from many diverse poly (and even mono) people at this point.

As a general opening bit of advice, try to picture love (yes, even romantic love) as an infinite resource, not as something that diminishes when someone "adds a person to the circle of people that they love." Everyone is different, and everyone brings something unique and irreplaceable to the table.

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and even if your husband practices it, that doesn't mean you have to. It's really up to you.

I hope your marriage will weather this difficult time, and that you'll find a place of peace with respect to polyamory.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 11-04-2013, 01:57 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hurt77 View Post
Hi I'm here to learn a little more about what my husband is going throw. I'm 30 and my huaband and I have been together for 12yr about 3yr ago he told me he wanted to be in polyamory . I have no desire to be with anyone else and I'm very hurt that he feels this way .I want to try to understand how he feels and was hoping I can find some great information on here about it .
One thing, I think, that might help you, would be to try and figure out who is really hurting here, and for what actual reasons. Perhaps you could post the top 3 reasons why you are hurt by his desires on here. Then, list the top 3 reasons you think he is wanting to seek a poly lifestyle.

Another thing you need to really look at is your mono relationship with him. Is it type-A, or type-B?

Type-A, I will define as a relationship where in the past 6 months, you guys went out together, had lots of fun as a couple, sex is still frequent and somewhat exciting, roll playing by now a bit hopefully, and he looks forward to talking with you, and you with him, at the end of each day. In other words, there is lots of love, affection, a bit of frolicking, and direct friendship where the sparks are still flying regularly.

Type-B, I would define as the relationship my neighbour has. He comes home from work most days,...hangs out with wife,...yea, they get along, but mostly just have dinner, then TV,...then bed, where love and direct affection happens sometimes, but is short lived. They go out sometimes,...but mostly only to dinner, then back home. A 'Night on the Town', drinking, partying, and/or a movie with some actual pizazz is a rare thing indeed.

Lets face the reality of it,...As a guy, myself,..I would be in utter agony if I had woke up one day and realized I was in a Type-B trap. Something would have to give. It takes much effort on BOTH sides of a relationship to dig yourselves out of this dead end trap, Type-B is for senior citizens, not people in their 30's, 40's, or even 50's. If your relationship leans toward type-B, then both of you need to get off your bumms and go out. If it takes dating other people, either together, or separate, then do so.

If your relationship leans toward Type-A,...fantastic,...you guys are inseparable, so expanding on this with others will only strengthen your bond.

Your 'Hurting' is likely the typical insecurity seen with most couples that are ready for something new, but are afraid. It also comes from thinking,...'Am I not enough?', when in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all. There are Many people, men and women alike, that are always trying to expand and share who they are with others, both with the ones they love, and with their acquaintances. Those type of people know that they can provide an abundance of friendship, and possible love toward others. Really now,...is it anyone's place to hold that type of person back?,...Not really, so instead of feeling 'Hurt', you should try and understand the perspective from the other side of the fence. In the end, you might actually find that you are proud of him, and who he can become. If he is truly capable of being that wonderful man you met, bringing someone else in will be a wonderful thing that you can share together with someone new, re-lighting the fire from within you both, keeping it bright. Life leads us in many directions. You guys are still young enough to enjoy it all, and passing up opportunities, excitement, love, and companionship would just be boring and wrong. I am 45, and am no where near ready to become a senior citizen, so Please don't trap yourselves into the Type-B scenario. My neighbour is miserable, and he doesn't even realize it.

just some twisted thoughts on it,...Dstone
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Dstone (me) - 45 Tecnical professional turned professional driver
BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
ZF - 24, Also the love of my lfe. BB'd daughter.
My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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  #4  
Old 11-04-2013, 02:19 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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--removed--
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Dstone (me) - 45 Tecnical professional turned professional driver
BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
ZF - 24, Also the love of my lfe. BB'd daughter.
My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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  #5  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:07 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default you will also need to know how to ignore advice that doesn't fit your situation

Dstone's neighbor might not be an alcoholic drug addict, and may be perfectly happy without a chemical dependency problem, which only an addict/alcoholic in remission could ever possibly live that way

it all depends on what is important to you in your life, what makes you happy, and what you decide you can and cannot live with in your relationships.

Don't be frightened away if you feel like there is an attitude of polyamory being right, and monogamy wrong. The only thing that is wrong is when society attempts to enforce a specific dynamic and punishes those who don't conform.

On the bright side, it sounds like your marriage is already stronger than average for the simple fact that your husband was able to bring up the topic at all, also because you are willing to investigate instead of automatically being closed to the idea.

This site gets a lot fictional questions and stories and it's impossible to know for sure who is seriously seeking help and who is just trying to stir things into one big stinky mess. So if you ever feel you are getting a negative reaction from replies, it's not always because the commentor is ignorant or cold hearted, but rather that a nerve was probably hit has something to do with the reaction

as I am sure you might feel like someone has hit one of your nerves as you read through or respond yourself to certain threads.

Just know you are not alone, and many people who are "poly" have exactly the same obstacles you are facing, some may even have a harder time than you are, just because someone claims to be happy or doing OK does not always translate so in real life.

Stranger things have happened then a supposedly "poly-pro" not being able to deal with poly relationships themselves, so do not be intimidated if you don't feel up to another's idea of "par" for the course. Like anything else in life, the most vocal opposition may not actually oppose the very subject they rant and rave about, quite often they are upset that someone has the courage to do what they only wish they could

a lot like the loudest protests towards homosexual relationships often come from men who secretly want to suck dick

not to be vulgar, but just to say it in a way that you may understand what I am talking about

Again, you and your spouse have a good enough relationship that you could even bring the subject up, so you might want to keep that in mind as you try to figure things out

I hope the best for you and your spouse

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-04-2013 at 07:45 AM. Reason: typo
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