Newbies looking for a triad

[kdt26417]

Re:

"In fact people who are experienced in threesome sex in a swinger capacity may feel that it is always like that (i.e. super hot) but there is no way for them to understand how different it is once feelings are engaged."

Well I'm actually wondering if their intended paradigm here isn't a dynamic that starts out as swinging (no emotional involvement), then gradually morphs into polyamory (with emotional involvement). If so, then what I've heard elsewhere (on various threads/forums) is that swingers often do threesomes and like or even prefer them. I'm just saying I can see why Misticbleu might be perceiving threesome sex as the way to go in the beginning.

But I admit it makes me feel a hair uncomfortable to know that the threesome-at-first plan is like a *rule,* not just a *suggestion.* Who's to say when or how soon someone will feel ready (and desirous) for dyad sex? What if emotional involvement unexpectly kicks in right away, and the swinger type dynamic is thus already compromised? I guess what I'm saying is that I hope this "rule" is at least open for negotiation.

I personally fancy that a threesome would be really complicated, but then I'm not (never have been) a swinger, and I've never tried a threesome, so I'm not exactly someone you could rely on for an "expert" opinion.

Are threesomes safe from any feelings of exclusion? Surely not. How different would the approach be of first having dyad sex with one partner, then right away (i.e. as soon as possible) with the other partner? Just throwing that idea out there (if prevented excluded feelings is the main concern).

[peabean]

Originally Posted by Natja

The penis thing was a for example and there have been plenty of situations where a man has felt left out when women have been really into each other and many a time when one of the women have felt left out too.

In fact people who are experienced in threesome sex in a swinger capacity may feel that it is always like that (i.e. super hot) but there is no way for them to understand how different it is once feelings are engaged.

It is hard work concentrating on two people at once, for example you can only look into one pair of eyes at a time. Threesome sex is like something really rich and sweet, a lovely treat but too much it makes you sick and you feel like you never even want to see another rich cake.
Making a rule that there can only be threesome sex at first is incredibly self destructive to any emotion based relationship.

I think you are looking at this from just your own perspective. In my opinion people have many different reactions to threesome sex. To assume that swingers are somehow clueless and walking into a 'feelings' trap is ridiculous. They are grown up adults, and will have to navigate new territory when venturing into poly just like anyone else. So what?

People harp on and on about the importance of dyads within triads. Clearly, this is an important point, and newbies should be aware of it. On the other hand, if you acknowledge that there are 4 relationships within a triad, then you also have to care for the 4th relationship (i.e the three person one). If, lake most humans, you use sex as a bonding activity within the relationship, you therefore need to have some threesomes to keep that 4th relationship strong.

I for one don't find threesomes lack intimacy. I have no trouble feeling connected to both partners, looking in both of their eyes, feeling my heart beat with theirs. I don't think threesomes are like a too sweet cake.

There is no rule in my relationship that dictates threesomes. That said, the logistics of having a kid and three full time jobs means we end up having a lot of threesomes because the only time we have for sex is when we are all at home together when the kid is asleep. Probably 80% of the time, and it is just as good for building intimacy as dyad sex.

Perhaps the OP will find the same thing is true in their relationship. This whole discussion on the validity of threesomes smacks of sexual shaming. I just love how rigidly polyamory is defined on this board.

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm as wary of unicorn hunters as anyone, but you guys actually sound like you're going at it without being overly attached to a particular outcome. That's important.

Thr best advice I can give you is to be completely open to anything. Place absolutely no requirements or expectations on the woman you seek, aside from basic respect and honesty of course.

People with painful experiences in their histories tend to see all couples seeking triads as unicorn hunters, but it's not always the case. There are a select few who just want to expand their relationship to include others. Unicorn hunters don't respect the woman's rights and individualism, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. My own experience is that seeking specific relationship configurations rarely works out, but it's your life to live and who knows, maybe you'll get lucky.

Best of luck to you both!

[Misticbleu]

Originally Posted by Natja

IME, threesome sex can be more stressful and the cause of insecurity in early days than later days, it is the wrong way around if it is comfort you want to encourage.
That threesome only (for now) rule (for that IS a rule that the other woman doesn't have a hand in making) is there to prevent a feeling of being left out, by those who fear being left out but trust me, threesomes are not impervious to that feeling. A man only has one penis.

Think about it.

