Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:41 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default Why Be Unhappy?

I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-04-2013, 12:56 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default

I think there are myriad reasons. For me, I stayed with Maca because I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves. I was determined to stick with it as long as we were both willing to keep working on those conflicts.
I am glad i did. Because even though the first 12 years or so of our relationship had some REALLY major issues; the past few have been so inspiringly wonderful and we are both such better people, ALL of our relationships (romantic and otherwise) are healthier and happier.
We just grew up and got our lives on track. I'm not saying we couldn't have done that apart. But, I think we would have hurt more people struggling through our shit apart. Whereas this way, we kept hurting each other and we were both there working through the healing process together.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-04-2013, 01:47 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,663
Default

Quote:
But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly).
So poly people can only be with other poly people only?

Why?

One of my husbands is mono. He brings me inner peace. He actually never wanted to get married. I changed his view on marriage.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.

Last edited by Dagferi; 11-04-2013 at 01:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:26 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default

I would also assume that when either a mono or poly couple have children together there is strong impetus to make it work.

Another issue is love. People can be in a miserable relationship and still love each other. The love inspires them to keep working - especially if things weren't always bad. My consort left an emotionally abusive wife. He knows it was the healthy to do, and yet there are still times he grieves for the good times they once shared. Some people do not have the strength to pull themselves out of unhealthy relationships, because their feelings toward the other person include the times when things were good between them.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:31 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default Sorry

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
So poly people can only be with other poly people only?

Why?

One of my husbands is mono. He brings me inner peace. He actually never wanted to get married. I changed his view on marriage.
Pardon. I was just trying to cover myself when I said it was okay to date engaged/married persons. I didn't want people thinking I thought it was okay for a poly person to date a married person in a monogamous relationship-- simply because ONE of the people was poly.

Honestly, I tend to forgot mono/poly relationships are even possible. If you're mono and you date a poly person, I alway feel that makes you poly by default, since you have distant, or not so distant, relations with the other partners.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:35 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think there are myriad reasons. For me, I stayed with Maca because I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves. I was determined to stick with it as long as we were both willing to keep working on those conflicts.
I am glad i did. Because even though the first 12 years or so of our relationship had some REALLY major issues; the past few have been so inspiringly wonderful and we are both such better people, ALL of our relationships (romantic and otherwise) are healthier and happier.
We just grew up and got our lives on track. I'm not saying we couldn't have done that apart. But, I think we would have hurt more people struggling through our shit apart. Whereas this way, we kept hurting each other and we were both there working through the healing process together.
LR, while I could not honestly say I would be comfortable in such a position, I can understand why it was important for you. I guess I have more of an issue where one person is unhappy....and making the other person unhappy.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-04-2013, 04:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,456
Default

Quote:
what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?
This question seems to assume that they are ABLE to see they are miserable. Does not address the next questions of
  • Are they are WILLING to leave?
  • Are they are ABLE to leave?
  • Are they ABLE to stay gone?

There are many reasons -- finances, children, hope for change, denial, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, depression, abuse, fear, threat, etc. for why someone may choose to stay in less than healthy relationships.

Reasons will be unique to the persons involved.

But I would like to lift up that miserable people sometimes get used to it. It becomes their "normal" and they may not be at their best thinking power or realize that their situation is indeed a miserable one.

More than one formerly abused friend has told me later variations on
"I did not know how sad I was until I left and could finally experience something happier. I had gotten use to this high level of crazy so for me to notice anything as "bad" it would have to come in pretty loud for me to finally notice. I'd become numb/blind to my own unhappiness."
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-04-2013 at 04:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-04-2013, 04:27 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default

There has to be a personal reason.
I have had other relationships that I walked out of gracefully after a short time-because it was clearly not going to work.
But in this case-it was clearly a combination of not knowing how to have a healthy relationship in the circumstances we were in & outside stressors that we were dealing with (read custody nightmare with drug addict parent).

For those who have stood by us-they've seen; once the custody battle stopped and we were able to actually look at our lives and really focus on wth we were doing; we got things together in about a year and a half.

Each little stressor brings it's own hassles and moving from mono to poly is a stressor. Doing it with someone who had an affair-another stressor. Kids= another stressor. etc.

We had our fair share of stressors.
Actually; a lot of things fell into place, made sense and became easily navigable after reading galagirls posts.
It was just a clearer way to look at things. Something no counselor (and we saw many) ever gave us. lol.

The best post she gave us was something to the affect of asking when the punishment for the affair ended so life could go on. ANYONE's life.
That one post was a life-changer.
Because it was a perspective changer for all of us.

You see-Maca couldn't "get on with living a happy life" either. Because he was still caught up in "revenge". Once he thought about "when do I deserve to move on with MY LIFE"; he realized, "a long time ago" was the answer.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-04-2013, 04:43 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,663
Default

Murf has said flat out I am an exception in his life. On many levels.

He had fallen hard for me before he asked me out. We met in real life through the hot rod car scene.

Mr "I never want to get married. I need my space and I am an independent asshole." Wants a lifetime commitment with me. Has a hard time when we are apart. We have been together every minute since Friday. I was going to go home tonight because Butch has training at 7am and I didn't want to wake Murf with my alarm to get home at 430am. Murf doesn't want me to sleep alone..lol. He is curled up sleeping with his head on my lap "watching" football with his eyes closed.

Did I go looking for this lifestyle no. M
Butch pointed out 2 years before I met Murf that there was nothing wrong with me. I was poly. Not a horrible person with a wandering eye, never cheated. Before Butch I was serially monogamous. He gave me the freedom to allow me to be me.

Like all the best things in my life.. I had to just let it find me.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-04-2013, 05:54 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:57 PM.