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  #11  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
Nah. I stayed with my ex for over 30 years. The last 10 were a series of high highs and low lows. I stayed for the highs, we did therapy (an entire year of couples therapy, plus a year of individual therapy for him, 3 years of individual therapy for me), we talked and talked on our own, dozens, hundreds of hours.

Nothing we did worked to bring us more together. But I was determined to give it all I had to see if we could see eye to eye again. Yes, we had a large house we'd decorated and renovated together, big gardens we loved, we had 3 kids, 2 cars, he had a good job, I was a SAHM homeschooling mom. Seemingly we had much in common, food, music and art preferences, intellectually, spiritually, politically, parenting style. We met when I was 19 and he was 21, grew up together, then grew apart!

Such a feeling of relief when we finally cut each other loose! We split in '08, we weren't spring chickens.
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  #12  
Old 11-04-2013, 08:44 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Sometimes the fear of the unknown is more painful than the bad relationship, especially if it's not an abusive or hurtful situation, but just lackluster.

Some people are afraid to be alone. Just because you're poly doesn't necessarily mean you actually have multiple relationships to "fall back on." There's a thread in the blogs section where people are discussing not having a partner available full-time to help with things like house maintenance. Especially if you don't have much experience living on your own, this can be scary and feel overwhelming. If finances were entwined, there can also be a fear of not being able to make it on one's own.

I also think there's this idea that relationships that end are a failure, that the people in them weren't good enough to keep it together. Maybe they just didn't try hard enough. And who wants to feel like a failure?

Perhaps the issue is the possibility of losing access to children/pets/home. If Fly and I broke up, I would have no rights whatsoever to see Kiddo. He's not my biological child, even though I've helped raise him since he was one. Actually, both Fly and his baby mama would probably jump at the chance of having me babysit, but I would have no guarantees. I'd also lose my chickens, two of my cats that are officially his, and a home that I've invested energy, time, money, and love into. Even if things were difficult between us, this would be a lot to give up and weigh heavily in favor of trying to stick things out.

And, some people are used to miserable. It's been like that so long, that they don't necessarily recognize that they're miserable - it's just the norm.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #13  
Old 11-07-2013, 12:54 PM
Neurodiverse Neurodiverse is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?
Sometimes-- the suffering that you are familiar with is less troubling than that which is part of the unknown.

Pink Floyd said it: choosing a 'Lead role In a Fishbowl", over a "Walk on Part In a War".
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  #14  
Old 11-14-2013, 12:12 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
Sometimes it is to explore. How much further can it go? Can I change the other person? Also, it may because the need to be with someone is strong and no-one else/better has gotten along.

With my last, crappy relationship, it just had to burn out until I was fallen completely out of love. Then I started to see him in a different light, not just with my mind, but with my heart and body as well. The most vital change was the fact that I stopped becoming aroused by him. I easily get aroused by even exes and strangers, so that fact I did not get the hots for him anymore told med that I was worn out from trying to make something work with him. Ever since, I can see that he is a handsome man but I don't find him physically attractive like I used to. He still has a connection with me, but without the sparks I can manouver more easily, like I would a friend I was drawn to but did not think I was compatible with.
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  #15  
Old 11-14-2013, 01:21 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
do you really live in a world where people are full of flaws and just enjoy wallowing in shit, are insecure and so weak that they don't know what they want, are merely codependent and can't stand on their own feet? Your description of poly people is consistently dark...

As for why people stay in relationships when they're not happy - because sometimes relationships go through dark spaces and you come out fine, in the end. Problem is, you never know when that is. Sometimes people seriously hurt the other, and it takes time to rebuild trust. Sometimes there are health issues involved and you have to put yourself and your happiness on the back burner while you care for someone.

Yes, sometimes people fear that the evil they know is worse than the evil they don't. But I've been surrounded by divorces in the past 3 years - I think there are plenty of people who knew when it was time to cut their ties, even if they got NOBODY better, for the moment.
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  #16  
Old 11-15-2013, 03:47 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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I am unhappy in a relationship right now and I am probably making my partner somewhat unhappy. But I stay because I have hope that somehow things could change and we could be crazy happy again. I'm working hard to change my feelings and perceptions of his interest in other women. We have a lot of positive past experience and a big commitment which I hope will carry us through to the other side. As bookbug said, I am inspired to keep trying because of love and the assumption that that love doesn't disappear because my feelings are stormy. Especially because the relationships has been historically safe loving and fulfilling.


Norwegianpoly alluded to another reason - I want to see how far we can go, it is truly an adventure in intimacy. It would be easy to walk out, I need to fight the urge regularly lately. I have the skills, resources and willingness to live alone, to dismantle what we have created, but I just don't want to. More intriguing is the question of how can two very different people who love each other very much find a way to be happy together. Can I remold my thinking enough, challenge my assumptions enough? I don't want to give up too soon. Pulliman said that sometimes relationships go through dark places and come out fine, that has already happened once in my relationship and my assumption is that it will happen again. The question will become how long do you try, how do you know that you're trying hard enough. I guess when I stop wanting to keep trying. Or rather I stop wanting to try over a long period of time.

Maybe I stay because I'm in denial of what I see in front of my face: we have very different ambition and love styles and I feel alarm that he is not making choice in various areas of his life which will support our stated goals. Maybe I'm an emotional masochist, maybe I just wanted to settle down finally and I thought that I found the one to do it with.

As an aside, I identify as mono but don't believe in one true love, I've loved several deeply. It's just that preference is to love one at a time as my energies tend to be very focused and I have a lot of outside demands on my time.
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  #17  
Old 11-16-2013, 05:52 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?
I dont. I spend 12 years in a relationship with someone that made me unhappy. I will never do that again. Probably why most of my poly relationships dont last very long. i break things off if they get to be too much work. Drama, games and stress arent worth it no matter how great someone seems on paper. Im not that desperate to be with someone to deal with it.
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  #18  
Old 11-17-2013, 02:39 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
But if you're poly . . . You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better.
Who says you can't do that if you're monogamous??? I've often remained friends with my exes from mono relationships.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #19  
Old 11-17-2013, 10:35 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
you really live in a world where people are full of flaws and just enjoy wallowing in shit, are insecure and so weak that they don't know what they want, are merely codependent and can't stand on their own feet? Your description of poly people is consistently dark...
I'll answer this by pointing to my senior member badge underneath my name.


I've said before that I don't believe successful relationships require the people involved to chop and chisel themselves to fit. Someone might have flaws that stop them having relationships with anyone but that's a different and individual matter. That's not trying to mould people into compatibility. Like most people, I believe strong foundations with compatible people maximize the chances of successful relationships. Successful meaning relationships that make the people involved happy. Ie the chances of you having happy, successful relationships with someone incompatible is relatively small. If you find yourself needing to change or do hard work to be happy with someone, you're more than likely incompatible.
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  #20  
Old 11-17-2013, 10:40 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves.
That is the most clear and concise way to summarize my fuzzy thoughts on this. Sometimes I'll be really upset for a while, and Gralson will sincerely ask "Why do you even want to stay together? It seems like you're just unhappy all the time." The way you put it hits the nail on the head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
As for why people stay in relationships when they're not happy - because sometimes relationships go through dark spaces and you come out fine, in the end.
We find that not only do we come out fine, but without exception, we come out better. We learn about each other, we learn about ourselves, we (slowly but surely) change bad habits and crappy behaviours, we improve our communication and intimacy and build trust. Every challenge we face and conquer together makes us stronger as a couple as well as individually.
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