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  #11  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:54 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
We haven't met but I dislike being accused of not being honest.
I'm accusing you of being a bit generous about your situation, if anything. But I am tired of hearing, "Just be open!" when I see no evidence that anyone is practicing what they preach, no examples of how anyone has managed to do so.

If, however, you are in a place where you can truly be as open about non-monogamy as about monogamy, then consider yourself very lucky Like I said I have NEVER heard even a hint of anyone practicing that lifestyle openly- who wasn't on a TV show. So, yes, I'm skeptical. But I'm not denying the possibility.
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  #12  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:57 PM
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*puts hand up* I do. I/we aren't bannered or something, but yeah, most of our surroundings know about it. We hid it in the beginning, just because we needed to wrap our own minds around it, but afterwards, we were quite open. It isn't the first topic in a conversation, but if someone asks about our private life/relationships we answer honestly.

Even if you can't think of this as a practice applicable for you, don't rule it out in general for others Give everything some time, some answers will come after a while all by themselves.
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  #13  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:05 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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I'm open with my friends and select family members. I used to be open at work because I had a workplace that was friendly to anyone. I now work a job where they Say they are friendly to every life-style but don't support anyone different. That's not a battle I want to fight. I feel that picking my battles IS my choice and my living un-closeted. It's entirely my right to CHOOSE not to tell people what my situation is. I find power in that when I feel I can't be entirely myself. However, that's just a reaction to the "people do/don't live openly" thing, which really is a personal choice unless you're being activist by being open about it.

As for you (and please correct me if I am wrong) feeling as if you can't have community or friends you can be excited about your poly relationship with, surely there are other poly folks in your area? Maybe it is time to keep old friends but make new ones.
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  #14  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:17 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I'm accusing you of being a bit generous about your situation, if anything.
Please don't.
Quote:
If, however, you are in a place where you can truly be as open about non-monogamy as about monogamy, then consider yourself very lucky
I do consider myself lucky, I have never been closeted, I have had no reason to be so, my family know, my friends know, when I was working I told my colleagues, the school knew, the health team for the autistic child knew and the neighbours, the doctor and nurse. My facebook..... even my wanker ex husband knows.

It's never safe to make any assumptions about how other people live.
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  #15  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:51 PM
Dianthus Dianthus is offline
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PolyInPractice: I was completely open about my relationships when I was younger -- all my friends knew, my family knew, my mom used to go to events with my boyfriend and girlfriend. It was great.

Now I have a "real career", where I live with my colleagues and have limited ability to interact with people outside my work (think army base, isolated island, monastic community. Not exactly what I do, but same idea) and have a spouse and kids. While I don't think I would lose my job if I was out, it's not at ALL out of the realm of possibility. And since I'm the only person in the family working, it's a big risk to take. But because functionally all my friends are coworkers, I don't feel like I be out socially without being out at work as well -- and being out in a small, insular community like this one could really be a disaster. There's already a lot of stress on marriages (see above re: monastic communities) and I'd be worried that rightly or wrongly people would be less likely to be friends with us (especially close friends) because they don't understand polyamory and are worried about us hitting on them, sleeping with their spouses or being generally creepy.

Where I am out is at home. My mom knows I'm seeing my sweetie and likes him. My husband's parents know. All my close friends outside of my immediate community (internet friends, and friends from before I took this job) know. When I go visit my sweetie we can be out in his community and it's no big deal. I think it's enormously helpful to have those people to talk to -- if you don't have them, you really need to develop them because the closet is a hard, punishing place to be. Either way, though, no one has the right to make decisions about what you should or shouldn't do about being public but you.
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  #16  
Old 11-02-2013, 07:09 PM
Faerylights Faerylights is offline
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Default Leaving out the "relationship" word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Be open with how close you are to her and him, but leave out the "relationship" part. If people wonder or judge, screw them. You don't have to justify your friends.
That's a really good point -- thanks to you and Dagferi. I hadn't considered just being open about my affection & not the full nature of it -- but in my circles, even in my church circles, that wouldn't raise many eyebrows. People who know me are familiar with my being really quick to give compliments and be emotionally invested in their own lives. I think one reason this sort of poly configuration makes sense to me is because it's so easy to love more than one person, you know?
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  #17  
Old 11-02-2013, 07:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Here's the summary as I understand it. I could be wrong.
  • I am having inner conflict.
  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
  • I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell.

Is that about it? Could you clarify please?

Galagirl
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  #18  
Old 11-02-2013, 07:54 PM
Faerylights Faerylights is offline
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Galagirl: That's it. And those desires are something I'm well aware can't necessarily be met. Just like coming out to my folks didn't mean they really wanted to hear about my next girlfriend and what a great person I thought she was.
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  #19  
Old 11-02-2013, 08:05 PM
Faerylights Faerylights is offline
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Default Grateful

I posted a lengthy reply thanking each of you by name for the concerns and perspectives you brought, because being able to read and reflect really helped me . . .and then I suppose I lingered over it too long, because when I tried to post it, the system acted like I was logged out and ate all my thoughts.

The brief version is sometimes I need external help to process my feelings, and I feel I was given a lot of excellent suggestions, empathy about my concerns re: coming out to very specific groups (work, family), and hope that down the road, some of these things will feel less like a big deal and my external relationships may shift because of my romantic life -- and that's ok.

Thanks for the support and your time. This is all so new to me and I really appreciate your input and aid.
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  #20  
Old 11-02-2013, 08:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Thank you for clarifying. If this is the case?

Quote:
  • I am having inner conflict.
  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
  • I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell.
When I experience inner conflict? I sit with it and determine if I'm stirring my own pot first and ADDING to my own anxiety.

In this case -- maybe you are a little bit? You are only a week in, hon. You don't have to solve the universe that fast.

When I have to resolve inner conflict? I have to sit down and think and discern where the line comes down in this particular case then.

So between these two wants -- you could discern which you value higher. Tempered with what is actually within your control or not.
  • I don't like keeping things about me hidden. I like to tell and express myself openly. I want to be free to tell my parents and church friends about my exciting new polyship.
  • I want to be free FROM any negative responses they might have in response if I do tell. (<-- You don't control their response. So I grey it out. They only thing you can do about this is ask that if they have negative response to please not tell you about it. They either honor that or not.)

There. Now the problems is not longer WHAT or WHO. You want to be honest with your family and church friends about your polyshipping.

Now it is just about WHEN and HOW.

And guess what? You seem to have an answer in place for that already with your polyship people. Remember this?

Quote:
If our relationship continues to grow and thrive, we only intend for people in our social circles that pick up on it or ask to be the ones to know.
If that's good enough agreement between you all, that's good enough then!

Could give yourself permission to relax and if any family or church members inquire, be honest in your response at that point in time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-02-2013 at 08:23 PM.
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