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Old 11-02-2013, 02:47 AM
Faerylights Faerylights is offline
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Default Poly and closeted -- how do other people handle this?

Hi everyone,

I've only seriously embarked on a triad relationship with two of my best friends (married to each other) in the last week or so, but it has its own weird pace because we've known each other a while and been sexual partners in the past.

My male partner and I have spent the past two days dating while his wife is out of town -- dinner, movies, cuddling, talking -- really good stuff. But I've missed her.

She'll be home in a few hours (I don't live with them, but we'll be catching up) and I wanted to hop around on my favorite social networking sites saying "my girlfriend's coming home!" because we've been IMing like mad (which we always do, we just flirt more now) and she brought me presents and I'm just . . .really excited to see her and touch her and all that.

Then I realized I can't out them, can't out me, and that means I can't tell people about my relationship. Not the way I could when I was monogamous with someone (I'm bi, lean toward women, and publicly, comfortably out about that; my personal conviction is I'll take the blows I get from being openly queer if it does something to help LGBT people become more visible and protected in society).

We're giving it another week or so before we tell close friends that we think might be hurt if we left the info out too much longer . . .beyond that, if our relationship continues to grow and thrive, we only intend for people in our social circles that pick up on it or ask to be the ones to know. It's not something any of us need to deal with at work, and for me, not something I can share with family or (I'm Christian, they're not) my church community.

They're fine with sharing the information with their parents, if we get to a place where things seem to be holding steady, and I feel really respected and appreciate that, but like I said, can't do the same.

They'll always have their public marriage, and I, if this continues or I find another poly relationship one day with another couple, will always be hiding something. I'm a really open person with my life: hate lying, hate omitting, write confessional poetry and personal essays, and when I'm in love, love to talk about it.

Any advice from other people who prefer to have their cards face up on the table but are constrained by various concerns when it comes to mentioning their dating situations, or even long-term romances?

Thanks in advance.
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  #2  
Old 11-02-2013, 03:00 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I guess my question is why will you always be hiding it?

I am the hinge in a poly V. We all live together and everyone knows.

So I'm curious why you feel you would have to always be hidden.
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Old 11-02-2013, 05:39 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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LR, I get where you're coming from, but that's not an entirely fair question. Not everyone is in a place where they're privileged to go public with a poly relationship. Not intending to be harsh

1) It can help to have a separate, or related, relationship. Point is to have a "respectable" relationship that you CAN be freely public about, someone you don't have to worry about logistics. I'm not saying "find a primary. " it doesnt have to be more important than the couple. Fair warning, I wouldn't force this JUST to have a "normal" relationship. That's not particularly nice for the other person.

2) You really CANNOT afford to have pride and be poly. Meaning the normal, and very nice! , trapping s of monogamy. ... titles of girlfriend/husband. ... someone to attend birthdays and galas with. ...it's part of the give and take. Instead of thinking, "It isn't fair. ..." Try shifting to, "I'm really lucky that I have. .... [two people that love me]/[ability to take advantage of an opportunity most would feel too ashamed to pursue]/[three people in bed. .. whenever I want]. isn't being with these people worth having to give up, in this one instance, public recognition of your importance to them? Bearing in mind they probably feel same
frustrations. Again, you could still have marriage, family, etc. with someone else

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Old 11-02-2013, 10:59 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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We just live our lives. If my family doesn't like it tough shit. Same goes for everyone else.

But my guys have separate social circles.
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:14 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Another thought.

Also I missed a couple bits, but seriously, people don't NEED to know. For your friends that might be hurt? Sorry, but to quote Dagferi, tough shit. This is a big change for you. . . You have the right to be able to keep it private for a while. And as for getting excited about her return? Get excited. She's your best friend, right? Be open with how close you are to her and him, but leave out the "relationship" part. If people wonder or judge, screw them. You don't have to justify your friends.
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:56 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I don't. I don't believe in being closeted and will only do it if I expected a relationship to be casual and a bit of fun. (Like someone who was moving abroad soon and I won't see them again...seriously).

Living in a closet is the very worst situation to be in and you need to find the strength to be open to people you care about or else you are allowing yourself to suffer the worst disadvantages of being the "third" in a triad and pretty much signing its death warrant.
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Old 11-02-2013, 12:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Are you afraid of losing your family or disappointing them? Are you afraid they will be ashamed of you?

If someone had a messed up or traumatic childhood at the hands of parents, or they are not even remotely close to their family, naturally, the last people they would seek approval from would be family. Understandably. Then there are people like me. I have both parents in my life. I dreaded telling them, and when I did, it was a downer. My mum was disappointed. My daddy never said anything negative, but I think it secretly brought him shame. It took my mum awhile to be okay with it and welcome my ex. I am not sure my daddy was ever okay with it. Let's just say he would not go out of his way to seal an extra invite for her to the annual Christmas party at the lawn club.

It hurts to lose people you love and care about, and the reactions are can go either way. I have friends that I have had in my life since I was in nappies. They are more blood than some of my own blood relatives. Would it hurt to have lost them behind this? Yes. Your friends might not care, or they may be inquisitive. Your family might be understanding and accepting. Of course, it might take a period of adjustment. Being out is not as easy as some people make it seem. You have to make that choice for yourself. You know your family better than any of us. I would test it out hypothetically with a trusted family member and gauge their reaction.

I have found that churches have the biggest hypocrites and sinners, so I would not worry on that front. You can be out without advertising it.
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  #8  
Old 11-02-2013, 04:40 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I tend to be open with close friends about the nature / configuration of my relationships to the same extent that I would be with a mono relationship. I decided if someone that I considered a friend disapproved, then I didn't need that person in my life. I will be damned if I am going to live my life by someone else's "shoulds." That said, I must have chosen my friends well, because everyone I have shared with has taken it in stride.

Acquaintances don't need to know. I am at a new job, and while I suspect most have figured out that I am not married, most do not know that have one partner much less that am semi-seeking another. None of their business.

I am fortunate in regard to my parents as they themselves took a shot at poly a couple of times in their marriage, so a non-issue.

The one thing I would caution against is being too forthright in your workplace. Don't do anything that might damage your work prospects.
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  #9  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:03 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Really?

C'mon, I know not everyone here is as open as they claim, or once in a while, we'd run into a few of you who admitted it I have never met someone, or met someone who met someone, or met someone who....you get the idea... who openly acknowledged swinging, or the hint of non-monogamy, in casual chatting. Only after months of knowing the person and them confiding.

You might be honest with a few close friends, maybe even your friends and family, but I think she's worried about public acceptance, being able to just tell anyone she's dating a couple when they ask if she's engaged, which is a totally different thing. And telling those people in the first place can be very intimidating.

Now, I might be wrong, but does anyone here freely live a poly lifestyle?
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Old 11-02-2013, 05:39 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
C'mon, I know not everyone here is as open as they claim, or once in a while, we'd run into a few of you who admitted it I have never met someone
We haven't met but I dislike being accused of not being honest.
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