Hi. Ohhh I've thought about it... and it's not a THREESOME I'm needing to feel comfort and not to feel left out.. Just thought it would work better that way. I would always want all parties to have a say soo..
Thus not forget we've had threesomes before.. we've had sex without the other one present before ( maybe I didn't mention that ). We've been swingers for years... so I dont NEED to feel comfortable with my husband having sex with someone... just more of a all get comfortable together thing is what I was thinking.. since it's more than sex.
Man only has one penis... haha.. well that's not the focus. Think about it.

[Misticbleu]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I'm as wary of unicorn hunters as anyone, but you guys actually sound like you're going at it without being overly attached to a particular outcome. That's important.

Thr best advice I can give you is to be completely open to anything. Place absolutely no requirements or expectations on the woman you seek, aside from basic respect and honesty of course.

People with painful experiences in their histories tend to see all couples seeking triads as unicorn hunters, but it's not always the case. There are a select few who just want to expand their relationship to include others. Unicorn hunters don't respect the woman's rights and individualism, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. My own experience is that seeking specific relationship configurations rarely works out, but it's your life to live and who knows, maybe you'll get lucky.

Thank you! I hate the title unicorn hunter or anything of the like..
We are VERY open... The things I have mentioned or talked about are things we've just talked about.. Nothing is written in stone and I don't push 'rules' which I don't really like on anyone else either. I would always want respect and honesty as I would give it.

Thanks again for your comment. Made sense

Misticbleu

[Natja]

Originally Posted by Misticbleu

Hi. Ohhh I've thought about it... and it's not a THREESOME I'm needing to feel comfort and not to feel left out.. Just thought it would work better that way. I would always want all parties to have a say soo..

Ah right, because earlier in the thread it appeared that you were making it a rule, I am glad to see I was mistaken.

Thus not forget we've had threesomes before..

I got that. You were swingers, I addressed the difference.

just more of a all get comfortable together thing is what I was thinking.. since it's more than sex.

It seems a bit back to front doesn't it? Unless it is a 'not wanting anyone to feel left out issue'? Surely it would make people feel more comfortable connecting with a new partner 1 on 1 and then when everyone feels suitable intimate and secure, engaging in a threesome?

Man only has one penis... haha.. well that's not the focus. Think about it.

It was an example and.....that has already been addressed.

[peabean]

Originally Posted by Natja

It seems a bit back to front doesn't it? Unless it is a 'not wanting anyone to feel left out issue'? Surely it would make people feel more comfortable connecting with a new partner 1 on 1 and then when everyone feels suitable intimate and secure, engaging in a threesome?

I'm not sure why a threesome seems 'back to front'? If the point is to develop a triad from the beginning, then a threesome makes sense to me. It gives you the opportunity to see if you all work together. It allows for full discussion of any issues afterwards. If something happens where one partner feels uncomfortable, then both partners can be there to address it.

I guess I have a hard time understanding the resistance to threesomes. Perhaps it is because of the way my triad formed, but threesomes have always been the norm for us. They feel natural. I feel just as comfortable and secure as during one on one sex.

[kdt26417]

Ahem ... waaah now I want some attention ...

For the record! (Everyone listening?) I officially have: neaou problem with threesomes (even if I haven't personally tried one as yet), any more than I do dyad sex. Example: Picture a triad that has threesomes and dyad sex with *one or two* of the built-in dyads, but not all three. Well, if that's a-workin' for everyone and all feel contented/happy with the sitch, then I'm all for it -- and by no means do I see it as some kind of "pie in the sky" hypothetical. Bet it actually does work that way with some triads. After all, as we seem to agree, it's not always all about the sex per se, right? In a word, it's often "merely" about romance or just closeness in general.

So puh-leease do not "group me in with everyone" when saying "everyone on this thread is attacking/shaming threesome sex." I can't speak for others, but I personally feel dissed having been grouped into that group (however real/imagined the "group's overall vice" here is).

Please review my earlier post and note that I was kinda sticking up for the potentially positive aspects of starting out with just threesomes. My only caution was against rigidity per se, not against threesomes. Mmkay?

Misticbleu, sounds to me like you're doin' just-a-fine (for now at the very least), and have the right attitude/approach. Carry on, learn as you go as we all do, and I have good vibes about your future.

Loves and kisses to everyone (come and get 'em while they're hot),
Kevin T.

[Natja]

Originally Posted by peabean

I'm not sure why a threesome seems 'back to front'?.

I'm sorry did I miss something when you magically turned into the OP?

[peabean]

My mistake, I missed where you were deemed the only person allowed to post in this thread.